Transfixations

Who decided that nipple piercings have to be horizontal?

What if I wanted to have vertical piercings?

As of today, I will be rotating my own nipple piercings 90 degrees clockwise.

Pictures to come next post.

Apple of Pine

If you were to put a fruit other than pineapple on your pizza, what would it be?

I think pear is the best option. Like a pear and prosciutto pizza. Maybe some arugula on there. Some balsamic and fresh mozz. A drizzle of olive oil too.

I’m actually going to try this.

Stay tuned.

Excel-Sior

I wish I could use Excel functions in my life.

I’d like to Control+Find my lost AirPod.

I’d like to Alt+Tab right back to the supermarket because I forgot to buy milk.

I’d like to just sometimes Hide.

I crowdsourced for this. I asked my Excel experts (hey Frankie Schiffer). Here are a few of their ideas:

• Trace Dependents to find mutual friends
• Format Table in case you’re eating on the go and need a table
• Remove Duplicates to edit your shopping cart
• #REF to explain that a friend of yours is being an idiot
• Cut and Paste to move all streets around in NYC
• Freeze Panes for Vision
• YOU SHOULD MAKE THIS INTO A CHILDREN’S BOOK

Excel Book

I will be writing a children’s book by the title of “The Adventures of Excel-Sior.”

He is a superhero who can use Excel shortcuts in real life. I will need an illustrator and all of my readers to buy the book.

Thoughts of the Week-Ish

Everyone’s favorite tradition: reading random phrases I’ve written in my note sheet.

• I used to think brown rice was just white rice with soy sauce on it.
• I’m a thick bitch, I need tempo.
• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but please finish your pizza crust.
• When someone says “I don’t want to be mean, but…” it’s usually not mean enough.
• Is it more or less frowned upon to pee in an outdoor shower?
• I don’t trust anyone who drinks Red Bull consistently.
• I shouldn’t have to brush my teeth before going to the dentist.
• Is it possible to have a bar tab running for weeks at a time?
• I can dry swallow pills, but I can’t dry swallow gum.
• The best naps are when you’re trying not to nap.
• Why doesn’t tape stick to the back of tape when it’s on the roll?
• How do you know if a rear headlight is out?
• Is it still called a headlight if it’s on the rear?
• I like the word couch better than sofa.
• I like the word dinner better than supper.

Just Like A Tattoo

I pick at my face when I’m stressed. You can always tell what I’m stressed by how many scabs I have on my face.

I stop picking once I see a bad scab, and I don’t pick at it until this scar goes away.

I may just get a permanent scab tattooed on my forehead so I’ll always remember not to pick at it.

The Big Move

I moved to a new apartment. It’s a 3 bed, 2 bath duplex in the heart of West Village. No big deal.

However, the move went terribly. We moved into a disgusting apartment where nearly everything was broken and covered in dirt.

The worst part is that the upstairs shower does not drain. Here is a power ranking of the worst part about a shower that doesn’t drain:

1. I can’t pee in the shower without my feet soaking in the urine.
2. My body hair won’t drain. The tub looks like it used Rogaine.
3. I have to shower in under 2 minutes or I’ll drown.

Here are some other pictures of the apartment:

Everyone is welcome to come to the housewarming party.*

*As long as you bring cleaning supplies and a tool kit.

 

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