Passengers

The rising and falling actions of my flight from Newark to Zürich:

Drink two Sam Adams Boston Lagers

Drink two Jack Daniels on the rocks

Board the plane

Meet a wonderful woman next to me that I’m trying to impress.

She tells me that she’s from Mexico but moved to Dubai to advance her career in belly dancing. I am absolutely fawning.

She has sufficiently wooed me.

I have ambitious hopes of joining the Mile High Club.

I take my Ambien.

Ambitions of joining the Mile High Club have evaporated.

I pretend to know about movies that we scroll through so I seem cultured. I pick “The Greatest Showman.” She picks “Shrek.”

No, she’s not 6.

I told her she could lean on my shoulder if she falls asleep. Obviously didn’t work out for me.

While it’s great to sit next to an intriguing person, I’d still prefer to be sitting next to a dog.

Dinner comes and we cheers over a couple little bottles of wine.

She puts half-and-half creamer on her salad by mistake. I notice, but don’t correct her. My nose starts gushing blood. She finds this funny. I return the embarrassment and point out that she put coffee creamer on lettuce and ate the whole thing. We’re even.

However, my nose continues to bleed all over my dinner. Good thing it was pasta with red sauce.

Zac Efron just fell in love with some woman at the circus in the movie I’m watching.

We both get a second bottle of wine.

Nose still bleeding.

How am I still so wired after 6 drinks and an Ambien?

I’d sell stock in Swiss Airlines because they won’t have any napkins in their inventory once I leave this flight.

THE. BLOOD. HAS. CEASED.

Here’s the bottle of bloody tissues that has become famous on this flight from Newark to Zürich.

Two more sneezes. Still clean.

I Mustache You A Question

One person can make an individual mustache style cool. Anyone who imitates it is just subordinate.

For example:

Hulk Hogan had the handlebars. He owns that.

Hitler had the small mustache. He owns that.

Steve Harvey had the Steve Harvey. He owns that.

Fu Manchu had the long wispy mustache. He owns that.

Fucking losers had the mustache that curls up on the sides. They own that.

iPhone X Review

From a guy who knows nothing about technology.

It’s a little too big to truly be a one-handed phone.

I don’t like the gray dead space on the bottom.

I still don’t understand what the notch on top is for.

I will be using emojis and gifs less because the “switch keyboard” button is a little further than it was before.

I have trouble accessing the control center since you need to pull down exactly from the corner.

iCloud makes it so easy to change phones. The format of my apps on the homescreen stayed the same. Some apps even remained logged in.

I used Animojis once and it’s unreal. I’ll also never use it again.

There’s little vibrations with every motion. Stop doing that.

How does Bluetooth work on an airplane?

#ExpandTheBrand