Here’s The Story

For dinner a few weeks ago, I went out to eat for Jambalaya.

It was stupendous. I was even more stupefied because I had a lunch-amount of leftovers remaining.

I woke up the next morning with an unmistakeable feeling. I had to poop.

This was not your run-of-the-mill Monday morning session. This was induced by the food last night. This continued throughout the morning while at work.

For lunch, I had a decision to make. I brought the leftovers to serve as my “free” lunch. But did I want to suffer in the same manner again, in an effort to save $15?

After much deliberation, I ate the jambalaya for lunch that day. I spent plenty of more time on the john and had to cut my workout short.

There’s no such thing as a free lunch.

But it was still worth it.

Would You Rather?

I was sleeping at a friend’s house.

The first night, it was very hot.

The second night, the lights were left on.

I slept much better with the lights on than in the fiery inferno.

Would you rather, for the rest of your life, prefer to sleep with the lights fully on or sleep in 78 degree heat?

Lesser Of Evils: July 4th Edition

Every Independence Day, three unpleasant things happen.

• I get bit by a swarm of mosquitoes.
• We celebrate America’s birthday.
• I chafe between my legs.

Which do I despise most?

I really don’t know.

Except for America’s birthday. That shit is dope.

Random Thoughts: Volume 798.47

• Waking up to brush your teeth sucks because you’re like “ugh I JUST did this last night.”
• If there are multiple escalators going in the same direction, they should go at different speeds.
• Toys are always fun, but for different ages and different reasons.
• What percent of pet rocks are named “Rocky”?
• I can’t open wrappers with my mouth, because if it’s in my mouth, I want to eat it.
• I wonder how much an individual’s snapchat use decreases after their longest streak is broken.
• I’ve always wanted to learn the harmonica. But I never wanted to be “that guy” who plays the harmonica.
• The LTE and WiFi bars on cell phones has NEVER been honest.
• How does stuff not fall out of the back of a pickup truck?
• I hate the sound of someone using mouthwash.
• “My Chick Bad” is an underrated song.
• If someone sends me a screenshot, I always look at how much battery they have left.
• The “Screen Muncher” app on the Blackberry made the best noise. IYKYK.

When I Was A Young Warthog

I miss a lot of things about childhood.

Specifically, playing sports outside with my friends on a daily basis.

One childhood pleasure that isn’t talked about?

The “hand-washing” that occurred after you got all dirty from being outside, right before you start eating an incredibly unhealthy meal.

Washing hands, forearms, and under the nails pre-mac and cheese was always a treat.

Butt Thoughts

1. Do people use lube to help them poop when they’re constipated?
2. Pulling a long hair out of your butt is probably the best feeling in the world. As a guy, it’s like the second best part of dating a girl.

Jawn-Uh-Thin

I always find it a little uncomfortable to say my own name.

Jonathan.

I thing the main reason is because I never really was close with anyone that I called “Jonathan.”

I hope I meet a wonderful Jonathan and it won’t be weird to say their full name.

Write-Ins

“The wet-nap industry has not advanced at all.” -Danny Spitz

“Our arms are the perfect length to wipe out own butts.” -Dad

Blind Leading The Blind

I shipped up to Boston.

On the train ride, sitting next to me, was a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel wearing a service dog vest.

Upon closer inspection, this “service dog” WAS COMPLETELY BLIND.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE CATARACTS.

Regardless, he was doing a very good job. 14/10.

 

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