I Miss You

I have been craving the light blue Scooby Doo gummy.

If you know what I’m talking about, you will also start longing for it.

First person to deliver me one light blue Scooby Doo gummy gets any pair of socks from my sock drawer.

Ride Me

A few weeks ago, I closed my eyes as a New York City subway approached the station. It sounded eerily similar to the feels of a roller coaster.

The metal scraping along the track. The cold air whooshing into the station. The bright lights penetrating my eyelids.

That got me thinking.

Why doesn’t someone build a NYC subway themed roller coaster in the city somewhere?

It would be highly relatable to everyday passengers, become a sought-after tourist destination, and it would make riding the actually shitty subway more enjoyable.

They could put in obstacles like the below:

• Someone has jumped on the tracks (big bump)
• The air conditioning has stopped working (fire)
• The stations are flooding (water)
• Train is stuck (ride stops midway through for 45 minutes)
• There are rats running around (spray rabies all over everyone)
• Must swipe a subway card before entering the ride (takes most people more than one attempt)
• Always in rush hour (only a select few people gets seats; the rest have to stand)
• It’s really dirty (never cleaned)
• A homeless guy who peed himself must be on every car (gets paid minimum wage)

I would take this ride home from work every day.

Ears Are Burning

I wonder which songs I’ve heard most frequently in my life. Here’s the quick list I came up with. Please let me know if you have any additions:

1. Star-Spangled Banner by Francis Scott Key
2. Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
3. All Star by Smash Mouth
4. Low by Flo Rida
5. Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado
6. Shooting Star by Bag Raiders
7. New York, New York by Frank Sinatra
8. Hakuna Matata by Lion King
9. Chain Hang Low by Jibbs
10. Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance

Random Thought Time

Here’s the section of the blog where I list random things that came to mind this past few weeks:

• I get much less deja vu than I used to.
• Why do people eat non-sour pickles. You’re eating a cucumber.
• I know how to abbreviate the word “usual” vocally. But how do you spell that abbreviation? Us? Use? Ush? Uje?
• Radishes add nothing to anything.*
• The first person who said “Don’t play with your food” clearly never played with their food.
• Kids with peanut butter allergies were always weird.**
• I really want to open a pack of baseball cards. It was such a simple joy. Someone buy me a pack of baseball cards please.
• How much did a VHS cost?
• Hotel wake-up calls are obsolete.
• I used to be fascinated by the bottom of sneakers. Anybody else?
• As a young child, I loved taking the lint out of the washing machine filter.
• I hate bringing lunch to work because I salivate all day thinking about it.
• I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich for lunch. They gave me fried chicken. Oh well.
• The MTV show “Scarred” was really fucked up. I watched every single episode. I’m upset it’s not longer on TV.
• Popcorn sucks. I still eat it.
• Taking a picture of a Polaroid and posting it on Instagram is stupid.

*Unless they’re pickled

**They’re still weird

Those Damn Hipsters

I made a realization today:

Smoking cigarettes is more hipster than smoking a vape.

I saw a young hipster smoking a cigarette on the street today. My thought? What a rebel.

Vapes have become so mainstream and have permeated every demographic.

Dare I say boges are once again cooler than Juuls?

Pasty

Who decided that mint had to be the only toothpaste flavor?

I really love the taste of meat.

I’m going to make a meat-flavored toothpaste.

And maybe even a tuna-flavored one.

Mayor Jonathan

I went to a John Mayer concert last week.

You know at concerts where everyone used to hold up lighters for emotional songs?

I couldn’t even find ONE lighter amongst the iPhone flashlights.

Types of Sausage

My girlfriend got a wiener dog. His name is Chorizo.

Everyone say “hi” to Chorizo.

 

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Here’s The Story

For dinner a few weeks ago, I went out to eat for Jambalaya.

It was stupendous. I was even more stupefied because I had a lunch-amount of leftovers remaining.

I woke up the next morning with an unmistakeable feeling. I had to poop.

This was not your run-of-the-mill Monday morning session. This was induced by the food last night. This continued throughout the morning while at work.

For lunch, I had a decision to make. I brought the leftovers to serve as my “free” lunch. But did I want to suffer in the same manner again, in an effort to save $15?

After much deliberation, I ate the jambalaya for lunch that day. I spent plenty of more time on the john and had to cut my workout short.

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

But it was still worth it.

Would You Rather?

I was sleeping at a friend’s house.

The first night, it was very hot.

The second night, the lights were left on.

I slept much better with the lights on than in the fiery inferno.

Would you rather, for the rest of your life, prefer to sleep with the lights fully on or sleep in 78 degree heat?

Lesser Of Evils: July 4th Edition

Every Independence Day, three unpleasant things happen.

• I get bit by a swarm of mosquitoes.
• We celebrate America’s birthday.
• I chafe between my legs.

Which do I despise most?

I really don’t know.

Except for America’s birthday. That shit is dope.

Random Thoughts: Volume 798.47

• Waking up to brush your teeth sucks because you’re like “ugh I JUST did this last night.”
• If there are multiple escalators going in the same direction, they should go at different speeds.
• Toys are always fun, but for different ages and different reasons.
• What percent of pet rocks are named “Rocky”?
• I can’t open wrappers with my mouth, because if it’s in my mouth, I want to eat it.
• I wonder how much an individual’s snapchat use decreases after their longest streak is broken.
• I’ve always wanted to learn the harmonica. But I never wanted to be “that guy” who plays the harmonica.
• The LTE and WiFi bars on cell phones has NEVER been honest.
• How does stuff not fall out of the back of a pickup truck?
• I hate the sound of someone using mouthwash.
• “My Chick Bad” is an underrated song.
• If someone sends me a screenshot, I always look at how much battery they have left.
• The “Screen Muncher” app on the Blackberry made the best noise. IYKYK.

When I Was A Young Warthog

I miss a lot of things about childhood.

Specifically, playing sports outside with my friends on a daily basis.

One childhood pleasure that isn’t talked about?

The “hand-washing” that occurred after you got all dirty from being outside, right before you start eating an incredibly unhealthy meal.

Washing hands, forearms, and under the nails pre-mac and cheese was always a treat.

Butt Thoughts

1. Do people use lube to help them poop when they’re constipated?
2. Pulling a long hair out of your butt is probably the best feeling in the world. As a guy, it’s like the second best part of dating a girl.

Jawn-Uh-Thin

I always find it a little uncomfortable to say my own name.

Jonathan.

I thing the main reason is because I never really was close with anyone that I called “Jonathan.”

I hope I meet a wonderful Jonathan and it won’t be weird to say their full name.

Write-Ins

“The wet-nap industry has not advanced at all.” -Danny Spitz

“Our arms are the perfect length to wipe out own butts.” -Dad

Blind Leading The Blind

I shipped up to Boston.

On the train ride, sitting next to me, was a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel wearing a service dog vest.

Upon closer inspection, this “service dog” WAS COMPLETELY BLIND.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE CATARACTS.

Regardless, he was doing a very good job. 14/10.

 

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Gum In My Mouth

This past week, I had a nice outdoor lunch on the benches in Thompson Square Park. Upon standing up, I realized I sat in gum.

Like any functioning human, I googled the best way to get gum out of clothing.

Dear Internet,

When I search for “How to get gum out of clothing,” I need to know how to get gum out of clothing.

I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW “11 WAYS TO GET GUM OUT OF CLOTHING!”

I ONLY NEED THE BEST WAY.

Your Pal,

JB

Giant Metal Bird

I took 4 flights in the last 10 days. I made plenty of observations on these flights. Below are the highlights:

• I love flying. Except sometimes my arms get a little tired.
• Airplane malfunctions can be (and usually are) very bad. However, my favorite airplane malfunction is when my seat does not lock in the upright position. I get to recline my chair without any of the guilt. The second best malfunction is when the window cracks so I can get some fresh air.
• I saw a man wearing a Jet Blue collared shirt on my flight. This would be weird if we were on a Jet Blue flight. It was made weirder because we were flying Delta Airlines. He essentially wore a a Florida Marlins jersey to a Yankees-Red Sox game.
• The entire world needs a seminar on airplane etiquette. Running off the plane to de-board before the people in front of you is the biggest, and most frustrating, offense.
• One of my favorite parts about flying is when I get to turn on my phone after the flight and receive a bombardment of notifications. I feel loved. However, this feeling of ecstasy is ruined by airplane WiFi.
• I use the most exclamation points when I am about to take off: “I’ll text you when I land! Hope all is well on the ground! Hope I didn’t forget anything! Try to stay busy without me!”

Thots

Per usual, here are a few quick-hitters since I last posted:

• I could really use a Snackwell’s Devil Food Cake right fucking now.
• How did Simon Cowell get famous and how is he qualified?
• Imagine writing a movie and using the plot line of “let’s kill the dog!”
• I’ve been receiving a lot of Instagram ads for the Jonas Brothers. I attribute that to everyone always calling me JB.
• I’m very bad at telling if two people look alike.
• Does a cab driver get offended if they hear you buckle your seat-belt mid-ride?
• What exactly is toaster strudel? How broad of a category is it?
• Easybib.com was so lit. I never learned how to cite anything because of it. I hope students still use it. I honestly wouldn’t have any idea if there’s a better way to cite things nowadays.
• At the end of a vacation, no one’s outfit matches too well. It always comes down to the last clean shirt and pants. I wore navy on light blue. It worked, but not well.
• What’s more frowned upon: smoking a cigarette, having a flip phone, or using wired headphones?
• Everyone has their own unique pattern in which they chew gum.

Urinal Gum

While urinating in a urinal, I noticed someone spit out gum in the basin. It was saturated in other people’s pee.

Naturally, my mind wandered to “How much would someone have to pay me to chew on that for 60 seconds?”

I think I’d do it for 20 bucks. And then vomit profusely.

Please imagine yourself masticating this gum. Warm. Salty. Chewy.

Yum.

Upside Down – Inside Out

On a dessert menu, I saw “Upside Down Pineapple Cake.”

What is this, you may ask?

I figured it’s when you get tied up by your feet, hang upside down, and someone shoves baked pineapple down your throat.

I won’t accept any other interpretation.

Outfitted Sheets

Why don’t people sleep inside of fitted sheets? You can tuck your arms and legs into the sheet and you’ll be like a little cloth burrito.

Jamaican Me Crazy

I went to the Bahamas this past week. There were two notable moments.

1. I saw Ben Simmons.
2. I ate a cheeseburger in paradise.

Featuring hot dogs!

 

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Modify Genetically

I love bananas. I love bananas an unhealthy amount.

I like them so much that I typically just swallow them whole.

My one issue with bananas is that there’s a two-day sweet spot between green/bitter/hard and yellow/sweet/soft.

What if banana bunches were sold with varied ripeness? Like one banana is ready to eat right now, the next is a day less ripe, and so on and so forth.

A freshly ripe banana every day.

A Child’s Guillotine

Remember in every classroom growing up, there used to be a massive paper cutter with an aggressively sharp blade on it?

How was that allowed in classrooms? That’s a fucking weapon.

I’m shocked I didn’t know anyone who’s chopped off a digit with that torture device.

Quiches Suck

That’s it.

They suck.

Plus Tax

Early on in my prolific blogging career, I wrote a list of items that I did not know how much they cost.

For example, I listed a traffic cone, an ironing board, and life insurance.

I thought of a new one. Because I really want to buy one.

How much does a vending machine cost?

Frontseat Driver

I took an extensive drive with my dad the other day.

For the first time since I got my license, I got the privilege of doing the driving.

(Hey Dad, hope your colonoscopy went well!)

Here were his quotes, criticisms, and actions during this 1:15 hour drive:

• “Only I can text and drive. I know how to pay attention to the road and my phone. No one else can.”
• Sings every lyric to “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel – if your dad doesn’t know every word, he wasn’t cool in high school.
• Reaches over and turns the windshield wipers off x3.
• “Stay under 80 mph.”
• Opens Waze to check where the cops are.
• “Slow down earlier when you see break lights.”
• “We’re an hour early. I thought traffic would be worse.”

Sleeveless

This morning, I purchased an egg wrap and an iced coffee. It was a challenge to carry both because the iced coffee was very cold and the egg wrap was very hot.

My first instinct was to put a coffee sleeve around the iced coffee in order to resolve the Freezing Hand Syndrome.

That was the easy part.

However, I still had to deal with the scorching burrito.

*Lightbulb*

I put a coffee sleeve around the egg wrap. Brilliant.

Every establishment that sells a hot wrap/burrito should serve their folded tortillas with these sleeves encompassing.

Cushion For The Pushin’

Whose awful idea was it to use cushioned toilet seats? They’re gross and unsanitary and warm and gross.

Saturday Sr.

I’m pushing a strong initiative to rename “Thursday” to “Friday Jr.”

Who’s with me?!?!

Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap Your Hands

What is golf most famous for?

You’ve got it.

The Golf Clap.

I heard an interview with a golfer the other day and he said The Golf Clap no longer exists.

This is sad to me.

He said the reason for this is because everyone is holding phones while spectating.

Hence vocal roars of the crowd instead of gentle hand slaps.

Earth To Worm

I haven’t seen an earthworm in a while.

I kinda miss them.

If you have an earthworm, please show me.

Salad Fingers

I had a salad from Sweetgreen the other day.

While waiting on line, a bird shit on my arm.

That’s the last time I ever eat salad.

Salad Fingers 2.0

I had a salad from Sweetgreen the other day.

The lid of their bowls have a distinctive concave shape.

I believe the reason for this is so that girls without pockets have a place to hold their phone while also holding their salad.

You’re Old

You know you’re old when you have “Cell” or “Home” after someone’s name in your phone’s contact list.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Hearing the train conductors speak to the passengers on the subway is entirely indecipherable.

Speak clearer or post it on the digital message board.

Thank you.

The Game About The Thrones

For all of those who have been asking about my Game of Thrones predictions, here it is:

I believe The Hound will end up on the Iron Throne.

Get it?!?!

 

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Golden Hours

Below is a ranking of my favorite “hours”:

1. Cocktail Hour
2. Happy Hour
3. Witching Hour
4. 6 PM
5. Power Hour

Ballsy Situation

I had an ultrasound of my jinglebells the other day. Here are a few notes:

• The wand feels a little too much like a tongue.
• I got hard.
• The technician left the door open.
• I got harder.

A Few Thoughts

Like every stretch of time, a lot of nonsense goes through my head.

• If an ice cube is in a spherical shape, is it still called an “ice cube?”
• I finished a whole tube of Chapstick,
• Do they still teach cursive?
• I like mashed potatoes more than smashed potatoes.
• If you’re hosting an event, what percent of people actually want to be there?
• “Excelsior” is a terrible word.
• I wish I got to be older in the era where smoking in restaurants was allowed. Smoking a cigar while eating a steak sounds luxurious.

Mile High

Why do people drink coffee before/during flights?

Coffee makes me stay awake and have to poop.

On a flight, I want to fall asleep and not poop.

The Environment Blows

Is there a proper way to dispose of a helium balloon without popping it?

Do environmentalists care if I let my balloon float away?

Emoji Ban

We need a limit on the amount of emojis in the keyboard.

It takes far too long to search for my desired emoji.

We don’t need this many types of families. NO ONE uses an emoji to describe the members of their family.

Break In Case

On every automatic sliding door, it says “Push in case of emergency.”

Logistically, how does this work? Does the entire door frame just topple over? Does the glass break?

I really don’t get it.

Avoid This Restaurant

A couple weeks ago, I ordered delivery Chinese food from Jasmine Restaurant.

Let’s just say, I had a very poor experience. Since I worded my Yelp review so eloquently, I’ll just post my review here:

Ordered delivery from here. One item we ordered was the Shepherds Purse Wonton Soup with Chicken Broth. To our disgust, I found a FISH HEAD in my soup. Threw out the rest of the meal due to loss of appetite. I have a genuine concern that I will get sick from this food. Threw $54 worth of food in the garbage. Avoid this place.

UPDATE: I called the restaurant to get a refund for the meal. Did not seemed concerned at all that a fish head was found in a customer’s food. The manager tried to convince me that it was a shrimp in the soup. Very evidently by the picture attached, it was not shrimp. They agreed to refund the meal. We received a call from seamless regarding an $8 refund (the amount of the soup). I had to call back to get the rest of the meal refunded, as it was discarded immediately. Awaiting that refund and an apology.

Here was the picture of the fish head I attached on the review:

And no, I didn’t actually throw out the Chinese food. I was hungry.

 

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