Gum In My Mouth

This past week, I had a nice outdoor lunch on the benches in Thompson Square Park. Upon standing up, I realized I sat in gum.

Like any functioning human, I googled the best way to get gum out of clothing.

Dear Internet,

When I search for “How to get gum out of clothing,” I need to know how to get gum out of clothing.

I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW “11 WAYS TO GET GUM OUT OF CLOTHING!”

I ONLY NEED THE BEST WAY.

Your Pal,

JB

Giant Metal Bird

I took 4 flights in the last 10 days. I made plenty of observations on these flights. Below are the highlights:

• I love flying. Except sometimes my arms get a little tired.
• Airplane malfunctions can be (and usually are) very bad. However, my favorite airplane malfunction is when my seat does not lock in the upright position. I get to recline my chair without any of the guilt. The second best malfunction is when the window cracks so I can get some fresh air.
• I saw a man wearing a Jet Blue collared shirt on my flight. This would be weird if we were on a Jet Blue flight. It was made weirder because we were flying Delta Airlines. He essentially wore a a Florida Marlins jersey to a Yankees-Red Sox game.
• The entire world needs a seminar on airplane etiquette. Running off the plane to de-board before the people in front of you is the biggest, and most frustrating, offense.
• One of my favorite parts about flying is when I get to turn on my phone after the flight and receive a bombardment of notifications. I feel loved. However, this feeling of ecstasy is ruined by airplane WiFi.
• I use the most exclamation points when I am about to take off: “I’ll text you when I land! Hope all is well on the ground! Hope I didn’t forget anything! Try to stay busy without me!”

Thots

Per usual, here are a few quick-hitters since I last posted:

• I could really use a Snackwell’s Devil Food Cake right fucking now.
• How did Simon Cowell get famous and how is he qualified?
• Imagine writing a movie and using the plot line of “let’s kill the dog!”
• I’ve been receiving a lot of Instagram ads for the Jonas Brothers. I attribute that to everyone always calling me JB.
• I’m very bad at telling if two people look alike.
• Does a cab driver get offended if they hear you buckle your seat-belt mid-ride?
• What exactly is toaster strudel? How broad of a category is it?
• Easybib.com was so lit. I never learned how to cite anything because of it. I hope students still use it. I honestly wouldn’t have any idea if there’s a better way to cite things nowadays.
• At the end of a vacation, no one’s outfit matches too well. It always comes down to the last clean shirt and pants. I wore navy on light blue. It worked, but not well.
• What’s more frowned upon: smoking a cigarette, having a flip phone, or using wired headphones?
• Everyone has their own unique pattern in which they chew gum.

Urinal Gum

While urinating in a urinal, I noticed someone spit out gum in the basin. It was saturated in other people’s pee.

Naturally, my mind wandered to “How much would someone have to pay me to chew on that for 60 seconds?”

I think I’d do it for 20 bucks. And then vomit profusely.

Please imagine yourself masticating this gum. Warm. Salty. Chewy.

Yum.

Upside Down – Inside Out

On a dessert menu, I saw “Upside Down Pineapple Cake.”

What is this, you may ask?

I figured it’s when you get tied up by your feet, hang upside down, and someone shoves baked pineapple down your throat.

I won’t accept any other interpretation.

Outfitted Sheets

Why don’t people sleep inside of fitted sheets? You can tuck your arms and legs into the sheet and you’ll be like a little cloth burrito.

Jamaican Me Crazy

I went to the Bahamas this past week. There were two notable moments.

1. I saw Ben Simmons.
2. I ate a cheeseburger in paradise.

Featuring hot dogs!

 

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