Underneath My Shoes

I have REALLY nice feet.

No scars, very soft, nearly hairless, textbook shape, no veins.

They’re my best trait. But there are some bad things about having incredibly nice feet.

So I’m going to do a pro and con list of having nice feet.

Pros:

• Look nice
• Feel nice
• Taste nice

Cons:

• I have to take care of them
• The bottom of my feet are very soft and sensitive so I cannot walk on rough surfaces with bare feet
• Every time I have a foot laceration, it stands out

Draught or Bottle?

I always order a draught rather than a bottle.

Why, you might ask? Well, many reasons.

Some included: I like the taste better, I’d prefer to drink out of a cup/mug, it makes me feel classier.

However, I’ll never not be amazed by this:

There is the same amount of liquid in a bottle and a glass of beer.

I ALWAYS think that the glass is significantly more beer, and I am always shellshocked whenever I order a bottle and they pour it into a glass and the glass is filled to the brim.

I can’t be the only one who thinks this.

Just So You Know

I get the same questions over, and over, and over again. I’m just going to list out the answers of my most frequently asked questions:

• I shave my head twice a week.
• It takes about 15 minutes.
• Yes, I use shampoo.
• Yes, I use conditioner.
• Because it’s sterile and I like the taste.
• I like it when you put your finger there.
• Yes, I’ve tried to grow it back.
• No, it looks terrible
• Keep going baby, that turns me on.
• I use both soap and shampoo on my scalp.
• I use gel in my beard.
• Yes, keep doing that.

You’ve Got The Right Temperature

All this weather has got me in my feels.

Firstly, weather is the ultimate small-talk. This is a very cold take. However, every single session of small talk makes some mention of the weather. No one seems to mind. It’s more inclusive than sports, less invasive than talking about the spouse, quicker than asking about weekend plans.

So here are my thoughts about weather for your future small-talk endeavors.

Cold Showers

I really want to enjoy hot showers. I’ve spent my entire life trying to heat up my shower so it burns my skin and steams up the room. I’ve always wanted to enjoy the scalding water.

I have officially decided to retire from trying to make the water hotter and hotter.

I have accepted my fate as a man who enjoys a nice, warm shower.

Maybe even on the colder side.

Because that’s what I like, and have always liked.

If you cannot accept this, please don’t shower with me.

Hot or Cold?

I prefer being cold when I’m indoors.

I prefer being hot when I’m outdoors.

Best Temperature

The best temperature is when you don’t feel it.

Emoji Talk

You can always tell someone’s general disposition by looking at their most recently used emojis. I’ll list you some of mine and you’ll let me know if it’s accurate:

• 🙄
• 😏
• 😂
• 🤷🏼‍♂️
• 🧐

These describe me, right?

Dental Issues

I doubt anyone has ever had this problem. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

I had a small hair stuck in my back molars. A small beard hair. Sticking straight up.

I couldn’t quite grab it. It was too wedged in for my tongue to enact removal. It was tickling my tongue and gums.

In a heroic act, I pinched my fingernails together in the nether region of my mouth, plucked this pesky hair, and saved my mouth from persistent titillation.

Foooooooooooood

Eggs and turkey are fillers.

They both have very little taste. They are present to add girth and nutrition to any meal.

A sandwich with just pastrami is too flavorful and powerful. Turkey evens it out.

Have you ever had a breakfast sandwich with just bacon and cheese? It needs egg.

Turkey and eggs have very little flavor. But they complement foods that I desire impeccably well.

Vegetation

Every vegetable is hidden. I eat vegetables to take a break from the star of the meal (the protein).

I never seek out a vegetable. They have barely any taste. I only eat vegetables if they are a vehicle for a sauce/dip.

Don’t believe me?

Try eating vegetables without hummus, peanut butter, or ranch. Nor deep fried, stir fried, or pan fried.

Please do not hold me accountable for any self-inflicted injuries.

Vegetarians

Correlating with the above segment, I don’t understand vegetarians.

My mouth will never moisten for a veggie. I don’t know how anyone can salivate over one.

Scared Money Don’t Make No Money

Common insult: He’s scared of his own shadow.

No one is actually scared of their own shadow, right?

WRONG!

At 9:43 PM, on Tuesday, July 3rd, 2018, I was scared of my own shadow.

I was walking in New York City. I just passed the corner of 39th and 2nd.

I look down and to my left and there’s a massive shadow gaining speed over my shoulder. A hulking shadow. I startle and gasp.

For my readers who have never met me, I’m a pretty big guy.

It was my shadow. There was a light from a bodega that casted a sudden and unexpected shadow of me.

I, for the first time in the history of man, was scared of my own shadow.

Baby, You’re A Firework

Fireworks. Are. Overrated.

They’re the same thing every time. They’re not that impressive. When did we decide that we will use fireworks to celebrate holidays?

That being said, I love fireworks and I’ll watch them every single time they’re displayed.

Just please don’t snapchat the fireworks. Everyone is watching them. No one cares if you’re watching them. They’re not cool or impressive when watched on a 5.8 inch screen. Just enjoy them.

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

Is it bad to get aroused during the women’s competition?

Don’t Let Me Get In My Zone

Find someone more locked in than I am.

Maybe this guy?

Oh wait, that’s also me.

#ExpandTheBrand

Hygienics

I brush my teeth every morning and every night (unless I’m drunk or lazy). I would hypothesize that I brush my teeth 1.81 times a day.

It wastes so much time. I want to lie to you all and say I brush for 2 minutes – but I don’t.

I average 52.7 seconds.

That is completely made up, but a fairly accurate conjecture.

If my calculations are correct (please don’t fact-check me), I brush my teeth for 9.67 hours per year.

9.67 Hours

Here’s a list of things I can do in the 9.67 hours per year if I never brushed my teeth.

• Get a very good night’s sleep
• Watch almost the entire first season of Westworld
• Complete a full day at work
• Attend 12.89 spin cycle classes at my gym
• Learn fluent Portuguese
• Drive 773.6 miles on the highway
• Run a marathon

New Music

I wrote in my last blog “Mark Twain Jr.” that I do not like any new music that has come out since 2017.

Two people were upset by my sentiment and decided to take action: Brand Kraut and Aubrey Graham.

One of the above sent me a list of new music that I would like. The other put out a 25 song dual-album that absolutely BUMPS.

My new favorite songs are “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes and the entire “Scorpion” album by Drake.

Thank you to Adonis’ father for putting together such an iconic album.

Miami Ink

Do people think about how their tattoos will look in 50 years?

Most probably do.

However, some definitely don’t.

I saw a young lady with only one tattoo visible: an enormous dragon on her upper chest/lower neck.

That’s the tattoo I’d get if I knew I was going to die early.

Friend’s Girlfriends

I’m friends with all of my friend’s girlfriends. I know a lot of you read this blog.

Can one of you girls set me up with one of your friends?

If you don’t, I’m going to tell your boyfriend to break up with you.

Now who’s in control.

Worst Type of Fish?

Selfish.

You never know how selfish people are until you make a new Instagram page for your podcast and every single person takes the follow but doesn’t follow back.

People out here stealing follows.

Totally relatable.

Follow theatypicalaudiobook on Instagram.

Weekend Thoughts

Emoji-sized Bitmojis

I got called out for using this emoji: 🤷🏼‍♂️

What’s wrong with it? It has blonde hair. And I don’t.

Enough of this “We need red-hair emojis and bald emojis now! Equality!”

We just need to be able to integrate our Bitmojis into the emoji keyboard. Then everyone will stop the damn complaining.

Dog Food

Do dogs remember what they like to eat?

My dog still begs for shit that she doesn’t enjoy.

Sophie, if you’re reading this, stop begging for carrots. You don’t like them. You’ll bite it once, cover it in saliva, and leave it on the floor for me to clean up. It’s gross.

Watermelon Watermelon Watermelon

I had watermelon with seeds for the first time in my life last week.

Thank you to the agriculture gods for genetically modified foods.

SAUCE

If you don’t sop up the pasta sauce with bread after a meal, I don’t like you.

Chip Butty

This was a menu item in Thailand.

Still trying to figure out what it is. Inquire within if you have insider knowledge.

 

#ExpandTheBrand

Shut the Door

Ok, bare with me here.

You know how if you close a car door lightly, it does that weird kinda-closed thing where it makes a soft noise?

Of course you do.

Whenever this happens, I always reopen the door and slam it really hard to ensure closure.

However, I was in a taxi this past week. The driver half-closed the door. Instead of reopening the door, he just pulled the door tighter.

AND. IT. CLOSED.

Someone has to try this out and see if this works on all cars. Please let me know.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

I put a penny into a tip jar today because my purchase was $5.99.

A penny.

Please don’t thank me for this.

“Thank you” has been saturated. It has lost all meaning. Don’t thank me for anything unless it took significant effort by me or exuded significant value for you.

Licorice

This confuses me.

1. What is licorice? Is it a spice? Is it a vegetable? No one knows.
2. Why does Jagermeister taste like licorice?
3. Why are the tasty Twizzler’s called licorice? They taste nothing like licorice. They’re strawberry.
4. Why is it pronounced “lick-oh-rish?” What language of origin is this?

Girls Who Lift

I’ve been wondering this for years. I have so many thoughts on this:

Do girls want to be approached at the gym?

Here is why I think girls DO want to be approached:

• Leggings
• Seductive outfits
• Lululemon
• I sometimes see girls talking to guys at the gym
• They’re proud of the body they worked hard for and they want to talk about it
• They think guys look good while working out
• Guys at the gym have similar interests if they also go to the gym

Here is why I think girls DO NOT want to be approached:

• They feel uncomfortable if they are ogled
• They want to work out and then go home

I actually have no idea about this.

@Ladies, there’s a girl at the gym that I’ve been wanting to talk to. Should I go up to her? Or is this a lost cause?

No Music

I always thought I’d be up to date on music. I put significant effort into listening to new songs. I prided my playlists on being current. I thought this would continue throughout the rest of my existence.

There’s one problem.

I don’t like any of the new music that has come out. Kanye’s music sucked. Drake’s diss track sucked. Nas’ album sucked.

I’ve officially reached the end of “My Era” of music. I know exactly what music I’ll listen to on the radio when my kids are in the back seat.

RIP to “My Era” of Music: 1998-2017

Requirements to Date Me

• Laugh at my jokes
• Tell me when I need to shave my head
• Have patience with me when I have an exorbitant amount of energy first thing in the morning
• Listen to music from 1998-2017
• Read all my blog posts
• Dancing abilities

100 Calorie Packs

These were the shit when I was an overweight middle schooler.

Although the Oreo ones were bullshit. It was a tasteless chocolate hexagon with tasteless white powder on top.

Chips Ahoy made a pretty terrible rendition as well.

However, I still compare every dessert on a 100 calorie basis, solely because of this prepackaged nonsense.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

That’s what I’m trying to do here.

#ExpandTheBrand

First Bangkokian Thought

If you have hairy ears, shave them.

Second Bangkokian Thought

I got into a taxi to go meet up with some friends.

Fortunately, the driver spoke decent English and was very friendly.

We hit it off.

He gave me a tour of the area, showed me all these cool monuments, let me know where I should go out at night, etc.

Then he pointed out a young girl. And when I say young, I mean YOUNG.

He motioned to his breast region and gave it a quick squeeze and said, “no milk yet.”

I chuckled, nervously.

He reaches over to the back seat, grabs my leg, and questions, “you like that?”

*nervous chuckle*

Persistently, Mr. Taxi Driver says, “I can get you one girl that young to your hotel room tonight. You can make boom-boom,” as he pounds the palms of his hands together in a voracious manner. “Not too expensive either.”

Welcome to Bangkok.

Ping Pong Show

If you do not know what a ping pong show is, do yourself a favor (or disservice) and Google it.

I attended one of them.

Ok, maybe two.

I conducted an interview with one of the stars of the show.

Her name is Spin Serve.

JB: Now that we’ve had sex, it’s time to start the interview.

SS: Good, I love pillow talk. Can you pay me first, though?

JB: *hands over 2,500 baht*

JB: So tell me how you got started in this profession?

SS: My dad was a professional Ping-Pong player. He always needed someone to practice against. However, I was never good enough. He’d return my serve with ease and win every point. I was a competitor. I tried to develop a serve to beat him. I’d sit in my basement, firing these balls across the table, but none had the correct spin to get by him. Then I read an article about Ed Walsh, the Hall of Fame spit-ball pitcher for the Chicago White Sox. The movement on his spit-balls dipped and dived in unprecedented ways. So that’s how I got the idea. I also wasn’t good enough in school to do anything intelligent.

JB: Wow, you’re a true inspiration to women everywhere.

JB: I was especially impressed with your dexterity with bananas. Answer me this: do you still enjoy bananas?

SS: I actually do! I’m pretty effective at separating work and pleasure, if you catch my drift.

JB: You mentioned to me before that you were trilingual: Thai, English, and Chinese. During the show, you wrote words down in English on paper without using your hands. Have you tried writing in Chinese?

SS: There are so many intricacies in writing in Chinese. I gave it a shot. I really tried hard. I just don’t have that type of precision. But almost my entire audience can read English so I think I’d only need the skill if I moved to China.

JB: Last question. You popped a few balloons while shooting darts. What’s your high score in darts?

SS: I actually have two perfect nine-dart finishes. I have plaques in my changing room.

JB: Thank you for the interview. I really appreciate you giving me 15 minutes of your time since I only gave you 30 seconds of mine.

Collection of Random Thailand Thoughts

Ranch flavored snacks taste nothing like ranch dressing.

It makes me feel very masculine since I’m the tallest person here by at least a foot.

I keep seeing people wearing doctors’ masks in the street. Does anyone still get SARS? Remember how massive the SARS epidemic was?

I’d love to watch an elevator camera. Show me someone who hasn’t picked their nose in an empty elevator and I’ll show you a liar.

You know how distant you’ve got with a friend when your only text conversation consists of “Happy birthday dude!”

How does your body and brain decide which positions are comfortable? Certain positions are comfortable one night and then miserable the next night. How do you decide if a position is comfortable enough to sleep in?

Are humans waterproof?

Underrated benefit of being bald: when airplanes or restaurants give you a hot towel, I can rub off the top of my head. It feels very nice.

Also, I can lay down with my head resting in the sand without consequence.

Cleaning Crew

There is a woman in the bathroom cleaning at almost all times. It’s quite awkward.

At our first dinner in Bangkok, I released my bowels and clogged the toilet.

About 30 minutes later, I return to the scene of the crime to urinate. A cleaning woman was in the stall with a plunger and the door open. She was wearing a mask.

I made eye contact with her as I peed. I couldn’t help myself as I got struck with a pang of superiority.

Shark Tank

I’m going to go on Shark Tank. Here is my pitch for a new invention:

“This is my product. It is called Room-Temperature Spray-On Sunscreen.”

Mark Cuban collapses, as he has never heard such a good idea in his entire life.

I make billions.

Buddha

I’m not quite sure if this is true or not, but our tour guide at one of the temples told this tale of Buddha. I do not care enough to fact check it.

Buddha used to be a very handsome, in-shape man. Women would fawn over him. However, these women distracted him in his trek to achieve inner peace.

Buddha put on a lot of weight in order to become less attractive.

Because of this, he achieved inner peace and I attained a new pick-up line.

A Wider Perspective

Bangkok is one of the most chaotic places on this planet. There are cars and motorbikes and tuk-tuk’s whizzing around. People congest the sidewalks. It’s high pace. There’s nowhere to hide.

From a rooftop, everything changes. Traffic flows. The lights are soothing. Walking patterns are satisfying. Madness becomes serenity.

“Well, no shit JB. That’s a terrible observation.”

I’m not done yet.

That’s life.

Everything is so chaotic when you’re stuck in reality. Nothing is easy. Distractions are everywhere. Production is halted. You have no control of your surroundings.

Take a step back. Look at your life holistically. Everything slows down when you take a wider perspective.

Elephant facts

50% of elephants have 2 trunks.

50% of elephants are male.

50% of the dogs in elephant sanctuaries enjoy potatoes in green curry (sample size: 2).

If an elephant attempts to mount you, you should move.

Do not attempt to mount an elephant.

Asian elephants are smaller than African elephants.

Asian people are smaller than African people.

African people are smaller than Asian elephants.

Corn can pass through an elephant’s digestive system in two hours and come out whole (not sure if that’s a testament to an elephant or corn).

Origin Story

We met a guy at the hotel pool. He was a superhero. Here’s his scouting report:

Appearance: Long beard, high and tight haircut, aviators, incredibly muscular.

Profession: Teacher, Football and baseball coach at an elite boarding school in Tennessee.

Past: Flew in the Air Force for years.

Purpose of trip: Visiting Thailand, India, and Egypt in order to create a curriculum that is entertaining for his students.

Guests: His daughter. He made sure to let us know that she was 15.

Superpower: Combat.

Story: Monkeys surround the pool (dare I say, guerrilla warfare..?). One monkey attempts to break into his room. His daughter runs over to the door to close it. He jumps out of the pool. His daughter runs inside and brings out a bag of chips for the monkey. Monkey pounces at her, grabs the chips, and runs away. Captain America chases after the monkeys and gets in a stare down with two of them. They trade barbs – hissing and swiping at each other. He grabs the chips back from the monkey, the monkey scratches his leg. The monkeys retreat.

Parenting Moment: He turns around after the face-off. He stares at his daughter and yells, “Why would you give it food?!”

The Best Part: When asked why he ran after the monkeys, he claims, “Where I’m from, if someone takes something from you, you take it back.”

Ending: He grabs a bottle of scotch-whiskey from his room. He drinks it straight from the bottle.

In The Dark

Generations ago, people looked out at the water and wondered what the rest of the world is like. Maybe they didn’t even know there was a whole world out there.

We pity them because they were missing so much.

We look out at the night sky and wonder what the rest of outer space has to offer. We don’t even know if there’s another world out there.

However, once we’ve all served our collective purposes on this planet, children will be looking from outer space and see Earth in the distance, hanging out with some aliens. They will pity us because we didn’t know that we were missing so much.

Instagram Caption Contest

I took a lot of pictures during this vacation. I want to share them all with you, but no self-respecting man uploads pictures to Facebook anymore and double posting on Instagram is a cardinal sin.

I’m going to make my own Instagram feed here. It will include a caption and a picture below. Enjoy!

Looks like Buddha did some cardio.

This temple was built with Thai and Chinese influences. Or as we call in America – Asian Fusion.

What is this? A castle for cats?!

I call big spoon!

Good thing I’m wearing a hat because I haven’t shaved my head in a few days

I swiped right 😉

These guys love BangCock

I didn’t know Thai people loved Danny DeVito so much.

ATTENTION: You will be charged more if you are handicapped.

Man’s best friend.

“Thailand is so much more than just happy-ending massages”

I refuse to make intolerant jokes on here, but just look at the name of the WiFi network and have yourself a laugh.

“This tank top is too tight on me, right?”

I like mine with lettuce and tomato.

When bae whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

The King of the Jungle and The King of Cuddling.

You know what they say about long necks…

Having twins is the worst.

Stop touching me there.

Thanks for the tiger @MikeTyson

This elephant and I are not that different

Actually, we’re exactly the same.

#ExpandTheBrand

Passengers

The rising and falling actions of my flight from Newark to Zürich:

Drink two Sam Adams Boston Lagers

Drink two Jack Daniels on the rocks

Board the plane

Meet a wonderful woman next to me that I’m trying to impress.

She tells me that she’s from Mexico but moved to Dubai to advance her career in belly dancing. I am absolutely fawning.

She has sufficiently wooed me.

I have ambitious hopes of joining the Mile High Club.

I take my Ambien.

Ambitions of joining the Mile High Club have evaporated.

I pretend to know about movies that we scroll through so I seem cultured. I pick “The Greatest Showman.” She picks “Shrek.”

No, she’s not 6.

I told her she could lean on my shoulder if she falls asleep. Obviously didn’t work out for me.

While it’s great to sit next to an intriguing person, I’d still prefer to be sitting next to a dog.

Dinner comes and we cheers over a couple little bottles of wine.

She puts half-and-half creamer on her salad by mistake. I notice, but don’t correct her. My nose starts gushing blood. She finds this funny. I return the embarrassment and point out that she put coffee creamer on lettuce and ate the whole thing. We’re even.

However, my nose continues to bleed all over my dinner. Good thing it was pasta with red sauce.

Zac Efron just fell in love with some woman at the circus in the movie I’m watching.

We both get a second bottle of wine.

Nose still bleeding.

How am I still so wired after 6 drinks and an Ambien?

I’d sell stock in Swiss Airlines because they won’t have any napkins in their inventory once I leave this flight.

THE. BLOOD. HAS. CEASED.

Here’s the bottle of bloody tissues that has become famous on this flight from Newark to Zürich.

Two more sneezes. Still clean.

I Mustache You A Question

One person can make an individual mustache style cool. Anyone who imitates it is just subordinate.

For example:

Hulk Hogan had the handlebars. He owns that.

Hitler had the small mustache. He owns that.

Steve Harvey had the Steve Harvey. He owns that.

Fu Manchu had the long wispy mustache. He owns that.

Fucking losers had the mustache that curls up on the sides. They own that.

iPhone X Review

From a guy who knows nothing about technology.

It’s a little too big to truly be a one-handed phone.

I don’t like the gray dead space on the bottom.

I still don’t understand what the notch on top is for.

I will be using emojis and gifs less because the “switch keyboard” button is a little further than it was before.

I have trouble accessing the control center since you need to pull down exactly from the corner.

iCloud makes it so easy to change phones. The format of my apps on the homescreen stayed the same. Some apps even remained logged in.

I used Animojis once and it’s unreal. I’ll also never use it again.

There’s little vibrations with every motion. Stop doing that.

How does Bluetooth work on an airplane?

#ExpandTheBrand