Why Do I Like the Beach?

• Precisely one week later, you can peel dead skin with your friends
• Drinking beer as soon as I wake up
• Digging with my feet
• Peeing in the ocean
• I used to enjoy scratching my head to get all of the sand out of my hair, but it’s been a while since I’ve done that
• Sand makes for a great sandwich condiment

My Worst Character Traits

• I judge people who have wired headphones
• I blow my nose at the dinner table

Crimes That The Police Do Not Care About

• Scalping tickets
• Jaywalking
• Grand theft auto

Costco

I went to Costco for the first time in my life this weekend. Naturally, I took notes:

• You NEED a shopping list
• It’s a terrible place to have A.D.D.
• The shopping carts are so wide
• The carts should have a little iPad with a directory and map so you can search items and know exactly where to find them
• I like that pool supplies are next to the seafood
• They don’t give you bags at checkout. My favorite part about grocery shopping is carrying 50 bags at once from the car to my house in one trip. Buying in bulk is a prime opportunity to do this.
• With everything being bought in bulk, I assume there’d be more urinals in the bathroom.

Next Stop

I’ve never been to Ikea.

Someone please volunteer to take me.

I’ll buy you Swedish meatballs.

Liquor?

I just met her!

Cheesy Jokes

I bought Kraft Singles sliced cheese when I first moved into my apartment in August 2017.

I have used 3 slices of it.

It is now 10 months later and the cheese is still sitting in my fridge… with no signs of molding.

Despite how gross mold is, it’s even grosser that the cheese doesn’t have mold.

Cash or Credit?

I would like to see a chart of credit card versus cash usage over a 50 year timeframe.

I could probably Google this, but it’s much more interesting to think about.

Best Ice Cream Truck Items

1) Choco Taco

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2) Chipwich

3) Screwball

4) Frozen Snickers

5) Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake Pop

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.

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986) Spongebob Squarepants Ice Pop

Rogaine

All of my balding friends confide in me for balding advice.

It’s nice to be an expert in something.

Urine

I peed in a clean Porta Potty for the first time ever.

It was so clean.

There was no liquid in the basin.

There was no pee on the seat (until I peed on the seat)

There was no repulsive stench.

What. An. Experience.

Hipsters

Do hipsters like being called hipsters?

If they are grouped as a hipster, that’s not very hipster of them.

Train Ticket

I took a train this weekend from New York City to Rahway, New Jersey.

Per usual, the conductor took my ticket and put this ticket on my seat.

How does this ticket make any sense? Need some explanation.

This was honestly a pretty artsy picture.

*Shot on iPhone 6s*

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Sounds I Haven’t Heard in a While

Yahooooo!

“You’ve got mail”

Blackberry alarm tone

Dial-up tone

Official Ranking of Worst Parts About Being Sick

1. Shitty sleep
2. Runny nose
3. Stuffy nose
4. Sneezing
5. Burning eyes
6. Coughing
7. Sore throat
8. Lost voice
9. Taking massive pills
10. Taking medication that never works

*This also doubles as my list about things I don’t like about allergies

Official Ranking of Best Parts About Being Sick

1. NyQuil
2. Complaining
3. Lots of rest

PIP

What ever happened to the picture-in-picture function on the television?

In case you don’t remember (I know my Silent Majority remembers), it was the ability to put a little screen from a different channel in the corner of the main screen.

It was impossible for me to watch Game 1 of the NBA Finals and the Scripps’ National Spelling Bee simultaneously.

It was a tough choice. As much as I love basketball, I’m also infatuated by spelling, bees, and spelling bees.

Safety Pins

I got stabbed by a safety pin the other day.

Whoever named it a “safety pin,” I’d like to politely say “fuck you.”

Junior

JR Smith had the biggest bonehead play in NBA history by trying to dribble out the clock with 5 seconds left in a tie game in the NBA Finals. In solidarity with JR, here are some things I’ve done the past couple weeks that are almost as bad:

• Wore mismatching socks
• Forgot to bring an umbrella to work
• Forgot to pick up my dry cleaning
• Went to refresh an Excel sheet at work and I pressed Fn+Shift+F8 instead of Fn+Shift+F9
• Made eye contact with a crazy person on the subway
• Came back to my apartment drunk and missed the toilet when I peed (sorry Spector)
• Forgot a comma in my last blog post
• Popped a pimple a day too early

That’s What She Said

I can’t hear this phrase without thinking of the immature joke made famous by me in middle school.

The Office definitely stole it from me.

It sucks that people say “that’s what she said” in a serious manner.

Change.org petition coming soon to ban this phrase (unless it’s being used in an immature manner).

I Like Turtles

I golfed this weekend. No, I did not shoot under a 120.

However, I met a new friend. It was a turtle.

This little turtle almost got crushed by a golf ball. I tried to pick up the turtle and move it closer to the water. However, it was a snapping turtle. And it tried to bite me.

In order to get an understanding of what this turtle wanted and its inhibitions to snap at me, I took to Tinder to do some investigative journalism.

Before we start, this is how the conversation ended:

To protect her complete anonymity, we will call her Jeanne from Tinder.

Opening Statements:

JB: This turtle was a feckless c**t. I tried to help this turtle return to shelter and away from the danger of impending missiles. I even offered him a ride in my golf cart. That’s a microcosm for what is wrong with America.

Jeanne: That’s what’s wrong with America? Turtles’ unwillingness to get into golf carts? Also, I believe the term you’re looking for is “metaphor,” not “microcosm.”

Cross-Examination:

Jeanne: Can you explain how a turtle not getting into a golf cart is a microcosm for what is wrong with America?

JB: It’s a situation where someone is trying to help another being. I tried to help the turtle, the turtle thought I was acting in a deleterious manner, and it tried to attack me. Both parties ended up upset.

Jeanne: I’m pretty sure that’s a metaphor, not a microcosm. But did you ever consider that the turtle didn’t need your help and you just made things worse by thinking you knew better then it?

JB: Than*. And no, I didn’t consider that. I know I’m way smarter than that turtle. The turtle was in the middle of a golf course. Almost got hit by a ball. It also tried to bite a golf club when I shoved a 7-iron in its face. That’s a pretty stupid thing to do. And yes, microcosm works in this sense. It’s a small situation that represents a larger situation.

Jeanne: IT’S A SITUATION THAT IS REPRESENTATIVE OF ANOTHER SITUATION – IT’S A METAPHOR. How do you know you’re smarter than that turtle? You tried to pick up a wild animal – pretty stupid of you.

JB: I was under the influence of alcohol. Seemed like the smart thing to do at the time.

Jeanne: Did you ever think that maybe the golf course was in the middle of the turtle’s home?

JB: Yes, yes I did. My golf course took over the turtle’s home. Trail of Tears style.

Jeanne: How would you feel if some drunk asshole 10 times your size stuck a metal stick in your face and then tried to pick you up?

JB: If I was in the middle of the desert, all alone, and there was a body of water in the distance, and he had a car? You best believe I’m hopping in.

Closing Statements:

Jeanne: You’re clearly a stubborn and argumentative person who won’t admit when he’s wrong.

JB: I hope you enjoy reading about yourself on my blog.

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Double Standards

I have found this very unfair over the past few days. I wore a t-shirt that said “University of Maryland” across the chest.

Whenever I wear this shirt, I always find people staring at my chest.

Excuse me everyone, my eyes are up here.

It’s even worse when I wear my tracksuit that says “Juicy” across the butt. People are always ogling me. I’m not a piece of meat. Frankly, I’m sick of it.

I will be starting a foundation called “Stop Staring At My Tits And Ass When I Wear Outfits That Have Words On Them,” or “SSAMTAAWIWOTHWOT,” for short.

Together, we will stop this disgusting form of shaming.

Worst Places To Get A Nose Bleed

KKK Rally

Drug Addicts Anonymous

Dentist office

Sitting in the last row of a sports stadium

In bed with someone, while sitting on top of them, facing each other (for whatever reason)

Skydiving

While committing murder or theft

Shark-infested water

Parenting

DISCLAIMER: To the best of my knowledge, I am not yet a father.

Parents must have a favorite child, right? It’s only human nature to like one person more than the rest.

For example, how do the Manning parents say that they like Peyton, Eli, and Cooper Manning equally?

I just made a lot of readers question their family dynamic. Sorry!

Better Shazam

For all my over-40 readers (the blog’s Silent Majority), Shazam is a smartphone app. If there’s a song playing you can’t identify, you open the app, press the center button, and it listens and feeds back the song title and artist.

Below is a list of things that I wish Shazam worked for. I’m looking at you, Wayne Brady!

• People I meet for the first time and immediately forget their names
• People I meet for the thousandth time and still forget their names
• Dog breeds
• Dog’s names so I can call them over to greet me
• Famous landmarks
• Math
• Tv shows
• Movies
• Which are the best/most popular items on a menu
• Paintings/sculptures because I’m trying to sound cultured AF (@SilentMajority —> “AF” directly translates to “As Fuck”)

Cactus update

With all this parent talk, I’d like to give an update on the cactus I have been fathering for the past year. If you recall in an older blog post “Definitive List of Things That Are and Aren’t Weird,” the cactus was tilting over (probably definitely because of the sombrero). Here’s how I fixed his path of development:

I looped a twist tie through the sombrero and attached it to a chopstick that I buried in the soil.

How culturally tolerant of me!

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The People Who Know the Most About Me

Mark Zuckerberg

Jeff Bezos

My parents

Jack Dorsey

My sister

Evan Spiegel

Tim Cook

Sundar Pichai

Straw-Man

What’s the best way to open a straw?

Bang on the table. This is my favorite because it’s how I let out my aggression. However, there’s potential of Inadvertent Broken Straw (IBS)*.

*Not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (even though they’re both equally detrimental and inconvenient)

Grab from the middle and pull in opposite directions. Textbook form. Takes a lot of force. Strenuous workout.

Rip a loop around the top and remove both ends by hand. This is how the restaurants do it. This is the cleanest method if someone else is doing your straw-handling.

Rip a loop around the top and remove one end by hand and one end by mouth. Didn’t even know people did this psychopathic move. Apparently it’s used to avoid touching any part of the straw with your hands. Losers and betas use this method.

Rip the tip off, slide the paper down, and pull the plastic out. This method sounds the most sexual. Notable Users: Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Anthony Weiner, Matt Lauer, Louis CK, Morgan Freeman (too soon?)

Best Movie Montage Songs

Runaround Sue – Little Big League

You Make My Dreams – The Wedding Singer, eHarmony Commercial

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go – Zoolander

Come On Eileen – Tommy Boy

New York Groove – N/A, but I could imagine it being a great scene

I’m A Believer – Shrek

Walking On Sunshine – Herbie: Fully Loaded

Spirit in the Sky – Remember the Titans, Saving Grace

Have You Ever Seen The Rain – The Longest Yard

Sir Duke – N/A, but I’d also love to hear this as a movie montage song

Happy Together – every 80s movie

Yes, there will be a Spotify playlist for these songs. Follow me on Spotify. https://open.spotify.com/user/jcbelfer?si=cqZbwkcxSf2bHVvr8ItPkw

Talking with Davey

I could never be in the Navy.

I spill shit on my shirt all of the time and those white outfits just wouldn’t work for me.

I’m going to start sending Tide-To-Go pens to the Navy. There has to be a shortage.

G(r)o(w)ing Pains

The most demoralizing thing as a young boy is going into the women’s bathroom with your mom when your dad isn’t around to take you to the men’s room and you’re not old enough to go by yourself.

Kids these days will never know this feeling since genders don’t exist anymore.

Professional Golf Association: Rule 48.2.B

If a golfer tees off and the drive does not reach the women’s tee box, he must perform his next shot with his pants around his ankles.

As evident in the video above, I had to take two shots with my pants off.

Golf is fun!

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Ranking of Notifications I Get Most Excited About

1)  Venmo

2)  Seamless

3)  Twitter

4)  Hinge

5)  Snapchat

6)  WordPress

7)  Wag!

8)  Gmail

56,963,479)  LinkedIn

Adding to List of Insults

I got called a “little bitch” by a 7 year old before playing laser tag with him.

I was so shocked..

I haven’t been called little in so long!

Designer Dog Shoes

Why has no designer shoe company come out with designer dog shoes?

Imagine you and your dog walking down the street in matching Yeezy sneakers.

I’d even wear Sketchers if my dog liked them.

OMG Shoes

I like wearing unique shoes because they’re unique.

I don’t like wearing unique shoes because everyone knows it’s me who’s blowing up the bathroom at work.

Energy Conservation

Do you save or use more energy when you climb two stairs at a time as opposed to one at a time?

I often start with two stairs at a time. I get too tired from that, and then I switch to one stair at a time.

I often start with one stair at a time. I get too tired from that, and then I switch to two stairs at a time.

Need answers!

Puppy Love

Why do people frown when they see a cute puppy?

Completely counterintuitive.

Unsolved Mysteries

You’ll never guess which one is me.

Mwahaha!

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