Second Winner of my Twitter poll

If you’ve been following, you know I did a twitter poll to let the people vote on my next post. The people chose insults commonly directed at me. My friends had fun with that one.

But the one that made me laugh the hardest was “parts of my body that grow hair even though they should not grow hair.” One of the below is funny and the other four are just gross.

Upper arms

Lower back

Upper back

Not my head

Shoulders

What medium should I do next?

Podcast

Vlog

Photo shoot

Facebook/Instagram live

T shirts

Stop everything immediately

Questions I have for Red Panda

If you don’t know who Red Panda is by now, you probably live in the Eastern Himalays (native land to the adorable critters known as red pandas). But if you don’t know who she is, here’s a quick overview:

She is absolutely electric and I have some questions for you:

How many bowls have you broken?

Do you buy bowls at Costco?

What does the cashier say when you try to buy 300 bowls?

When you eat out of a bowl, how tempted are you to kick it up in the air and catch it on your head?

Why don’t you try kicking food up in the air and catching it in your mouth?

Will you marry me?

Are you aware of how cute red pandas are?

I tasted a dog treat for the first time in a while

Someone handed it to me… so I took a bite. Very dry. Haven’t had a dog treat since 4th grade when my friend Jordan and I ate my dog’s bacon flavored treats (sorry Jet).

Odd ways we used to use our cell phones

Text phone number for sports scores

Hold cell phone up the window to get better service

Using the light from your screen as a flashlight instead of the actual flashlight function

Recording ring tones

Not being able to do anything on your phone when you were sending/receiving a picture *connecting* *Receiving Image*

T-9

Keep text below 160 characters so it would send in one text.

Trying to get the two-way flip cellphone to freeze when you go back and forth quickly

Palm Pilots

BBM

Nextel

“If you don’t forward this message to 10 people in the next two hours, you will die”

Blogger Face

You know that gross double-chin face you see when you open your front facing camera and you don’t expect it? When blogging, I’m pretty sure you always need to be making that face. Since I’m new to blogging, I’m still trying to perfect it. Please feel free to give feedback as I am still workshopping.

This picture took about 15 tries because the others were TOO hideous. Imagine how disgusting those were.

#ExpandTheBrand

There’s a famous author named Lauren Belfer (not my sister Lauren)

I tried to sit down and write but I couldn’t think of anything. All of this just comes to me spontaneously and straight into my note sheet. Writing a book sounds like a nightmare.

At least I got this segment out of it.

Winner of twitter poll

So I ran a twitter poll to see what my next list should be.

The people have spoken. They would like to hear the insults that are frequently directed at me. Here goes everything:

Your brain has a hard drive but no processor.

You ugly bastard.

When you shave your beard, you look like a penis. Not an erect one.

If you didn’t have a fatter and lazier friend, you’d be the fat and lazy friend.

Your blog is really stupid.

You have hair in weird body parts (list coming soon)

You have no volume control when you speak.

All your opinions are terrible and no one cares what you think.

You laugh harder at your own jokes than everybody else does.

You have 48 twitter followers. Stop acting like you’ve saved twitter.

I’d never let you anywhere near my dog.

You’re going to die alone with 5 cats.

When I become a clothing designer…

…I’m going to design jeans with rips in between the thighs. I do it every time on my own so I might as well make it fashionable.

Reasons I don’t like the new Snapple plastic bottles

Doesn’t make a noise when you hit the bottom of the bottle

Not as cold

Hitting the bottom isn’t as satisfying

Glass feels better in the hand

The bottom isn’t as much fun to hit

Cap doesn’t make as good of a popping sound when you take it off

The. Bottom. Of. The. Bottle. Doesn’t. Pop.

48 hours

Is Star Wars Day into Cinco de Mayo the best two day stretch of the year?

Worst Executed Invention

Air mattresses – no one has ever had a good night’s sleep on one of these. The next morning, it is as inflated as when you took it out of the bag.

The people I’d most want to run into on the street

Guy Fieri

Michael Strahan

The Genie from Aladdin

Paris Hilton

Air Bud

I really miss my beard

If you couldn’t tell.

#ExpandTheBrand

This will trigger some people

Why are they advertising so heavily for the iPhone 8?

That’s like advertising about how you ran a half-marathon.

A few more FAQs in my own head

Why do you always feel sick for the first time after waking up from a nap?

How much more would you pay at Chipotle for them to mix up your bowl for you?

Is being bald just having a really big forehead?

Things that are better “raw”

Carrots

Emotion

Tuna

Dog

Wrestling leagues

Honey

Rolling papers

List ideas I’ve had for lists for the blog

A list of things I forget all the time

Most commonly heard insults directed at me

The least common parts of my body that grow hair

Definitive ranking of the best political parties in America

Let’s get interactive

I’m going to try something new here. I’m going to put a poll out on twitter of the above items. Vote for which one you want me to write about next. Follow me on Twitter @BanPinkLemonade (there’s even a little hyperlink at the top of the page) and vote.

My friend Brandon and a guy who isn’t me

He looks a lot like me though.

#ExpandTheBrand

Things I have no idea how much they cost

Christmas trees

Protective tarp for a car

A tent

Ironing board

A spray tan

Health insurance

Fast food franchise

Hard hat

Customized license plate

If you couldn’t tell by now, I’m clearly in a car just writing things down that I see and deciding if I know how much they cost

A wedding dress

Country club membership

Wholesale price of a gum-ball

Birth control

Acceptable bumper stickers

*This section is intentionally left blank*

Things I think are dangerous to do while driving

Wear headphones

Sneeze

Wear a hood

Close your eyes for an extended period of time

Add to “Up Next” on Spotify

Drink alcohol

Putting top part of seatbelt behind you because it bothers your neck

New Nickname

There’s a rapper out right now whose name is BlocBoy JB. Still waiting for the day that all of you guys start calling me BlogBoy JB.

Questions About Services

How often do you think waiters add to the tip after a meal? I never check to confirm the tip amount afterwards.

How many uber drivers have smoked weed with their passengers?

Do hairdressers ever admit when they fuck up? Or do they act like everything is going fine?

I got my beard trimmed today

My barber thought he was really funny.

It was kinda funny.

#ExpandTheBrand

Bring your kid to work day

Who is the primary beneficiary?

Kid pros: miss school, eat dank food, chill with parent, so much attention, free candy

Kid cons: soooo much cheek pinching

Parent pros: don’t do any work, don’t pay for babysitter, mess with your kid, leave early

Parent cons: have to deal with your kid

Allergies in the city

I get awful allergies every spring. But there’s not many trees and plants in NYC. Is this why my allergies have not been that bad yet?

Elementary

Forget all of the other periodic elements because I have no idea what they’re like, but how the hell did we discover helium? Who was the first to suck it out of a balloon? How is that guy not famous?

“Where are you?” origins

I can’t take credit for this because I read it somewhere a few years ago but I feel the dire need to share:

The question “where are you?” is such a commonly used phrase. But it was very seldom used before cell phones/car phones. If you were speaking to someone, you were either with them or talking to them on your home phone.

Modern chivalry

Who decides what is chivalrous with new inventions? Like elevators. Who decided it’s polite to press the “door open” button while you let everyone walk out first.

Too many questions

This post has been overloaded with random questions I ask myself. So the below video is an answer. The answer to the commonly asked question: “can you fit a stress ball under your beard?”

The answer is yes, yes I can.

#ExpandTheBrand