Sharpshooter

I have really bad aim during my first pee in the morning.

Sorry if you’ve ever shared a bathroom with me.

Rest In Peace

I had Lasik corrective eye surgery on Thursday (shoutout Spector Eye Care). I would like to honor a meaningful friend after this monumental moment in my life: my glasses. So here is my attempt at writing an obituary for my glasses:

Sweet, baby glasses. What a run we had. You were born right before my freshman year of high school and did a seamless job succeeding those wire-rimmed nerd glasses I started wearing in 6th grade. I wore you sporadically when we were first introduced. You’d appear as my savior when I needed you most – sitting in the back of the classroom.

Things stayed stagnant for a while until my migraines starting worsening. My doctor recommended wearing glasses every day to ease eye strain and cease said migraines. And you worked. You were the best thing I had going.

It wasn’t always peaches and cream. Nothing ever is. You’d always fog up when I walked into air conditioning. You used to get this white build up on the frame. You’d obstruct my vision by letting rain drops fall on you. You’d slip off my nose when I got too sweaty. You prevented me from wearing sunglasses because I was so reliant on you and I didn’t want to buy a prescription sun-protecting complement for you. I couldn’t nap with you on my face. You knew how much I liked naps.

Now that we are eternally separated, I plan on throwing you in the garbage.

Maybe one day I’ll find another pair when I’m old and can’t read words directly in front of my face. Or Google Glasses. Those would be sick.

RIP to Ray. A reliable, trustworthy, and caregiving friend. You will be missed dearly. Every time someone says “you looked better with glasses,” I’ll think of you. Thank you, Mr. Ban.

Average TV Shows

Pretty sure I’m the only person who ever watched My Name Is Earl.

Ear Worm

The sound when you mix a burrito bowl around with a fork is very off putting. The proof is in the pudding.

Also, an ear worm is the actual term for a song that’s stuck in your head.

Daniel Powter

You know someone is having a bad day when you see them throw a broken umbrella in the trash.

Sneak Peek

Everyone takes a quick peek in the tissue after you blow your nose, right?

Always Use Protection

I was given this protective eyewear so I don’t rub my eyes when I sleep for the next three days.

Can’t wait to write an obituary for these.

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