Why Do I Like the Beach?

• Precisely one week later, you can peel dead skin with your friends
• Drinking beer as soon as I wake up
• Digging with my feet
• Peeing in the ocean
• I used to enjoy scratching my head to get all of the sand out of my hair, but it’s been a while since I’ve done that
• Sand makes for a great sandwich condiment

My Worst Character Traits

• I judge people who have wired headphones
• I blow my nose at the dinner table

Crimes That The Police Do Not Care About

• Scalping tickets
• Jaywalking
• Grand theft auto

Costco

I went to Costco for the first time in my life this weekend. Naturally, I took notes:

• You NEED a shopping list
• It’s a terrible place to have A.D.D.
• The shopping carts are so wide
• The carts should have a little iPad with a directory and map so you can search items and know exactly where to find them
• I like that pool supplies are next to the seafood
• They don’t give you bags at checkout. My favorite part about grocery shopping is carrying 50 bags at once from the car to my house in one trip. Buying in bulk is a prime opportunity to do this.
• With everything being bought in bulk, I assume there’d be more urinals in the bathroom.

Next Stop

I’ve never been to Ikea.

Someone please volunteer to take me.

I’ll buy you Swedish meatballs.

Liquor?

I just met her!

Cheesy Jokes

I bought Kraft Singles sliced cheese when I first moved into my apartment in August 2017.

I have used 3 slices of it.

It is now 10 months later and the cheese is still sitting in my fridge… with no signs of molding.

Despite how gross mold is, it’s even grosser that the cheese doesn’t have mold.

Cash or Credit?

I would like to see a chart of credit card versus cash usage over a 50 year timeframe.

I could probably Google this, but it’s much more interesting to think about.

Best Ice Cream Truck Items

1) Choco Taco

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2) Chipwich

3) Screwball

4) Frozen Snickers

5) Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake Pop

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986) Spongebob Squarepants Ice Pop

Rogaine

All of my balding friends confide in me for balding advice.

It’s nice to be an expert in something.

Urine

I peed in a clean Porta Potty for the first time ever.

It was so clean.

There was no liquid in the basin.

There was no pee on the seat (until I peed on the seat)

There was no repulsive stench.

What. An. Experience.

Hipsters

Do hipsters like being called hipsters?

If they are grouped as a hipster, that’s not very hipster of them.

Train Ticket

I took a train this weekend from New York City to Rahway, New Jersey.

Per usual, the conductor took my ticket and put this ticket on my seat.

How does this ticket make any sense? Need some explanation.

This was honestly a pretty artsy picture.

*Shot on iPhone 6s*

#ExpandTheBrand