Indigenous Peoples’ Day

This may just be me being small-minded and intolerant.

But really?!? Some states have made a holiday called “Indigenous Peoples’ Day.”

It’s not just a random day in the middle of the Gregorian Calendar. It’s on Columbus Day.

Do the inventors of this holiday know the implications of what they did?

By making these holidays on the same day, I had to go to work today.

Maybe in the future, we’ll have off for Indigenous Peoples’ Day.

Had they made it a different day, that could potentially be a day off for each.

That’s 2 (two) days off.

Good Humor

Here is an old joke that still resonates today:

“Can you hear me now?”

“Good.”

Dating

When I was a mere child, I never knew the date.

As a student, I never knew the date.

As a working man, I always have to know the date.

I am now a dating expert.

Under My Umbrella, Ella, Ella, Eh

I’m an umbrella guy.

However.

There’s one thing I hate about using an umbrella.

When I’m walking and I’m unsure if it’s raining or not, the action of reaching your arm out to check if it’s still raining is the most bitch thing a homo sapiens can do.

Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture

Girls love taking pictures during pregames. Here are some of the comments I overheard this weekend.

• “You need to put the flash on with this background.”
• “Ew, I look so ugly in this picture.”
• “Ew, I look so gross in this picture.”
• “Ew, I look so fat in this picture.”
• “Wait, can I go on that side?”
• “My butt looks bigger from the left side.”
• “Is this too much cleavage?”
• “Am I too extra?”
• “Smile and pretend you love me.”

Please feel free to submit any comments I may have missed.

Take Cover

Remember in elementary school when we used to use clear keyboard covers to keep the keyboards clean?

Do schools still use these?

Did anyone ever clean the covers?

Why don’t people still use these?

How dirty is the keyboard that you type on everyday?

It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Below is how you cut a PB&J sandwich.

Don’t @ me.

And yes, birds are creepy.

And yes again, I do toast my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

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Time Is Money

For the amount of time I’ve been through, I’m still so bad at judging how long I’ve been doing something.

If you ask me to count to 30, I’ll probably be five seconds off.

If we’ve been doing something for 30 minutes and you ask me how long it has been, I’ll probably be five minutes off.

Rain Man

Every time I get a new pair of shoes, it rains the next day so I can’t wear them.

Pound The Alarm

If you had the Nickelodeon alarm clock growing up, you were a real one.

Hooky

How many times do you think your parents wanted you to stay home from school in elementary/middle school because they didn’t want to go to work and wanted someone to hang out with, but they couldn’t because they had to teach that you can’t just skip school for nonsense?

I think this was a run-on sentence so I should have paid more attention in elementary/middle school.

Snackies

At what age do people start serving snacks at pregames?

I’d appreciate some chips+guac or pretzels+hummus with my Tito’s+Gatorade.

Grizzly Adams

Underrated perk of having a beard:

No one thinks it’s going to be soft so they’re impressed when they touch it and it is soft.

Back To The Future

Some guy in the locker room was staring at me like I was from the future.

How did he know?

That Time Of The Month

I like the months with 31 days because it’s like buying 30 days of an apartment and getting one day free!

Hot Diggity Dog

I went to Coney Island this weekend for a Chance the Rapper concert. The highlight was Jim Jones coming out and performing “We Fly High”.

The second highlight was going to the original Nathan’s Hot Dogs. I got one hot dog and two corn dogs. Below is a nude picture of my corn dog.

Yes, I did put ketchup and mustard on my weiner.

 

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Guilty Hot Pleasure

If I’m hot and sweaty (and have my shirt off), I’ll purposely spill water I’m drinking so it trickles through my beard and onto my chest.

Suds Talk

How clean does soap actually make your hands?

I feel, as a society, we just accept the fact that soap makes our hands clean.

There is no way it makes our hands fully clean.

Stay woke.

I don’t wash my hands fully.

When I wash my hands, I use soap.

However, I try not to get my hands too soaked in water because it takes longer and is more difficult to dry off afterwards.

This leaves my hands with a little soap on them.

A little extra water will solve this problem.

I still refuse to use more water. I will perpetually have some soap on my hands after washing.

I’m Making Waffles

Everyone agrees waffle fries are the best form of fries.

If you disagree, you’re wrong.

If they’re unanimously the favorite, why don’t more places offer them?

Angered

I have a new hobby. Here’s how I describe it:

Pissing someone off by saying “I have something to tell you… Never mind”

Hankering For A Chief

I want to start using a handkerchief.

But that means I’d have to clean it frequently.

I probably shouldn’t start using a handkerchief.

Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll

You know what today’s music ain’t got?

The same soul.

I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll.

Pee Wee Reese

What’s the best part of Reese’s Cups?

• Chocolate
• Peanut Butter
• Chocolate/Peanut Butter Ratio

A Viable Option

I was on hold the other day with Adidas Customer Service for about 25 minutes the other day.

I had this thought:

I should be allowed to select the type of audio I want to listen to while waiting on hold. For example…

• “Press 1 for Hip-Hop”
• “Press 2 for Country”
• “Press 3 for Smooth Jazz”
• “Press 4 for Stand-Up Comedy”
• “Press 5 for Audiobook version of Fahrenheit 451”
• “Press 6 for Silence”
• “Press 7 for Weather”
• “Press 8 for The Atypical Audiobook Podcast”
• “Press 9 for a Dog Barking”
• “Press * for Someone Breathing In Your Ear”
• “Press # for Fergie’s Awful Rendition Of The National Anthem”
• “Press 0 for Gentle Moaning”

This is going to make me rich.

How Do You Pronounce “Museum”?

We took Sophie to the pop-up dog museum in the West Village this weekend. Look how much fun she had:

It’s pronounced “Myew-zee-um”

 

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Screecher

Remember that extremely high-pitched noise that supposedly only young people could hear?

I wonder if I can still hear it.

Cornelius Cobert

How do Mexican restaurants get the corn off the cob so effectively?

Leveon Bell

I have been pleading and tweeting at Taco Bell to bring back my favorite item: The Triple-Double Crunchwrap.

It’s beef, nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, and sour cream.

Broken into three layers, separated by MASSIVE TORTILLA CHIPS.

Triple double Crunchwrap supreme

Detergent

It’s a terrible regret when you get through two straight laundry cycles and you don’t wear your favorite shirt.

OMG I Broke A Nail

@Girls help me understand how badly it sucks to chip a freshly painted nail

The Chronicles Of Gymnasia

I went to the gym the other day. And got shredded. But that’s not all…

A man walked in with his “girl friend.” Below are some notes I took during their “workout.”

• Man
• • 5’6
• • Fake tanned skin
• • First stages of balding
• • Graphic tee
• • Biiiiig biceps
• • Skinny legs
• Woman
• • HOT
• • Skimpy gym attire
• • 82% in shape
• • Busty
• • Snake tattoo up her forearm
• • Dream catcher on the small of her back (the Tramp Stamp variety)
• • Skin showing on the back of her shoulders
• Actions
• • Walked around the gym with his hand on her buttocks.
• • He guided her arms through a shoulder press.
• • She struggled.
• • He took her place on the bench and showed her how to do it and made sure she watched.
• • He kissed her to seal the instruction.
• • He squatted down to her eye level and kissed her.
• • SHE’S NOT INTO IT.
• • He massaged her.
• • She turned around and they high-fived.
• • He bended over to kiss her nude shoulder epidermis.
• • She wiped away the kiss.
• • She Shazamed songs while he groaned about lifting so much.
• • They both barely worked out.
• Picture Of Them

Big Package

I never knew that Milano Cookies and Goldfish have the same exact packaging.

You never knew that either.

Now you know.

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Conscience

This is the most self-conscious thing I’ve ever seen:

I saw a lady in a sling.

She put a decorative scarf around her sling to make it stylish.

Be in pain and look ugly like the rest of us.

In Hot Water

If you don’t use warm water in a public sink, you’re a psychopath.

Unpopular

I only wet the toothbrush before I put toothpaste on.

Never after.

Bagging Groceries

If I ran a supermarket, I would use funny/creative/cute plastic bags because everyone reuses them as garbage bags.

If there was a puppy or a pun on the bag, I would reuse the shit out of it.

Dashes

I have never hyphenated a word and finished it on the next line. How do people de-

cide when to do this?

Fear Of The Unknown

I have a few places I consistently order delivery from (shoutout Abumi Sushi and Mee’s Noodles).

I have zero idea where these places are or what they look like.

I think it’s better that way.

Gangster Of Spirits

Today, I saw two people in the gym with “Spiritual Gangster” shirts.

I didn’t like it.

I’m not spiritual, nor a gangster.

I don’t know why I don’t like it, but I just don’t like it.

Dog Food

Listen. I love food. There’s not many things I like more on this planet than food.

However.

Dogs love it more. I don’t (often) spin in circles and jump up and down to eat the same dry meal twice a day. Every damn day.

There’s a lot of regrettable things I’d do for a good piece of food. But to do literally anything someone commanded for a bite of cheese is a bit excessive.

Skillz That Killz

Here are some of the most important child skills that doesn’t matter now:

• Armpit farting
• Burping alphabet
• Hopscotch

I was going to put jump-roping but that’s actually kind of important for staying in shape.

Pay Your Taxes

The below fly has been dead and stuck to the window pane for about four months.

I don’t want to remove it because it allows me to claim “taxidermy” as a hobby.

Shana Tova

To all my fellow Jews out there, I’d like to wish you all a happy and healthy New Year!

Sophie would like to wish you a sweet New Year as well.

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