Appropriate situations to wear a headband

Sweat on your forehead while playing basketball

Sweat on your forehead while playing tennis

Outdoor drinking events

When I own a gym, these machines will face each other

Embarrassing vehicles to get pulled over by:

Bicycle

Smart car

Segway

~Segue~

@ElonMusk we need you

When we were younger, all the buzz about developing flying cars. Now all of the focus is on electronic cars. WHERE IS MY FLYING CAR?!? We gave up on the true dream.

Rate my hinge profile responses

Need some feedback. Slide in DMs.

#ExpandTheBrand

Breast Feeding

I went to a Yankee game today. Three rows behind me, I saw a woman openly breast feeding. Here are my thoughts on breast feeding in public through various stages of my life:

6 months old – LUNCH!

12 years old – ewwww gross!!

21 years old – go get a fucking room

23 years old – imagine if they put her on the Jumbotron right now

This is how I’m trying to grow my blog

I matched with a girl on tinder who said she was a photographer in her bio. This is the conversation that ensued:

The morning after summary

I watched three things on tv last night: Westworld, Silicon Valley, and Cavs-Pacers. I will now summarize all three.

Cavaliers win the opening tip. Bernard washes up on the shore and his glasses float away. They start talking about how this guy had sexual relations with a robot on Silicon Valley (which is literally the entire basis of Westworld). Then Jared goes on tv and does an interview and then puts injections in his lips to make them bigger. Kevin Love dishes to Kyle Korver for three to give the Cavs a 4 point lead with two minutes remaining. A bengal tiger is found dead.

I’ll never run a marathon

I’m just not cut out for it.

Questions I asked myself that made me laugh

The word “blog” is a combination of the words “web” and “log.” Is it still considered a blog if you print it out?

Is a flight up in the air if it’s already booked?

Is a degree from Trump University or The Electoral College more valuable?

A genius that isn’t me

At Yankee Stadium, they sell an incredible product. It’s a big cup filled with soda, topped with a little bucket of fries and chicken fingers. Oh, and a straw goes through the bowl of food. So you have access to the fried goodness, bubbly sugar drink, AND YOUR SECOND HAND (Oxford comma gang or die). Here’s an impressively attractive video of me using this innovation:

You can tell how much I cared about making this a good video because I put chicken and soda in my mouth at the same time. I sacrificed a gross bite for my readers.

#ExpandTheBrand

Thanks for the Feedback!

I’d like to say thank you for all of the people who have been sharing my blog with the world. I also appreciate the advice I have been given. To show my appreciation, I’ve decided to post all of the feedback I’ve received thus far:

Talk about what clothes are appropriate to wear post grad

Talk about shoes I can wear post grad

You missed a lot of things to add to your bathroom list

Let people write on your blog and let it be a medium for them

You should get ads

You should start making a video blog as well since you’re ugly and recognizable

Make a podcast

Shave your beard

You look like thefatjewish

You should really fix the design on your site

You shouldn’t use WordPress since it sucks

Write more like Francis from barstool

You should take more pictures

You should make a list at the beginning of the week and write in depth about each one each day

You’re adopted

Respond to popular tweets and interact with funny people and then post your blog link

Get twitter famous

Social media

I guess I have to talk about some serious things on this blog. So here’s my take on social media:

I was very upset with social media for a while. It is used to brag about what you’re doing and make other people jealous. I was guilty of this as well. I almost deactivated all of my accounts but I’m not that crazy and also don’t have the fortitude to do so.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve tried to use social media to make others laugh, find useful connections, and catch up with old friends. I like it significantly better now.

I highly recommend reevaluating your relationship with social media.

I was drunk last night and these are the two things I wrote in my notes:

Get two pony tails in your beard for new blog post

Farting at a pregame is funny

RIP Mini Me

Verne Troyer, the actor who played Mini Me, has passed away today. Life is short. RIP.

Here is a boomerang of my friend Zach and me on a hot dog seesaw:

#ExpandTheBrand

I’ve got some questions about blogging that I’d like some answers to:

What demographic cares about my blog?

Does any demographic care about my blog?

When do I start doing giveaways?

How quickly into a conversation am I allowed to mention my blog?

Is having a blog more annoying than doing CrossFit?

Is having a blog more annoying than being a vegan?

Are vegans going to get mad at me for saying that?

How long do I have to blog until people say “oh, he’s a blogger now”?

Will this blog help me make money?

Will this blog help me make friends?

Will this blog help me get laid?

Why the hell am I doing this blog?

Think about how dirty this is:

I have been preaching for years about how dirty your cell phone is. You shake peoples hands, touch subway rails, use the bathroom, etc. all while touching your phone. And yet we never clean them. And then we put them up against our faces to make phone calls. I am not practicing what I preach since I’ve never cleaned my phone in my two years having it. There are germs on this phone from when I studied abroad in Rome. There are a bunch of weird Eastern European germs on this phone. So this all leads back to why I grew a beard: to stop these germs from touching my face.

*impressive segue to beards*

Segue to Beards

I’m workshopping a new look. Let me know what you guys think:

#ExpandTheBrand

Here are some things I did this morning that are definitely not weird:

Blow dry my beard, armpits, and chest hair

Dry off in my sheets – J. Cole once rapped about this in “In the Morning” so it’s trendy #PlatinumWithNoFeatures

Write blog ideas in the notes page of my phone

Put socks on before pants

Sing “Good Morning Baltimore” from Hairspray

Swipe right on Tinder until I run out of swipes

Swipe right on JSwipe until my thumb cramps

Swipe right on Bumble until my thumb falls off

Go on Hinge

Eat four scoops of chunky peanut butter and take a shot of espresso

Things that are weird (in general)

Referees wearing alternate uniforms

Saying the Pledge of Allegiance every day

Flushing in a public bathroom

Rooting for a baseball team that plays in Flushing, Queens

Washing your jeans after less than seven wears

I need some advice

I have a cactus at my desk and it’s really crooked. Anyone have any advice on how to fix this? Removing the sombrero is non-negotiable so don’t even try. Please slide in my DMs at @BanPinkLemonade on Twitter if you know anything about horticulture.

#ExpandTheBrand