Mic’ed Up

During important football games, they often put a live microphone on one of the best players in order to capture the sounds and voices of the game.

While many viewers think this is great television, I think of it as the best opportunity to showcase my daily thoughts.

Here are a few of the things I’d say:

• “Does my butt look good right now?”
• “Shit, tomorrow is laundry day.”
• “Have you used JSwipe before?”
• “My dog swallowed my wallet.”
• “Do I look like Kevin Malone from The Office?”
• “Pink Sands is the best flavor of Yankee Candle.”

Nose Penetration

My nasal passages get clogged sometimes.

I discovered Afrin a couple years ago.

It is by far the medicine that works best, in any setting.

DayQuil kinda works.

Advil kinda works.

Oxycodone kinda works (I needed it post-surgery!).

Afrin. Always. Works.

Metaphorically Speaking

Instagram ads are new infomercials.

^I don’t really know what I was thinking when I wrote this down. It makes no sense.

But it sounds philosophical and insightful.

Hack My Life

The biggest life hack is being nice to the people at Chipotle, in order to get more food.

It works every time.

Load up the rice and beans.

I Wanna Be Famous

Here are some things I most want to be famous for:

• Golfing
• Blogging
• Some world record
• Podcasting
• Philanthropy
• Sexiest Man Alive

Some are more achievable than others.

I can’t wait for my spread for People magazine.

I Wanna Be In Movies

Once I’m famous, this is my plan:

• Become famous
• Say something controversial
• Sit on the money for the rest of my life

Hot Towel?

How are towels so absorbent?

Why do they never look wet?

We Are Family

I like meeting siblings.

The reason I like meeting siblings is because I always ask them one question:

“Which sibling is the best?”

This always gets way deeper than expected. Everyone tries to be civil.

But there is always a right answer.

It gets very uncomfortable.

Air Traffic Control

A trusted advisor of mine shed light on a controversial topic.

The ambulance jet stream.

This is the idea of following an ambulance through traffic as they fullback through surrendering vehicles.

Is it ethical?

No.

Is it moral?

No.

Do I do it?

Every time.

For any questions or concerns regarding the philosophy of Jet Streaming, please refer to Peter.

You must figure out his last name on your own for confidentiality purposes.

Smelly Cat

I found this at work the other day. When was the last time you saw one of these?

It was dead and scentless.

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Peeve

When someone uses a sauce or a dressing, a little drippage spills over the side.

It’s only natural.

However, if said person does not clean this up, it develops a crusty, gooey layer on the edge.

When I touch this ejaculate, I get angry.

(I tried finding a synonym for the noun “ejaculate,” but no word worked quite as well. I also had to clear my history.)

Sorry!

My Pet

“Peeve” is a very good name for your pet.

“Meet my pet, Peeve!”

Cold Beer On A Friday Night

Chicken can be made in a myriad of ways:

• Seared
• Baked
• Grilled
• Sous-vide
• Slow cooked
• Roasted
• Fried
• Pressure cooked

However, if you’re describing to someone the chicken you just ate, it was prepared one of two ways:

• Grilled
• Fried

Grilled=Healthy

Fried=Unhealthy

You’ll never catch yourself telling someone you had pressure-cooked chicken for dinner.

Quarter-Life Crisis

I don’t think I’m in a quarter-life crisis.

But I might be.

Here’s how I know:

I googled “How to moonwalk.”

Best In Show

If life were scored like the Westminster Dog Show and there was a category for “Bald Men,” I think I’d come Best In Show.

Here are a few of the people that I would be competing with:

• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
• Rick Ross
• Jeff Bezos
• Johnny Sins
• Michael Jordan
• Vin Diesel

Yeah, I’m confident I’d win.

Bachelorette

I really want to get on this show.

If anyone has any strong connections, please let me know.

What’s The Deal?

I like airplane food.

Yeah, I said it.

Unless it’s fish.

Coca-Cola Red-Bone

With all of the drama and feuding going on in our beautiful nation, we need Ken Bone to make a comeback.

Compact Discus

I saw this on the sidewalk the other day:

If this isn’t a metaphor for the early 2000s, then I don’t know what is.

 

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How I Shower

If I am out of shampoo, I’ll just use soap all over because I have no hair.

If I am out of soap, I’ll just use shampoo all over because I have a lot of hair.

Whoa.

A Couple Good Ideas

I had two fantastic company ideas. All it takes is one celebrity and a Buzzfeed article to get business booming.

Dog Ear Piercing

People dress up their dogs in outfits and paint their nails and do other weird shit.

Why isn’t ear piercing next?

“It’s inhumane to hurt an innocent dog without them knowing what’s going on!”

Oh, fuck off. People pierce their babies’ ears all the time.

“You’re gonna mess up the dogs’ ears!“

People clip their dogs’ ears off for show purposes. Get over yourself.

Naked Yoga

We’re going to focus on empowerment and reclaiming one’s body.

People are always looking for new ways to do yoga – there’s no way “Goat Yoga” serves any functional purpose, other than a cute Instagram post. And people wear close to nothing anyway for yoga. Why not just strip the clothes completely?

Even I will attend this class!*

*if I have a class roster and seating chart

IQ Test

No one sounds intelligent when they say the word, “literally.”

Drop The Michael

Every bad singer holds the microphone the same way.

Sea Foam Green

Why is my pee sometimes foamier than other times?

Boom Boom Boom Boom

Would Instagram Boomerangs be cooler or more annoying if they had noise?

Dating Coach

Reading back into old conversations is the dating version of preparing for an interview.

Express Yourself

We all make the same faces when something happens.

Stick with me here.

Every person has the same expression when they’re excited or happy or angry.

Is this human nature? Or are we just imitating expressions that we see?

For what it’s worth, I think it’s human nature because babies make the same ugly crying face that adults make. Babies are definitely not old enough to imitate expressions.

Just Like A Tattoo

I didn’t know that men shave their arms/legs if they have tattoos there. It makes sense though.

This Is Art

I saw this thing on a street in Hell’s Kitchen. Is this structure a piece of art? Or does it serve some functional purpose?

I. Need. Answers.

 

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Scandalous

I don’t particularly want to have a terrible, career-defining scandal.

BUT, if I were to have such scandal, I’d want it to happen at the Westgate Hotel.

We can call it Westgategate.

I Hope He Gets A Little Hurt

I am an avid sports watcher and fantasy football player.

At moments during any game, if a player is dominating against my team, I kiiinda wish they would get injured.

It’s fucked up to wish a serious injury, like an ACL tear or arm amputation, upon anyone.

But turf toe? A stomach bug? That’s the right amount of injured.

Ortho-Dentist

Yes, that is a purposeful typo.

I went to the dentist this week. I had a few dentistical thoughts:

1. Without counting, how many teeth do you have?
2. I haven’t gotten fluoride in probably ten years. However, I still feel like I’m not allowed to eat until 30 minutes after leaving the dentist.
3. Has anyone ever been to the dentist and been told they have done a good job flossing?
4. I’m going to start flossing every day. So far, I’m 3 for 5. Please join me on this journey to having strong gums.
5. Do teeth tartar and tartar sauce have anything in common?

Should’ve Put A Ring On It

What is the main purpose of a wedding rings?

• Some emotional bullshit between both parties?
• So that each individual doesn’t forget in case they’re about to do something stupid?
• A deterrent from drunk idiots to slur pick-up lines at them at a bar?

Winter Is Coming

I’m way more excited for winter hat season than anyone else.

My head gets chilly sometimes.

Wearing a winter hat also doesn’t mess up my hair.

Dee Vee Dee

Personal DVD players were a hilarious invention. A must have in the early 2000s.

Now, they are rendered completely useless.

I want a new one.

Pad Can See You

I took a picture of Pad See Ew the other night to show someone. It was delivered from a Thai place in a to-go container. However, it looked really pretty. Have a look for yourself:

I’ll give it a 7.2/10.

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Itchy Itchy Itchy, Scratch Scratch Scratch

I have a bad itch in the middle of my back that I can’t reach, so I’m just gonna blog about it instead.

Anything Is Possible

I tried the Impossible Burger.

I want to describe it in a funny way, but I can’t find the words. So here are a few descriptions and I hope at least one of them make you laugh.

It tasted like….

• My chest hair (medium rare)
• Your mom’s chest hair (this quote is from a movie that I am failing to remember the title of)
• Braised pussy willows
• A plaid button down
• A mosquito
• The last thing Bear Grylls would eat before dying
• Canned tuna fish (left opened and at room temperature for 127 hours)

In summation, it’s worth trying at least once.

Boogie, Woogie, Woogie!

Here is my analysis of common places people pick their nose:

Bedroom

You have your hiding spots to secure the remnants.

Taxi

Just don’t do it in an Uber or Lyft because they will lower your passenger rating.

See: I am a 4.2 on Uber.

Anywhere (with a fellow nosepicker)

Comparing who has found more carat gold is a national pastime.

At Work

Must do it in the bathroom. Privacy. Always feel pressured to wash hands after going to the bathroom at work – something I don’t always do in the comfort of my own home.

On Wisconsin

I own something made out of “badger hair.” If you can guess what it is, I’ll enter you into a raffle for a chance to win one of the shirts currently in my closet.

Sushi Pizza

I was at the Amish Market the other day. I saw the below heinous act.

I don’t even have to explain why.

But yes, he is eating pizza with chopsticks.

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy

Imagine you’re at the urinal in a public bathroom and the guy next to you starts doing this:

Oops, wrong “cowboy” gif…

Imagine you’re at the urinal in a public bathroom and the guy next to you starts doing this:

Ignore the pizza (if possible).

Is this the best pee-dance of all time?

Can I Get Yo Numbah?

Everyone has their same “poetic” way of saying their phone number out loud.

I Got Soul, But I’m Not A Soldier

I used to get new shoes when they got too dirty or ripped.

Now I get new shoes when the soles wear out.

For some reason, this makes me feel old.

Free The Nipple

I love nipples.

Meme Lord

I’ve never made a meme before.

I went to a food festival today and I was inspired to make one.

Anyways, here goes nothing:

I did it!

 

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