Consent Is Sexy

A Modern Blockbuster

Back in the Stone Age, we had to rewind our VHS tapes to the beginning before returning them to Blockbuster, as a courtesy.

Blockbuster announced a slogan, “Be Kind, Rewind” to behoove viewers to reset the VHS to factory settings.

Another company should adopt this slogan. A modern company.

I’m talking to you, Instagram.

A few months ago, I tweeted “On @instagram, if you send a post from a private account, it says, ‘Only JaneDoe followers will see this post.’ It needs a feature that tells the sender of the post whether or not the receiver follows the account. Eliminates the ‘Unavailable’ responses and ensuing screenshot.”

Conveniently, they added this feature exactly one week later.

My new suggestion is to adopt the retired Blockbuster motto.

When you send someone a post with multiple slides, PLEASE REWIND ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE FIRST SLIDE BEFORE SENDING. LET ME ENJOY THE POST THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED. I DON’T WANT THE POST TO BE RUINED BY READING IT OUT OF ORDER.

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac

No one likes hearing about other peoples’ dreams.

Don’t ever tell me about your dreams, unless it’s about me and I’m doing something cool or getting laid.

So let me tell you about this dream I had recently:

Who: Me. And my friends. But it’s always about me.

What: I was rejected from an outdoor bar, even though I felt fully healthy.

When: The summer of Covid.

Where: An outdoor bar. I told you this already.

Why: The bouncer took my temperature and it said 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit.

How: The bouncer told me to walk away. I obliged.

BlogBoy SpockBoy

My dear friend Alexander Spector started a blog recently. I’ve read every single post he’s published.

Let’s test out if he reciprocates.

Alex, if you’re reading this, please text me “I want the Jets to draft Justin Fields #1 overall.”

If you don’t, you’re a bad friend and you don’t support my dreams.

Please check out his blog spocknationmedia.com for shitty gambling tips and not shitty life advice.

Thoughts, by Yours Truly

We’re going to have a few recurring segments this post. Here’s my list of nonsense:

• I don’t call anyone “Big Guy” because I’m usually “Big Guy”.
• I wish “bat flips” were cool when I was in Little League.
• I saw an ice cream truck with a pool float and children’s toys in the back. That’s not a good look.
• I had eye boogers and I didn’t realize until 8pm.
• What the fuck ARE eye boogers.
• I dislike how “Yahoo!” has a ! at the end of it.
• “Out of the office” is an outdated term.
• I can tell if someone uses their blinker to change lanes based on their personality.
• I’m ALWAYS the first person to show up to a first date.
• I have trouble putting a jacket on using my left arm first. Same goes for backpacks.
• I dislike when people call them “knapsacks” instead of “backpack”.
• Left shoe always goes on first.
• I’ve never rented a car before.
• I’ve had the same candle in my room since college. How does anyone run out of candle?

Lyrical Genius

Here comes the second recurring bit. Out of context song lyrics:

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Artist: Nelly

Song: E.I.

Lyric 1: “If the head right, Nelly there every night.“

Commentary: “If the head right, JB there every night.”

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Artist: Juvenile ft. Soulja Slim

Song: Slow Motion

Lyric 1: “Hop up on top and start jicky-jicky-jerkin“

Commentary: My new life mission is to use the words ‘jicky-jicky-jerkin’ while in bed.

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Lyric 2: “I’m hoping she don’t leave my dick broken”

Commentary: Same dude, same.

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Lyric 3: “Would I be violating if I grab me a handful?”

Commentary: This is an odd way to ask for consent. But hey, consent is sexy. Juvenile seems like a good guy.

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I’m A Snacc

We know why you’re reading. You want to hear me talk about food. This segment is for you.

Chocolate lava cake is overrated.

The idea of it is better than the actual thing. Chocolate fudge cake gets zero love on a dessert menu, but lava cake gets all the praise?

Is it because it’s warm? Because it has ‘lava’ in it? Because it’s a fun thing to tell other people that you ordered?

All lava cakes taste the same. You always burn your tongue. The cake and fudge quality are usually slacking.

I save the soup “chunks” last.

I like getting rid of the broth and then eating the girth of the soup.

The less broth, the better.

I like crunchy peanut butter because I’m an adult.

But creamy peanut butter is way easier to spread.

When I was younger, I would cut up my food into pieces before eating it.

Imagine if I still did that? That’d be weird.

Just Covid Tings

• I miss free samples in the food court.
• I can’t spit in a urinal while I pee because I’m always wearing a mask whenever I’m standing in front of a urinal.
• Realizing you have a cut on your hand because you used Purell.

Foosball Is The Devil

I have a bone to pick with NFL refereeing. It’s not what you think.

When a ref throws the flag, it is sometimes in error.

In order to rectify this mistake, the ref will announce “The is no penalty on the previous play.”

Instead, the referee should announce “We originally believed there was defensive pass interference on the play. After discussion, we will not be penalizing the defense.”

The more transparency, the better.

In My Mind

I was in South Carolina for most of October.

If you ever find yourself there, make reservations at Hall’s Chophouse and Fleet’s Landing Restaurant, both in Charleston.

That’s about all I have to say about the entire state.

Olive Beer

My dinner tonight was not filling, so I’m drinking beer and eating olives while writing this blog to fill my belly.

The beer is solid, but the label is DOPE.

#ExpandTheBrand