Cologne, Germany

If I really like the smell of a specific Febreze, is it frowned upon to use it as cologne?

Offspring

I want to have a kid so I can finish their leftover mac and cheese and chicken nuggets.

I want to have a kid so I have an excuse to try all of the unhealthy desserts they have at the supermarket (THEY HAVE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH BITES!!)

I want to have a kid because they would produce great content to blog about.

I don’t want to have a kid because they’re incredibly annoying and I’m wildly irresponsible.

I’m just going to buy my dog Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites and split the box with her.

Maimonides

If a cashier asks you if you’d like to donate a dollar to charity with your purchase and you say no, you’re an asshole.

Definitive Candy Ranking

The best candy in 25 cent machines:

1. Runts
2. Gum-balls*
3. Peanut M&Ms
4. Gum-balls**

*if they have the yellow gum-ball that says you can win another gum-ball or a free soda or something

**if there is no potential to win any bonus prizes

Best Discontinued Commercial Stars

Sun Drop Girl

“Dirty Mouth” Orbit Girl

Maxwell the Pig that goes “Weeeee!” from Geico

It’s Me, Sunny D!

Rinsing your mouth out with warm water after brushing your teeth is almost as bad as drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth. Almost.

Short Hair, Don’t Care

You’re not allowed to wash your hair until three days after Lasik surgery. That’s such a bigger problem for everyone else that isn’t me.

Bowling For Soup

The bowling alley is a terrible place to go if you’re insecure about your shoe size.

According to a reliable source, I look like a bowling pin.

Did you know, the circumference of the widest part of a bowling pin is equal to the height of the bowling pin?

Eye Drop, Drop Top

I’m not very good at putting in eye drops.

I swear this is an eye drop.

#ExpandTheBrand

Sharpshooter

I have really bad aim during my first pee in the morning.

Sorry if you’ve ever shared a bathroom with me.

Rest In Peace

I had Lasik corrective eye surgery on Thursday (shoutout Spector Eye Care). I would like to honor a meaningful friend after this monumental moment in my life: my glasses. So here is my attempt at writing an obituary for my glasses:

Sweet, baby glasses. What a run we had. You were born right before my freshman year of high school and did a seamless job succeeding those wire-rimmed nerd glasses I started wearing in 6th grade. I wore you sporadically when we were first introduced. You’d appear as my savior when I needed you most – sitting in the back of the classroom.

Things stayed stagnant for a while until my migraines starting worsening. My doctor recommended wearing glasses every day to ease eye strain and cease said migraines. And you worked. You were the best thing I had going.

It wasn’t always peaches and cream. Nothing ever is. You’d always fog up when I walked into air conditioning. You used to get this white build up on the frame. You’d obstruct my vision by letting rain drops fall on you. You’d slip off my nose when I got too sweaty. You prevented me from wearing sunglasses because I was so reliant on you and I didn’t want to buy a prescription sun-protecting complement for you. I couldn’t nap with you on my face. You knew how much I liked naps.

Now that we are eternally separated, I plan on throwing you in the garbage.

Maybe one day I’ll find another pair when I’m old and can’t read words directly in front of my face. Or Google Glasses. Those would be sick.

RIP to Ray. A reliable, trustworthy, and caregiving friend. You will be missed dearly. Every time someone says “you looked better with glasses,” I’ll think of you. Thank you, Mr. Ban.

Average TV Shows

Pretty sure I’m the only person who ever watched My Name Is Earl.

Ear Worm

The sound when you mix a burrito bowl around with a fork is very off putting. The proof is in the pudding.

Also, an ear worm is the actual term for a song that’s stuck in your head.

Daniel Powter

You know someone is having a bad day when you see them throw a broken umbrella in the trash.

Sneak Peek

Everyone takes a quick peek in the tissue after you blow your nose, right?

Always Use Protection

I was given this protective eyewear so I don’t rub my eyes when I sleep for the next three days.

Can’t wait to write an obituary for these.

#ExpandTheBrand

Devastation

There’s nothing more devastating than a chip breaking inside of dip.

Heroism

There’s nothing more heroic than effectively saving a chip from a dip.

New Law

If you sneeze on someone, you should have to pay them $20 on the spot.

This is America, We Speak American

I once heard that Gray is spelled with an A in America and spelled Grey with an E in England. Not sure if this is true but I like it, so I’m going to continue doing it this way.

Boredom

How is it that I get bored of certain apps on my phone, bored of texting certain people on my phone, bored of reading certain websites on my phone, but I NEVER get bored of using my phone?

We get bored of everything on our phone, but never get bored of our actual phone.

*Whoa*

Dessert Has Two S’s

Has anyone ever gotten full off just eating dessert?

It takes a lot of dessert to fill both your stomach and your Dessert Pocket©.

MoviePass

Nothing screams “let’s try to make this relationship work” more than getting MoviePass together.

Her: “we don’t see each other enough”

Him (in thought): *I don’t want to give up anything I care about. Hmmmm, movies are a good bullshit date. And I can tolerate them.*

Him: “Let’s get MoviePass together so we can go to the movies more often!”

Her: “You’re so thoughtful!”

Dating Advice

Clearly not too good at it. See above.

Sponsorship

I am officially cutting ties with Rogaine as my official sponsor.

It clearly didn’t work.

#ExpandTheBrand

Shoehorns

I guess they’re kind of useful.

Picasso

Let me paint a picture for you.

Please let me know how you’d react.

You’re walking your dog. Your dog is a male. A group of people walk up to you and start petting your dog. Your dog gets sexually aroused. What do you do?

A. Haha sorry about that

B. He takes after his father

C. You can’t just leave him like that…

D. Ignore it

Improper use of public infrastructure

I saw someone talking on an iPhone in a phone booth. I guess this kind of makes sense.

Fish that goes well with cheese

Fish and cheese mixture is typically pretty taboo in the culinary world. But I’m here to break stereotypes. This can easily be googled but I’m going to post using my memory:

Lobster Mac and Cheese

White clam pizza

Tuna melt

Crab pretzel

Caesar salad with anchovies

Tunnels

How in hell are they built?!?!?

Quantity of thank you’s

Who says it the most?:

Taxi drivers

Bodega cashiers

Two coworkers who don’t know each other very well

Game show winner

Jay-Z in the song Numb/Encore with Linkin Park

Shower heating

First of all, how many different showers do you think you’ve showered in?

My number is 46.

In how many of those showers, has the water gotten really hot once the toilet is flushed?

In my life – none.

I’m convinced it’s a myth that a shower gets really hot once the toilet is flushed simultaneously. I remember it happened once in an episode of Doug on Nickelodeon so it was just mutually agreed upon from that point in history that water scalds after a toilet is flushed.

iPhone mysteries

I’ve been an iPhone user for quite some time now. There are still a couple features I have yet to figure out despite how frequently I use them:

Snooze duration

Amount of time in between the first and second notification for a text message

Avengers Spoiler

I saw the new Avengers: Infinity Wars. I’m shocked none of the Avengers died.

Settlers of Catan

Let me know if you’ve ever seen a more focused player:

Laser. Focus.

Happy Mother’s Day

To all the amazing Mothers out there. But especially my Mom, Bubbie, and Grandma. Because they’re the best. I love you so much and thank you for all you’ve done for me.

#ExpandTheBrand

Normal gym attire

Wear a helmet to spin class

Rowing machine in a wetsuit

Boot camp class in army gear

Show up to basketball court in a full suit, change into full uniform, leave in same suit

Hockey gear at Rockefeller center ice rink

Fortnight

A fortnight is a unit of time equal to 14 days (2 weeks). The word derives from the Old English meaning “fourteen nights”. Some wages and salaries are paid on a fortnightly basis; however in North America it is far more common to use the term biweekly.

If I had a registry at this point in my life, I would want:

A hammock

A pair of Yeezys

Season tickets to the Yankees (Legends Seats)

A dinner date with Emily Ratajkowski

A ticket to next year’s Met Gala (and an outfit)

One million blog followers

World peace

Unlimited Hinge likes for a year

Some of those little socks that stay hidden

A big cactus for my room

A Peleton bike

A donation to my registry GoFundMe page

If any of you guys want to help out, you know how to reach me.

Walk It Like I Talk It

I went to run a few errands on Monday night. I ended up going on a three hour walk through Central Park on my lonesome. I did a lot of thinking.

But it wasn’t critical thinking at all. I tried keeping it very simple:

1. Which direction do I want to turn?
2. What song do I want to listen to?

While I didn’t accomplish much in terms of figuring out life plans, I worked on making instinctual, nonessential decisions based on what made me happy at that exact moment.

When I typically walk, I tend to think a lot about which way gets me to my destination quickest, what people think about when they look at me, which album/podcast should I listen to, and what am I going to do afterwards? This instance, I did not have any regard for the direction I walked. I listened to every song that piqued a smile. I sang and danced and bobbed my head with no regard for the passerby’s. I didn’t think about anything beyond the moment I was stuck in.

It was refreshing.

I also saw a raccoon trying to catch a turtle in the water so that was pretty dope.

I was trying to post the video which was much clearer and cuter, but I needed the more expensive WordPress plan in order to post videos. So this screenshot of the video will have to do because I am NOT spending any more money on this stupid blog. Sorry!

#ExpandTheBrand