Captain Hook

The below post showed up on my TimeHop from Facebook 2010. It is still incredible relevant today:

“What’s the best way to eat a candy cane?”

It’s tough to keep your hands not sticky, not eat plastic wrapper, and not break your teeth.

Gender Fluidity

Are there any male Pomeranians or Yorkies?

If I see one of these “toy-like” dogs, I assume it’s a female.

Corny Jokes

Whenever I eat corn, I whisper to every individual kernel, “See you later!”

Nails Did

Yes, I get my nails done. They’re called MANicures for a reason.

Quantity Over Quality

I’ll stand by the fact that Chinese food does not vary in quality very much. Expensive Chinese food and cheap Chinese food are very similar.

I’ve never had Chinese food and said “Wow, this is some high quality chicken and beef.”

Except Peking duck. That’s the one exception.

Show The Embarrassment

The most embarrassing question in the world was brought to my attention recently by a trusted advisor of mine.

His name is Mike. But I call him “Dad”.

On an airplane, he heard two different people ask:

“Can I please have a seatbelt extender?”

If I were that fat, I’d bring my own seatbelt extender to save the embarrassment.

Save The Embarrassment

The most self-conscious thing someone can do is pull down their shirt to cover their fat rolls.

Adulting

I want to learn how to roll a burrito.

Someone teach me.

Go DJ, That’s My DJ

If I were a DJ, I’d never play “Hot In Herre” by Nelly. I

t always makes me second guess my body temperature.

Anus

Does anyone know how to pronounce “Anise”?

Spoon Size

If a girl offers to be “big spoon,” she’s a keeper.

LOUD NOISES

How are car alarms so loud?

Why can’t I play music out of those speakers?

Moose

What is mousse?

Is it a dessert?

Is it a hair product?

Is it a large mammal with antlers?

Nobody knows.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Why aren’t Santa hats warm?

They’re meant to be worn in winter.

I should make a warm Santa hat that can be work as an everyday knit hat.

Electric Fan

If you could relinquish all of your sports fandoms and hand-pick your new teams, based on past, present, and future, who would you choose?

Here’s my list:

NFL: Seattle Seahawks – Best fanbase, recent Super Bowl win, Beast Mode

NBA: Miami Heat – Wade, Lebron, Shaq, three recent Finals wins

MLB: New York Yankees – 27 rings, always competitive, unlimited money, Derek Jeter

NHL: Las Vegas Golden Knights – Best inaugural season in sports history, Vegas

NCAAF: Alabama – Winning is everything

NCAAB: UNC – Michael Jordan –> Jordan gear

Supergood

I went to Sadelle’s the other day for brunch.

Jonah Hill dined with us to celebrate my sister’s birthday.

Best. Friends.

Hip-Hop

I received a submission from a loyal reader: Danny Spitz.

Please enjoy the below fun facts about hippopotami.

Please feel free to send in submissions of things that will make me laugh.

 

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Predatory Eats

There are not many foods we eat that come from animals that could kill us.

Here’s my list of animals I eat that I think could kill me:

• Bison
• Sea Urchin
• Alligator
• Eel
• Shark Fin
• Octopus

Bison eat grass, but they can trample the fuck out of me. I’ll never encounter a sea urchin face to face. Eating alligator is gimmicky. I’ll also never run into an eel in a position where they could kill me. A shark could kill me, but a shark fin cannot. I’ll take down an octopus.

Noogler

I google a lot of stupid shit. Here’s a list of stupid shit I’ve googled recently:

• Baby corgis
• Baby pitbulls
• Is alligator a delicacy?
• Risotto recipes
• What is risotto?
• Am I really that ugly?
• Medicine ball workouts
• Best way to tie your shoes
• Morgan Freeman age
• Price of a pound of gold
• Price of a pound of silver
• Price of a pound of bronze
• Price of a pound of platinum
• How to spell “gesundheit”?
• Why do we say “bless you”?

If you need the answers to any of these, feel free to ask me.

Metal Hierarchy

In the Olympics, as I’m sure you know, the hierarchy of medals is gold, silver, then bronze.

This is not true for subscription plans. Platinum is always first, ahead of gold.

Price-wise, gold is more expensive than platinum. It should be number one in the rankings.

Double-Team

I want to start a new sports league:

Tag Team Boxing

It’s pretty self-explanatory. Each team consists of two boxers. It starts one-on-one, but each boxer can tap in and out and switch with their teammate.

Who wouldn’t watch?

PING!

“Pinging” someone is a common term in my office. It’s used to say that you’ll shoot them a quick message, usually over Skype or Google Chat.

What is the origin of “ping?”

Does it really date to the PING! feature on the Blackberry?

By the way, the PING! feature was the dumbest feature. Why would anyone just want to send a message saying “PING!” to someone.

This is probably the main reason why iPhone did better than Blackberry.

Flossin’ On You

What do you do when you get food un-lodged from your teeth?

I’ve seen people flick it. I’ve seen people wipe it on the bottom of the table. I’ve seen people spit it out into an abyss.

I always swallow it.

It’s food. I paid for it. I’m gonna eat it.

Gesundheit

Remember last post when I talked about how weird saying “bless you” is?

Well, I got a lot of feedback.

Everyone thinks they know why we started saying it. However, I heard three different reasons why people think we say it.

1. It dates back to the plague.
2. When you sneeze, your heart stops.
3. If you sneezed, you were a witch.

Maybe one of these is right.

But I really don’t care.

It’s stupid either way.

Music To My Ears

Why do people like their favorite music?

Is it the experience of listening to the song? Do they like the sounds? Is it the nostalgia associated with a song?

For me, I think it’s the nostalgia. I don’t “love” a song until I get a memory to associate with it.

Preferential Treatment

I figured out how to tell which one of your friends you like more.

Go to a movie and get there in time for the trailers.

Whoever you look at first after each trailer is who you like more.

Trailerhood

If a movie is about religion, race, or gender equality, you’re not allowed to say “this movie looks terrible” during the trailer.

That’s just the rule.

Dark Pair Of Shades

Wearing sunglasses in the winter is an art.

I never know how bright it is going to be until I walk outside. Forecasts are very bad at telling how sunny it’s going to be.

Also, the sun is only up for 58 minutes.

But I really want to get precise in when I can wear my sunglasses in the winter.

I think a winter hat and sunglasses is a good look.

Whip My Hair

After taking my winter hat off, I’ll still shake my head back and forth as if I had hair.

Muscle memory? Nostalgia? Making myself look more majestic?

Lil Kids

I’ve laughed at this meme for about a week straight.

I hope I just gave you entertainment for your upcoming week.

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Tater

Why do we put different condiments on different forms of potatoes?

• French Fries
• • Ketchup
• • Chili Cheese
• • Poutine
• • Truffle Oil
• Potato Pancake
• • Apple Sauce
• • Sour Cream
• Hash Browns
• • Ketchup
• • Runny Egg
• Knish
• • Russian Dressing
• • Mustard
• Mashed Potatoes
• • Butter
• • Gravy
• Sweet Potatoes
• • Marshmallows
• • Honey Mustard
• • Sugar
• • Butter
• Gnocchi
• • Pesto
• • Tomato Sauce
• • Garlic and Oil
• • Grated Parmesan
• Baked Potato
• • Butter
• • Sour Cream
• • Bacon, Cheese, and Chive
• • Hot Sauce
• Potato Salad
• • Mayonnaise
• Potato Au Gratin/Scalloped Potatoes/Potato Dauphinoise
• • Cheese Sauce

A Mile In My Shoes

I’d love to log into someone’s Instagram account to see what they see.

Maybe they follow a satisfying video account that I’d enjoy (shoutout @ifyouhigh).

Maybe they follow a porn star who posts revealing pictures (shoutout @allison.parker22).

Maybe they follow an aspiring blogger who has a shiny bald head (shoutout @_goodlooking).

Power Shower

I, for one, do not mind if someone else sings in the shower.*

*Under the condition that they are a good singer.

If you are an 8/10 or above, you should be a designated shower-singer. I don’t mind a little “All Of Me,” as long as you have 80% of John Legend’s singing ability.

This same rule applies for whistling. A 10/10 whistler gives me a half-chub.

I am a 7.8/10 whistler. At times, I can rise to a 9. When I’m at a 9 and I’m feeling myself, I’ll whistle like Tim Donaghy trying to help the Lakers cover the spread.

When I drop to a 5.1, I know it’s time to shut the fuck up.

If only everyone had the same awareness as me.

Printing Press

Why do people look at me funny when I put freshly printed paper against my face?

Matt Groening

Groaning while standing up in a bathroom stall is mandatory.

Just Swell*

*This below point only relates to those who have used a Swell water bottle.

If you overfill your Swell bottle above the line, just drink the top sip. Don’t spill it out.

Don’t waste my time dumping water back into the water fountain. You’re going to drink it anyway.

Nostril-damus

I’ve been hypersensitive to smells recently.

So if you smell bad, please don’t come near me.

Yes, you, pudgy teen at Sweetgreen.

But if you’re pleasantly aromatic, bring me all the good smells.

Designer Songs

As soon as the song, “Panda” by Desiigner came out, everyone knew it would be a one-hit wonder.

Shoe My

Shumai is the worst Chinese food appetizer.

It’s fried but soggy. It’s definitely freezer –> microwave –> table. The shrimp inside is from last February.

On a brighter note, autocorrect tried to change “shumai” to “whimsical.”

God Bless Pooping

Do you say “bless you” when the person in the bathroom stall next to you sneezes?

This question got me thinking…

God Bless Sneezes

People don’t think about how weird it is that we say “bless you” after someone sneezes.

It’s odd because so many cultures do it, and it has been passed down for centuries. It’s stupid and it makes no sense.

Lights Out

“A lightbulb went off in my head.”

What did people say before electricity was invented?

Fragility

I got a box in the mail that said, “FRAGILE”.

I opened the box. It contained my Nespresso pods.

Anyone care to explain how Nespresso pods are fragile?

Girls Who Lift

I was at the gym. Getting swollen. Per usual.

This random girl and I were making quite a bit of eye contact.

She walks directly in front of me. She slightly taps her left butt cheek. Right in front of my face.

So what do I do? I go full Marshawn Lynch on her.

BEAST MODE

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Happy Morning

Mouthing “good morning” to someone looks like you’re blowing a kiss.

Let’s just say, it was a very awkward morning at work.

*Drum Beat*

When I send or receive a stupid joke over text, I often respond with “ba dum chhhh.”

Like the drum beat that every shitty comedy act does.

iPhone autocorrect tries soooo hard to fix this.

Sounds like Apple should start using manualcorrect.

Ba dum chhhhhhhhhh!

Bloggers Are People Too

I was told I wasn’t someone’s “usual type.”

I asked what that meant.

She said “you’re a ‘bro’ and I’m not usually into that. But you’re also artsy and I like that.”

If you want to get laid, start a blog.

No-Shave November

I’m not participating in No-Shave November. But I do have a beard.

So if you want to Venmo me some cash, it will go directly to my bank account: @Jonathan-Belfer

Red Red Wine

I had a glass of red wine spilled on me at dinner. That’s all. Just pity me.

Fur Baby

Wearing a fur hood is really ticklish for me because I forget what it’s like to have the feeling of hair touching my face.

Except that my beard is hair on my face.

Whoa.

Send Noodz

Some people are so protective over pictures in their phone. If they’re protecting their pictures, I immediately assume they’re trying to hide naked photos.

This got me thinking: do people actually save nudes on their phone?

I may start taking screenshots from porn stars so I have them on my phone just so I can also be protective.

Give Me Thanks

During the Thanksgiving football game on Thursday Night, they asked Matt Ryan what is his favorite Thanksgiving food. For those of you who don’t know, Matt Ryan is a scrawny quarterback for the Falcons.

I don’t give a shit what Matt Ryan likes to eat at Thanksgiving.

I want to know what the fattest, 410-pound nose tackle eats at Thanksgiving. In excruciating detail.

Give Me More Thanks

Since everyone gives their shitty takes on Thanksgiving food, here are my shitty takes.

Cranberry sauce is the best part of the meal.

Stuffing is the worst part of the meal.

Where Brooklyn At?

I want to become famous.

I want to become famous so I can be the most famous Brooklyn Nets fan.

The Jumbotron did their promotion of showing the celebrities that were in attendance on Sunday.

They showed Ethan Hawke. And only Ethan Hawke.

It can’t be THAT hard to become more famous than Ethan freakin’ Hawke.

Stick It In your Earhole

If you use two Q-tips at once to clean your ears, you’re a psychopath.

And you look ridiculous.

Please Don’t Report Me

I love locker rooms. Here’s why:

• It looks clean.
  • It’s kinda gross, but no one seems to care.
• Locker room talk.
  • If you know, you know.
• I can walk around with wet feet.
  • And no one gets mad at me.
• I get to walk around with dick out.
  • I can only do this in locker rooms, my apartment, and my office (JUST KIDDING PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME).

I Just Want To See You Sweat

I went to the doctor for my excessive armpit sweating.

Since all my friends looooved pointing out how much I am sweating, I’m still waiting on my first compliment on how little I’m sweating.

Foxy News

While at the diner, drunk, at 2:30 AM Thanksgiving morning, this was the headline on Fox News.

This is impossible not to laugh at.

 

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Finish Me Off

Which of the below three have you finished most frequently?:

• A Chapstick
• A pencil
• High school

I’ve finished both high school and a Chapstick one apiece.

I have never finished a pencil.

Yeah, I Make My Bed

I make my bed every morning.

Here are the reasons why (in order from least important to most important:

5. It’s cozier to get into a made bed every night.

4. It makes my room look neater.

3. I get to tell people that I make my bed.

2. I get to feel superior because I make my bed.

1. I get to scorn others for not making their bed.

It Ain’t Easy

In my head, cheese is healthy.

When I was younger, I was told to eat dairy so my bones would grow stronger.

So I would eat cheese.

It’s also not fried or breaded or oily.

So cheese is healthy.

T-T-T-T-Today Junior

Parents often name their son the same name as the father and tag a Jr. on the end.

Why don’t we do this for daughters?

GRRRRR

Sometimes, I just grunt loudly.

Why do I do this?

Large Talk

I’ve previously discussed on this blog how much people love mentioning the weather in small talk.

This is all good and well.

But there’s a limit.

On Thursday, it snowed.

On Friday, I went to the doctor’s office (unrelated to the snow).

While in the waiting room, one lady was waiting there for about an hour, and she was getting fed up. Rightfully so.

She informs the lady next to her of how long she has been waiting.

The lady next to her say “yeah, this weather is just throwing everything off.”

No, lady.

There is no way the snow is affecting how long people are sitting in the waiting room.

Epidermis

I went to the dermatologist for the first time ever.

The doctor had a very serious disposition.

During the full body exam, he said “pull your scrotum to the side.”

I moved it accordingly.

However, I should have handled this situation differently.

Here’s how it would have ideally played out:

Doctor: Pull your scrotum to the side.

Me: What’s a scrotum?

Doctor: Your nut sack.

I missed the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make a stoic, 70-year-old doctor say the words, “Nut. Sack.”

Like White On Rice

I’ve never had white rice at Chipotle before.

Getting it with brown rice is just sooooooo much healthier.

You Is Old

You know you’re old when a dog you follow on Instagram dies.

Dead Instagram Dogs

I happened to be driving in the fast lane on the highway when I thought of the whole “Dead Instagram Dog” idea.

I had to write it down in my note sheet before I forgot.

So I picked up my phone to write it down. As soon as I looked at my phone, police sirens sounded and appeared from the officer’s car behind me. I threw down my phone and moved over a lane.

The sirens were for someone else.

Don’t blog and drive, kids!

Dunkaroo

You know those single-serve pretzel and hummus dip things?

No?

Well, here’s a picture of it:

I am a biiiiig fan of these.

The problem with them is that I either finish with too much hummus and not enough pretzels, or too many pretzels and not enough hummus

Here’s how I would solve this dilemma.

I would put a diagram on the packaging that shows you how much hummus to put on each pretzel to evenly distribute the hummus throughout the duration of the snack.

 

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