Twooooo Minutes… DOS!

It’s a normal Monday night. Doing some Twitter surfing. The Yankee game on the tube.

In a span of 120 seconds, I did the below:

• Killed a mosquito against my face
• Went to the bathroom to clean my forehead
• Dropped my roommate’s wallet in the toilet

Yes, I consider this an eventful Monday night.

I’ve Become So Numb

I sleep in weird positions.

I woke up at 4 in the morning. I must have been in a pretzel.

My arm felt absolutely dead. I had to lift up my right arm with my left arm to move it.

I don’t wanna die.

Who Is America?

If you don’t watch this show… watch this show.

Wing King

Mango habanero wing sauce is beyond underrated.

Most wing shops don’t have it.

I doubt you’ve tried it before.

Go do yourself a favor.

I also have a few mango habanero wings left over in my fridge. First come, first serve.

Under My Umbrella

I’m an umbrella guy. For the following two reasons:

• I like keeping my pants and shoes dry when I’m walking.
• Rain jackets are too warm in the summer. I’m a sweater.

However, there is a fine art behind being an umbrella user. Here are my rules for umbrellas:

1. They cannot be too big. I’m talking obnoxiously big. Unless you’re on a golf course.
2. If you’re walking in a narrow walkway and passing someone who is also holding an umbrella, the taller person must lift theirs up, and the shorter person must lower theirs.
3. Be cognizant that you’re holding an umbrella.
4. Don’t turn too abruptly.
5. Don’t try to fit in narrow areas if you’re umbrella is at eye-level of other passerby’s.
6. Throw out your current umbrella. I saw an umbrella with a blue sky and pleasant clouds on the underneath part. Everyone must own this.

I Could Be Your Girlfriend

If/when I ever get a girlfriend, she must to allow me to continue using dating sites.

There’s just too much content available on them.

D-Odor-Ant

When someone sniffs their armpit, I immediately assume I smell bad.

Shitters

“You bet your sweet ass” is a fairly common idiom. I decided to use it for the first time. To a guy.

Upon further review, he was uncomfortable when I said it and I was uncomfortable saying it.

It’s a terrible idiom.

Back To School

I had my third writing class. Here is my third excerpt:

I’m a little late. I do this a lot. It’s just too difficult to not get caught up in the luscious chest hair that snags my eye after every shower. I mean, the glistening belongs on the armor of Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman. If only she was Hasidic, she’d be the wife for me.

“Ma, I’ll be there soon. Good things come to those who wait. And trust me, she’ll be getting something really good tonight.”

Two In The Pink

If anyone has a dealer for the pink amoxicillin drink I used to have when I was sick as a child, please slide in my DMs.

An Apple A Day

Who the fuck named apples? Here are some names:

• Red Delicious
• Golden Delicious
• Granny Smith
• Cripps Pink
• Breeze
• Cosmic Crisp
• Jazz
• Envy
• Juici
• Lady Alice
• Piñata
• Smitten
• Sweety
• SugarBee
• SweeTango

This could also be the lineup for a horse race.

Take Notes

Go to your note sheet on your iPhone. Look closely at the background. It’s textured like actual paper.

~whoa~

Straw Man

Starbucks made an announcement that they will be phasing out their plastic straws because they kill sea animals or something like that. Not sure how that works. But whatever.

All of a sudden, every stadium and city is now banning straws.

I thought straws were going to be phased out slowly so I could get used to it.

This is all happening WAY too quickly for me.

“Thanks Man”

I said “Thanks man” to someone the other day at the coffee shop.

However, the barista might have not been a man.

This said person gave me a weird look.

Keep your sneer.

Paternity

Saturday. July 28th, 2018. 10:45 AM

Random Dad: Hey son, is it too early for ice cream?

7-Year Old Son: Nope!

Random Dad: That’s correct!

This is the kind of dad I want to be. 

Paternity x2

This is a picture of JB and Hank.

Find yourself a Hank.

 

#ExpandTheBrand

 

 

The Password Is…

I’m not really sure how to explain this or why I think it’s funny…

But old people creating their first computer passwords was probably hilariously difficult.

Fuck You And Your Hampton House

I’m privileged. Not privileged enough to have ever attended the Hamptons. I’m trying to find my way to the Hamptons.

In addition to a GoFundMe page, I will be posting this resume online on why you should invite me to your Hamptons house.

Education

• I have $376,900 in lifetime proceeds from Jeopardy
• • Not including deductions for answers I’ve gotten incorrect. Also subject to accounting errors by me.
• 3.2 GPA from the University of Maryland (recovered from 2.6 GPA my freshman year)
• I have more blog followers than your other guests
• 49% fluent in Spanish according to Duolingo

Experience

• Fire Island – July 2018
• Margate – July 2017
• Point Pleasant – August 2016
• Hiatus – May 2013 to September 2015
• Long Beach Island – September 1994 to September 2012

Skills

• Proficient in cooking with grill, oven, skillet, sous vide, air fryer, Instant Pot, Crock Pot, hard boiled egg maker, panini press
• Excel at Microsoft Excel
• Actively “pretends” to clean so I look busy
• Always carries a bottle opener

Interests

• Impressing your parents – your mom is going to love me
• Spike Ball and Kan Jam
• Waking up early to take your dog for a walk

Ratings

• Uber – 4.66
• Lyft – 5
• Intercourse – 3.2
• Conversation – 4.1
• Tolerance – 1.1

Warnings

• I snore.
• I walk around naked sometimes.
• Not the prettiest sight with a shirt off.
• You’re going to need to shave my back before I go on the beach.
• I’ll forget to bring either toothpaste or a phone charger.
• You’re going to need to rub aloe on my back and shoulders. I will get burnt.

Writing Class Update

I just had my second Humor Writing class. I will now share an excerpt of what I wrote.

This is snippet from a first-person short story from the perspective of a homosexual man:

We land in Spain. We hop in an Uber with Sergio. The ride was 45 minutes to downtown Pamplona. Or it could have been an hour and a half. Or three hours. Maybe even 12. I don’t know. That’s what 2 Xanax and 4 mini bottles of cabernet will do to a 135-pound boy.

Jimmy didn’t take any drugs or drink at all during the flight. How am I marrying this guy? Even if he wouldn’t take me to Paris, the least he could do is take me to the Mile High Club.

Back to Sergio. He had a nice stubble beard, an eighth of an inch of hair buzzed closely on the sides and sublime 6 inch coif on top. Once again, how am I marrying Jimmy?

I’m getting really good at this “writing” thing.

Bathroom Talk

There’s a lot of gross things a man can do in a bathroom.

However, this one takes the urinal cake:

I saw someone walk out of the bathroom stall after presumably dropping a deuce. He walked out of the stall, sniffed his right hand, made a disgusted face, then washed his hands.

I’m still so glad he washed his hands.

Dollar Dollar Bill Y’all

Using a dollar bill to blow your nose sounds ludicrous. However, there are times when I’m in need of a full clearance, but there are no tissues handy.

At a time like this, I would pay a few bucks for a tissue.

I have no shame in saying that I have used a dollar bill to blow my nose. I promptly threw the soiled currency in the garbage afterwards.

Definitely not my worst use of a dollar.

Inappropriate Response

I’ve had the below conversation in my head over a thousand times. I laugh every time. I don’t have the balls to actually say it.

Girl: I’m going to meet up with a girlfriend.

Me: Oh, so you’re a lesbian

Bad and Boujee

I saw this license plate the other day outside of my office:

This person sucks.

#ExpandTheBrand

Whiteness

I’m pretty white. I did not know I was this white:

I walked into work on a Friday morning with a sprinkle of hangover. I decided to treat myself.

Bacon. Egg. Cheese. Salt. Pepper. Ketchup. On a roll.

I was plowing my way through the sandwich. I was on a roll.

After I inhaled the delicacy in under 30 seconds, I felt a tingling sensation on my tongue.

A spicy sensation.

Then I realized…

I thought the ketchup was spicy.

Yeah, I’m THAT white,

Kulture

I went to the Guggenheim Museum this weekend. Because I’m cultured (and it’s free Saturday evenings).

My takeaway obviously wasn’t about the art. It was about the naming of the art pieces.

For example, there was a painting of a bunch of colorful squares, titled, “Boy in Field.”

I know art is abstract and an experience and blah blah blah – but come on.

I’d like to name pieces of art. Here’s how I would name a few of the ones I saw.

Flounder Man

Woodstock (August 15, 1969)

Bald Jewish Man

Bald Jewish Man 2

The Only One

I threw my socks in the garbage. Not because they were dirty or had holes in them. I would never do such a thing.

I threw them out completely by accident.

I can’t be the only one who does this. I often throw trash in my laundry bin and clothes in my garbage. I catch myself all the time. Or do I?

I wonder if I’ve lost more socks to the laundry machine or to my garbage can.

James Franco

I had dinner with James Franco.

Well, I sat at the table next to him.

He always makes this face when he pours tea.

Classic James.

Food Critic

I want to be a food critic. Not the conventional food critic that eats at restaurants and writes reviews about them.

Here’s the exact scenario of what I want to do.

I was at Cava. If you don’t know what Cava is:

1. Fuck you.
2. It’s fast-casual Mediterranean food. Think Middle-Eastern Chipotle.

I was sitting right by the counter, enjoying my green-and-grain bowl with spicy lamb meatballs.

I eavesdropped on a pretty lady while ordering. She was very uncertain on what to get.

I would’ve loved to jump in, give unbiased and honest feedback based on her preferences, then make out with her.

Then I thought to myself: Cava should hire me to do that. Every restaurant should hire me to do that. I’m well informed of the menu, I understand flavor combinations, and I’m cute.

This might be my dumbest idea to date.

Birth Day, Week, Month, And Even Your Year

I’m not a big birthday person.

Yes, it’s a day where I can catch-up with long-lost friends, get a nice dinner, blackout with no regard, and apologize for underperforming during birthday sex.

I take that back. Maybe I am a big birthday person.

However, if you reason with someone by saying “it’s my birthday” and have any sense of seriousness, I don’t like you.

If you say, “it’s my birthday WEEK” and have any sense of seriousness, I hate you.

If you say, “it’s my birthday MONTH” and have any sense of seriousness, I abhor you.

All that said, it’s my birthday year. Let’s party.

Things That Feel Good That Shouldn’t Feel Good

Here’s a short list of things that feel good that shouldn’t feel good:

• Water from AC units dripping on you from the street
• A warm toilet seat from the person before you
• Laundry heat blowing at you from the exhaust of a building

Amazon Prime Day

Everyone says the Amazon algorithm is really good at predicting what you want to buy based on recent online behavior.

I’d say they’re doing a pretty good job.

Safe to say, the “Swissmar S8224 Double Headed Reamer” has been added to my cart.

#ExpandTheBrand

The Retail Industry

I have no experience in the retail industry. I am by no means an expert.

Given, I have my criticisms.

Why is returning something so complicated?

There has to be a simpler point-of-sale service that makes this process easier.

Flatulence

Is a revolving door a good or bad place to fart?

The Game of Life

I need to make some serious life decisions:

Do I like jaywalkers or not? 

I love them when I’m walking. I hate them when I’m driving.

Do I like bus lanes or not?

I love them when I’m on a bus. I hate them when I’m not on a bus.

Do I like mayo?

Sometimes? I have to make up my mind. It’s been 23 years.

Could I date a vegetarian?

Probably not. But hey, stranger things have happened.

I’ll Never Let Go, Jack

• Is it weird being the child of an actor and seeing them die in a movie?
• Does it diminish the pain when they actually die?
• If they die, does it hurt more to watch them die in a movie?

Blessings on Blessings on Blessings

Sneeze etiquette is REAL.

I have some rules behind saying “bless you” after someone sneezes.

1. Let’s keep religion out of this.
2. “Bless you” is warranted for the first two sneezes. After that, you’re on your own.
3. Don’t sneeze more than twice.
4. Put on hand sanitizer.
5. Apologize. Sneezing is annoying.

Go Cuck Yourself

If you’ve eaten with me, it’s likely you’ve experienced me rant about my biggest pet peeve.

My biggest pet peeve is when someone at my table sees food coming, says “here’s our food,” and it’s not our food.

You made me hungry. You made me salivate. You made me angry.

I’m a massive hypocrite. I did this to myself.

Well, similar.

I was eating a bowl of Mexican food from Dos Toros. By myself. Like a loser.

I went to craft the perfect first bite. A little steak. A little guac. A little pico de gallo.

I opened my mouth wide. I lifted my fork to greet my tongue. I prepped my tastebuds for an orgasm.

The ball dropped. Onto my right shoe. Happy New Years!

Disgusted in myself, I threw the entire bowl of food in the garbage bin. Fuck compost.

Three Questions

I posed three questions in my last blog post. I said I’d post the best responses. None were that good. Here’s the gist of what I received:

Do I have a big or small forehead? 

You’re all forehead.

Did I handle the situation correctly when the girl’s titty fell out of her shirt?

No. Just lift her shirt over the nip and walk away.

How do women “dap up”?

They scissor.

I think my friends are just assholes.

Theodor Geisel

I started a writing course. Humor writing.

Here’s an excerpt of a personal bio I wrote for class:

Only wears dark colors in fear of showing armpit sweat.

Struggled from weight issues when he was younger. Still struggles with weight issues.

Only uses two fingers to type on a laptop. Still his best two-fingered skill.

Deathly afraid of raccoons and commitment.

Wants to die in a plane crash.

Claims he’s straight yet he always asks Michelle at the happy ending massage parlor to go a little deeper. There’s nothing like a well-placed thumb.

Class is going well.

Fried Cactus

Here is my pet cactus when he was just a baby. His name is Roly.

He’s a big New York Rangers fan.

#ExpandTheBrand

Questions of the Day

I will post the best responses on my next blog post if they’re informative or make me laugh. I promise anonymity, if requested.

First Question of the Day

Do I have a big or small forehead? 

Second Question of the Day

Let’s set a scene.

I’m at Maguire’s Bayfront Restaurant and Bar in Fire Island, New York. A vaguely familiar woman walks up to me. She’s a bit too inebriated. She babbles on about how she knows me and we used to share a group of friends. I’m nodding and smiling.

About halfway through the litany, her right breast udderly (teehee) falls out of her low cut v-neck top.

I am entirely too distracted to listen to the rest of the conversation. I’m trying to figure out how to tell her that she has a rogue titty.

All things considered, I let the conversation finish, making as much eye contact as humanly possible (which isn’t much, given the circumstances), and walk away. I proceed to tell all of my friends and fall to the ground in hysterics.

What is the right way to handle this situation?

Third Question of the Day

Guys dap up for everything.

I want to describe “dapping up” to my readers in case they do not know what it is, but I fell short on knowledge. I have copy and pasted the below excerpt from Wikipedia:

“Dap is a friendly gesture of greeting, agreement, or solidarity between two people that has become popular in western cultures, particularly since the 1970s, originating from African American communities. Giving dap typically involves handshaking (often, by hooking thumbs), pound hugging, fist pounding, or chest- or fist bumping.”

Here are a few scenarios when I will dap someone up:

• Saying hello or goodbye
• They hit a cup in beer pong
• They make a funny joke
• I’m congratulating them on something
• They buy me a drink
• They just had sex
• If we’re watching a game on TV and something good happens to the team we’re both rooting for
• Pretty much anything

I don’t think I’ve ever seen two girls high-five or fist bump after any of the these listed circumstances.

How do women “dap up” in the above scenarios?

It’s Not Your Fault

My friend and I needed to get downtown to eat some grub. After much deliberation (per my recommendation), we settle on using Lyft rather than Uber.

I ordered a Lyft pick us up at 34th and Lexington.

However, the driver missed the turn onto 34th Street. And 33rd Street. Oh, and also 31st Street.

At this point, guilt started to build.

We were running late.

As the diminutive vehicle on the app’s map travelled south, I felt as if it was all my fault since I requested the ride.

This is not the first time I’ve experienced ride-sharing ride-shaming.

Soon after, I realize this is not my fault at all since I’m so far out of control in the situation.

Everything returns to normal.

Slippery

I slipped and fell in Penn Station.

It was probably hysterical – the station was packed (rush hour before a holiday weekend), I was carrying a heavy duffle bag over my shoulder, and I’m a funny looking dude.

Trifecta.

There was a wet spot on the floor amidst hundreds of people. My right foot plants in it. I slam into a full spread eagle position. My left knee buries into the floor. I end up on my rear with my bag flying to my right.

Embarrassed and ashamed, I stand up quickly, toss my bag over my shoulder, drop the brim of my hat over my eyes, and walk away in fuming anger.

Here are the thoughts that went through my head:

“Why didn’t someone clean up that puddle? Do your job maintenance people!”

“My knee is throbbing. Holy shit. Could I have broken something?”

“Great. This is the last thing I need before going on a drinking bender this weekend.”

“I need crutches.”

“I laugh at people all the time when they fall. I deserve this one.”

iSnore

I have been told that I snore.

When preparing to share a room/bed with someone, they often ask me how to get me to stop snoring in case the rumbles are unbearable.

This question should not be directed toward me, but to anyone else who has ever slumbered next to me.

I will be creating a group chat with everyone who has slept near me. This should be fun.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

I love traveling somewhere new.

However, I’ve realized before every trip I take, I have this same thought:

I’m so excited to get back into bed after this vacation.

I hope you can all relate to this.

Interior Design

This is a crude picture of the living room/dining room/kitchen of my apartment. It is one of the biggest shoeboxes I’ve ever seen.

If you have any suggestions on how to improve the feng shui of my humble abode, please let me know.

 

#ExpandTheBrand