Preggers

I’m sure pregnancy is tough. But I’m jealous of girls who can get pregnant. Here’s why:

Every guy works pretty hard to stay in shape. Inevitably, he will give up and get fat. Because that’s what men do.

However, I’m not quite obese yet, but I’d like to see what it was like to have the benefits of having a really big belly.

Pregnant women get a trial run at being a really fat guy.

See perks below:

• Crossing arms on belly
• Resting food on belly
• Balancing beer on belly
• Other people giving up seats for you on the subway
• Letting it hang out with no shame
• Eating whatever you crave
• Always warm in the winter

I must know nothing about the pains and struggles of childbirth if this is what I’m thinking about.

Let’s Do It Live

What do you wear to a concert?

• Do I wear a shirt of the artist(s) to show how much I support them?
• Do I wear a shirt of an artist(s) similar to show I am interested in the industry?
• Do I wear nice clothes to try and impress others who share a music taste with me?
• Do I wear a black t-shirt to prepare for when I spill beer all over myself?
• Do I wear a thin t-shirt so I can buy a shirt there to put over it and not get overheated?
• Do I wear nice shoes or dirty shoes that I don’t mind ruining?

Say Your Grace

I have two favorite traits of sunglasses:

1. Staring at unsuspecting people at the beach.
2. Wearing them indoors.

The first item of the list is self-explanatory. The second item is a bit more complicated.

It is NOT okay to wear sunglasses inside. It’s rude and you look like a douchebag,

HOWEVER.

You get a short grace period where you can pretend you forgot to take them off.

Here are a few grace periods:

• At WorkThe front door until the elevator.
• At A Fast-Casual RestaurantThe front door until you start ordering.
• At A Bar With An Outdoor AreaThe entire time.

Tiny Gentle Asians

There is an Instagram account called tinygentleasians

The account posts pictures of Asian babies and it’s adorable.

I forgot who told me about this account. Please let me know who it was so I can thank you properly.

Can I Touch Your Dog?

If I pass an attractive woman in the street, I will look at them.

Except for one scenario.

If an attractive woman is walking a cute dog, I will not ogle the human.

There’s a better chance of me being able to touch the dog than the attractive woman. I will proceed to look at the pup.

Should’ve Had A V8

If you taste something and it tastes like a fruit, you would call it fruity.

If you taste something and it tastes like a vegetable, would you call it…

.

.

.

Vegetably?

Quote On Quote

Chinese Proverb: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

If you’re considering starting something. If you’re considering making a change. If you’re considering doing something differently.

Just fucking do it already – there’s nothing to be afraid of. 

Alain de Botton: “Anyone who isn’t embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn’t learning enough.”

A year ago, I got blacked out drunk and threw up on the sidewalk in front of the club “The DL” and proceeded to blame the vomiting on having bad allergies.

I must not be learning enough because that’s not embarrassing.

Drop It Like It’s Hot

I hope the girl from the Sun Drop commercials is doing okay.

Halloweenie

My dog, Sophie, has already picked out her Halloween costume. She wants to know what you think of it:

She’s very proud of her selection.

#ExpandTheBrand

Wheels On The Bus

What types of transportation are allowed in a bike lane?

• Bicycle?
• Motorcycle?
• Scooter?
• Motor scooter?
• Unicycle?
• Wheelchair?
• Heely’s
• Hover board?

Domestic Partnerships

Nature Valley Bars and Dyson Vacuums should team up.

So. Many. Crumbs.

Pop Goes The Weasel

It should be illegal to eat popsicles in public.

First of all, it looks weird. I will Snapchat you doing it. I will also post you on my Snapchat if I see you eating a banana in public. Add my snapchat: JBelfer

Secondly, I get a secondhand brain freeze. It gives me the chills. I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets this.

I just got the chills thinking about someone biting into a popsicle.

Revolvers

A revolving door must be really tough for someone who has never seen one before.

They’re not easy sometimes.

I often walk into the door ahead of me or clip my heal with the door behind me.

Farting On Airplanes

Yes, I fart on airplanes. Here’s why:

Option 1: I hold in my gas and be uncomfortable for the entire flight.

Option 2: Everyone around me basks in an uncomfortable smell for 30 seconds.

I am going with Option 1. Yes, it is very selfish. No, I do not care.

What’s Your Fantasy?

The use of the word “fantasy” has changed so much over my lifetime.

Here are the below stages of “Fantasy.”

1. It was a made-up world where I let my imagination run wild.
2. It became a sexual term. Fulfilling all of my wildest thoughts in the bedroom.
3. I now associate it with fantasy football. Fantasy football leads me to drink beer, track stats, eat wings, and marinate in my filth on a couch for the entirety of Sunday.

It has actually come full circle. Numbers 1 and 3 are precisely synonymous.

Name Brand

I never listen when the waiter says their name. I completely tune it out. I wouldn’t even notice if they didn’t mention their name.

3×5 Inch Pictures

With the growing trend of sleek wallets, it’s amazing that people used to always carry pictures of their kids and grandkids in there.

Yay iPhones!

Corny

For all of you that listen to my podcast, The Atypical Audiobook, you would know that I have never eaten a corn dog.

This weekend, that has changed.

It was delicious.

Chi-raq

I was in Chicago this weekend. Shoutout Jordan Bernstein, Andrew Schwartz, Scott Flanzman, and Daniel Goldberg for showing me a good time in Boy’s Town.

Anyways, I took this picture. I’m proud of it.

Shot on iPhone X.

#ExpandTheBrand

A Bug’s Life

If a non-flying bug reaches anywhere above the second floor of a building, I let them live.

I don’t even like taking the stairs more than one flight. If the bug climbs to these heights, they deserve to be spared.

However, if it’s in my apartment, I’ll make them pay rent.

Songbird Of The Generation

I’ve been listening to more music so I’m going to talk about more music.

I’m going to talk about the song “Forever” by Drake.

You know, the song that goes:

Last name ever, first name greatest, like a sprained ankle boy I ain’t nothing to play with.

That didn’t just have Drake. Eminem was also on that song. Oh, and so was Kanye. Excuse me, did I also mention Lil Wayne?

Drake. Eminem. Kanye. Lil Wayne.

These are four of the best rappers EVER.

This is like Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, John Lennon, and Billy Joel on the same song.

Can’t forget to mention, Lebron James is on the song’s cover art.

Greatness.

Honorable Mention

Swagger Like Us has T.I., Jay-Z, Kanye, and Lil Wayne.

Rate Yourself

Everyone showers. Everyone brushes their teeth. Everyone masturbates. I hope.

But how good are you at these things?

Do some self-reflecting. Rate yourself on the below things. Because only you really know your rating.

• Are you good at brushing your teeth?
• Are you good at showering?
• Are you good at sleeping?
• Are you good at masturbating?
• Are you good at washing your hands?

Thanks For The Memories

I guarantee that this quote will bring you back to childhood.

“You are the weakest link. Goodbye!”

Another quote?

“Smoking or non-smoking?”

Trapped In The Closet

Everyone keeps a few shirts in their closet juuuust in case they lose weight.

White Tank Top

A white tank-top undershirt. It has two names:

• Wife Beater
• Guinea Tee

One describes people who strike women, The other is a derogatory term toward Italians.

It’s time for a re-brand.

Sticky Icky

Did any actually use ‘Sticky Keys’? Does anyone know what it does? Is it still a feature on modern computers?

Brooooooklyn

I ate a slice of pizza. I ate said pizza in Brooklyn. This slice of pizza is how I’d define Brooklyn.

Pizza on pizza for pizza’s sake.

 

#ExpandTheBrand

Pahk My Cahh At Hahvad Yahd

I spent the past weekend in Boston. Shoutout Alex Ozdamar, Jesse Ozdamar, and Adam Sawyer for the hospitality. Good company.

Instead of exploring the history of Boston or drinking around the city, we ate. Boy, did we eat. Feel free to skim the next section of the food we ate in a 24 hour span.

11 AM: Gourmet dumpling house

• Two orders steamed dumplings
• One order of fried dumplings
• Two orders of soup dumplings
• One order of bao
• Salt and pepper fried pork
• Beef with onions and peppers
• Spicy beef
• Seafood chow mein
• Three bakery desserts from next door

3 PM: James Hook

• Lobster roll
• Clam chowder

4 PM: Faneuil Hall

• Samples on samples on samples

5 PM: Boston Public Market

• Sea salt doughnut
• Apple cider doughnut
• Blueberries

5:30 PM: Monica’s

• Focaccia pizza samples

6 PM: Mike’s Pastries

• Original Cannoli
• Espresso Cannoli

6:30 PM: Thinking Cup

• Iced coffee

11 PM: Coppersmith

• An entire cup of beer

1 AM: Dumpling Cafe

• Two orders fried dumplings
• One order of steamed
• Two orders of soup dumplings
• Garlic chicken
• Pork fried rice
• Pork belly
• Salt and pepper fried pork

11 AM: Friendly Toast

• Crab cake Benedict on potato skins
• Pancakes with peanut butter chocolate whipped cream banana (for the table)
• French toast (for the table)

*This is not including sausage and hot dog from the game the night before and charcuterie board from Eataly after the game.

Michael Phelps ate less than this when he was Olympic training. Gonna need one of my readers to do a pro bono calorie count on this.

Calm Down Sparky

I learned a new digestive concept this weekend:

Drink as much sparkling soda as possible so you can digest faster. 

I now have a new obsession with sparkling soda. Please feel free to send me brand recommendations.

Taken Out Of Context

Upon further review of song lyrics, some verses are very odd when taken out of context.

I don’t drink champagne. It makes my stomach hurt.

• Nothing is cooler than stomach indigestion. Lil Wayne agrees.

This is not a love song. This a fuck a stripper on a mink rug song.

• I have a playlist for this exact scenario. Thanks Drake for another addition!

I’ll admit I fell in love with Kim around the same time she fell in love with him. That’s cool baby girl do your thing. Lucky I ain’t have Jay drop him from the team.

• Kanye probably regrets this line. Saying that he fell in love with Kim K. when she started dating Kris Humphries? Very insecure of Kanye. Side note: people forget Kris Humphries averaged a double-double for two straight seasons with the Nets.

I used to treat my mattress like an ATM.

• This makes sense. 2Chainz used to stash his money under his mattress.

Stroke my cactus.

• Hey Travis Scott! I also have a cactus!

Come on ma, you know I got a wife. And even though that pussy tight I’m not gon’ jeopardize my life.

• DMX raps about how he sleeps with this woman. However, he will not date her because he does not want to jeopardize his marriage. Hmph.

Rob the jewelry store and tell them make me a grill.

• Nelly says he is going to rob a jewelry store and then tell that same store to make him a grill? Do you think he waited in the lobby for them to make it? Or did he show up, point guns at them, tell them to make a grill, then come back at a later date to retrieve it?

Run shit like diarrhea.

• Technically, diarrhea is just “running shit.” This plays. Good job 2Chainz.

Planet Fitness

I hate to be mean, but…

There was an old, portly man in the locker room. His gray tank top was drenched in sweat. That was the only thing he was wearing. I saw his geriatric butt.

He tried to take his tank top off prior to his shower. However, he couldn’t take it off because he was too aged, fat, and sticky.

There was no way I was going to help him either. I don’t want to touch his booty, nor do I want his body juice on my hands.

Does the “No Judgment Zone” rule extend to the locker room?

Just An Accent

No one in Boston has a Boston accent.

In addition, no one in New York has a New York accent.

This may just be my naïveté, but I feel like every other “accent city” I visit, the accent is omnipresent.

Mottos (<–funny looking word)

I do not have cable in my apartment. I have an Amazon Fire Stick. It uses wifi to stream everything.

When the wifi (frequently) spazzes out, the error says, “Connected with problems.”

This is an awesomely vague phrase. It will also be the title for my upcoming autobiography.

King James

As if Lebron beating up on the Celtics for the last decade wasn’t enough, I had to honor The King in front of Boston’s most historic landmark.

Lebron + JB = 1

Boston = 0

#ExpandTheBrand

Ode to Grain

Dear Nutrigrain Bars,

Your box – so slim. Not too firm. Not too flimsy.

I displace the individually wrapped slab out of its abode.

I select the side I want to peak at. I grip onto opposing ends and tear you apart.

I get my first glimpse of a tan stick with an apple-cinnamon slit.

You’re looking like a snack.

I rest my tongue on your bottom side. Your topside gets the brunt of my teeth. A gentle nibble does the job. I bust right through you.

I masticate.

I swallow.

I look down at you and smile.

Then I go in for round two.

Love,

BlocBoy JB

Poppin’ Hammies

There’s sprinting. And then there’s in-game sprinting.

If I’m not chasing after someone (nor someone chasing after me), I can never hit full speed. It’s tough to hit 10 MPH without motivation.

I was playing softball. I tried to beat out a double-play ball. I hit my sprinting climax.

I have never popped a hamstring before. Until this moment.

Then they turned a double-play on me.

Probably the second worst moment of my life. Closely following the time I got stung by a bee and water went down the wrong pipe simultaneously.

I’m A Flirt

If a girl in a skimpy outfit in the gym walks right in front of me and starts doing workouts that show off her butt, is that a form of flirting?

Need someone to mansplain this to me

Animals For Hire

If animals had human careers, here is what they would do:

• Octopus – Masseuse
• Pomeranian – Long Island Mother
• Penguin – Waiter (already wearing tuxedos)
• Sharks – Venture Capitalists
• Pussy Cats – Escorts
• Electric eel – Vibrator

Purpose of Underwear

Capture ball sweat.

Hold my phone so I can watch stuff while I poop.

Brooklyn Dive Bar

I went to a dive bar in Brooklyn.

Never have I looked more in place but felt out of place at the same time.

Train (Not The Band)

There is an art to falling asleep on a train.

It takes a while to get comfortable and tired to fall asleep.

However, the longer it takes to fall asleep, the anxiety builds because you’re afraid to sleep through your stop.

I always end up trying to sleep for the first few hours, failing, then trying to stay awake or the last few hours because I don’t want to pass out.

Also, I’ve been farting this entire train ride. If you’re on Amtrak Train 86 from NYC to Boston in the front car, I sincerely apologize.

Subway Stalking

I wrote a short story for my writing class describing some dude I saw on the subway. Please read below:

Doesn’t like vegetables. Not Fat.

Good with children. Not animals.

Terrible eyesight. Not wearing glasses. Should be.

What an odd stench emanating from this creature of the D Train. Is he going to perform for us? Is he going to beg for money? Where else could this guy be going?

He’s clearly not homeless. His wavy blonde hair is a bit too kempt for a homeless person. He’s with a pretty woman. She’s seems significantly older than him. The woman loves athleisure. She looks like she just stepped out of a Lululemon advertisement. Definitely belongs to Equinox.

I wonder what their relationship is like. Mother/son is my best guess. Although people are into weird shit nowadays so who am I to judge?

Back to the dude. Who the fuck where’s a scarf? And a fur coat?!?!? It’s summer. Might as well have a hot coffee and roast in a sauna too.

I’ve made eye contact six times. How many times until we make it uncomfortable. He blatantly knows I’m staring at him. I wonder what he thinks of me. I’m way taller than him but that doesn’t seem to faze him. He keeps looking at my hands. I mean, I do have very soft hands. But there’s no way he can sense that.

Whenever he looks at me, he starts panting. We’ve been on the subway for 20 minutes now. How is he still out of breath? He doesn’t seem out of shape. Looks like a runner. He had a very easy gait as we walked on the subway.

I make extended eye contact again. This is getting weird. He’s walking over to me. The woman is coming with him.

He makes a snarling noise at me. Then he smiles.

It’s at this moment that I recall how much I love golden retrievers.

His name is Murphy.

Suite Life

Here are a few things I’ve learned as I’m coming up on a year in an apartment.

• Dust develops quickly.
• Dishes won’t get cleaned in the dishwasher unless they’re rinsed first.
• Doing laundry sucks (so I pay for a laundry service).
• Pizza can be eaten for every meal (I’ve known this forever but it’s been reiterated).
• Toilet bowls have to be cleaned.
• Cleaning a duvet cover is impossible.
• Hair is everywhere (except my head).

Cover Photo

My roommate and I are shockingly still doing our podcast. We needed a new cover photo so we can upload it to Apple Music. I think we’ve decided on this one:

Let us know what you think.

#ExpandTheBrand