Resizing

As a Jewish man, I was circumcised as a young boy.

However, I could use a few more inches down there.

Is there a way to get circum-resized?

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Is there anything more overhyped and less satisfying than an eclipse?

Lunar and solar.

Every few months, media will trend and say “this eclipse will only happen every 632 years. whoaaaaa.”

632 years later, it will still suck.

Don’t Crack

Insult: You’re the type of person who would have a cracked iPhone screen.

Like Me Long Time

What is the most unanimously “liked” thing on the planet?

Money: I feel like I once learned a story about Gandhi giving away all of his money to find inner peace. I’m going to roll with that story.

Sex: I feel like I once learned that some people are asexual. I can’t understand this, but I guess it’s true.

Food: I feel like I once learned that people don’t like food. While I can’t relate, nor understand, I’ll take this is a fact.

Official Power Rankings:

1. Food
2. Sex
3. Money

A Different Power Ranking

I went on a pizza crawl in New Haven this weekend, since it’s known as having the best pizza in the country.

Here are the official Power Rankings:

1. Frank Pepe’s – The white clam pizza is next level. A must-try for any pizza and seafood enthusiast. Add bacon for some extra pizzazz. Roasted red peppers are fired in the brick oven and they’re next level. 8.8/10.
2. Modern Apizza – Italian Bomb pizza was overwhelming, but the flavor blast was nearly incomprehensible. This pie is more Italian than Tony Soprano saying “gabagool.” 8.1/10.
3. Sally’s Apizza – Marinara slice was an artery-blocker. Pairs well with Tums. Guaranteed to stain your shirt. 7.5/10.
4. BAR – Specialty was mashed potato and bacon pizza. Tasted exactly how you’d expect mashed potato and bacon on pizza to taste. 5.1/10.

Turtle Club

According to some fashionistas I know, turtlenecks are in.

According to me, turtlenecks are not in.

You just have a hickey.

Filler Up

I’ve always been a turkey hater. It’s a filler meat. It offers NOTHING.

I put turkey on my avocado toast the other morning. It somehow made everything worse.

I texted a friend saying, “Yo fuck turkey.”

Due to my lack of punctuation, I now have a new favorite nickname.

Sonic

I have an obsession. An obsession with hedgehogs.

Over the weekend, my second favorite hedgehog on Instagram died. RIP hedgehog_azuki.

Anyone have any good recommendations for new hedgehog accounts? Inquire within.

Pill Poppin’

I swallowed a pill. I also swallowed a lot of air.

Now I cannot stop burping.

Reclination

Does anyone actually lock their chair from reclining? Why would anyone take that option away from their comfortability?

-Noah Ganz

Nothing Was Happening

If you say to your roommate, “Oh, I didn’t know you were home,” you were blatantly doing something embarrassing.

-Frannie Bromley

I Like Big Butts

I fixed a washing machine this weekend.

Or did I? 😉

 

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New York Basketball Team

Knickerbocker sounds like a racist term.

Talking Shit: Halitosis

Sometimes my breath smells bad.

Sorry to anyone I’ve talked within a six inch proximity and/or kissed.

Here’s are my inventions on my mission to combatting this bad breath.

1. A shampoo that’s also mouth wash.
2. A drink that makes your breath smell good.
3. A dental dam for your face, but also looks trendy.

Bird Shit

I’ve never been shit on by a bird.

I must be pretty unlucky.

Shit Of Bird

I’ve never been pooped on by a bird.

I’ve been pooped on by a human so that’s basically the same thing.

Pot Luck

Being a marijuana tester is a very tough job.

Because in order to do the job, you have to be high.

Doing anything while high is nearly impossible.

Ambidexterity

I thought it was a myth that you can’t use scissors with your left hand.

I thought it was just classic left-ist media overreacting to something miniscule.

Facial

Having a mustache is very convenient when you get a bloody nose.

It’s basically a dam.

They Say I’m A Dreamer

I don’t dream at night. Maybe once every three months.

I feel left out, in a sense.

I’m missing out on about eight hours of content every single day.

Nine hours if I’m ill-rested.

Animal Testing

Do dogs have learning abilities?

Can my dog have ADHD or OCD or herpes?

Burning A Hole

Does anyone else apologize to their wallet after a big purchase?

Me neither.

Alexandra

My Amazon Alexa is my smartest and nicest friend.

Sorry to all my friends.

Food-E

For those of you that know me personally, you know how much I adore food.

I’ve been dieting recently.

There was a consequence of this that I was not expecting.

I had to unfollow all of the food accounts I follow on Instagram to avoid falling into a deep depression.

Shawty Fire Burning

Fire alarms don’t help.

It’s been years since I reacted urgently to a fire alarm going off.

Except for that one time in a crowded movie theater…

Greg The Leg

I wish there was a pant option for men that’s akin to leggings for women.

Leggings are incredibly versatile. I feel like it’s a secret amongst women that they don’t tell us how much of a cheat code they are.

They can be dressed up or down. To yoga or a board meeting.

Leggings for men – coming soon.

*Credit to Noah Ganz for the topic.

Drop The Michael

I like karaoke.

Could you tell?

 

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Robert Sylvester Kelly

My go to karaoke song is a famed duet. The song is “Same Girl” by R. Kelly and Usher.

With R. Kelly’s (deserved) fall from grace, do I need to choose a new karaoke song.

I love the song, but I really don’t want to support a guy who banged children.

I’m torn on this.

I think I’m going to keep performing it.

Make Nametags Great Again

We need to make nametags cool. Imagine going to a bar and someone just has their name on their shirt so you’d never feel guilty about forgetting?

Everyone says their worst trait is not listening to the other person’s name when they’re introduced.

Girls sometimes wear a necklace with their name on it. But we need like a BIIIIIG necklace with your name on it.

Someone should buy me a massive chain with “BlogBoy JB” on it for Valentine’s Day.

Marathon Training

I’m training for a marathon.

Well, not really.

But I heard that marathon runners pee in their pants mid-race.

So I peed on the treadmill at my gym.

I think I’m ready for 26.2.

Let’s Get This Bread

I’ve always been told to eat bread before drinking to soak up all of the alcohol.

I was enlightened to find out that this makes absolutely no sense.

Bread is not some magic sponge that absorbs everything. It disintegrates in your stomach pretty rapidly.

I blindly believed the bread just stayed dry in my stomach until alcohol poured in and soaked into the bread.

Puedo Ir Al Bano?

I did a lot of thinking in the bathroom this weekend.

Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. Having buttons instead of a zipper on jeans is really stupid. It’s just more complicated and I don’t believe any guy has ever zippered his unit before.
2. Is “breaking the seal” scientific at all? I have an iron bladder. I never have to pee. But if I’m boozing and I urinate, I have to go every five minutes. Is there an actual reason. Would it be the same if I drank an unhealthy amount of water?
3. If there is a female that may use a bathroom after me, I will always put the seat down. However, if I put the seat down, they will assume I either sit when I pee or pee with the seat down. Both gross. If I put the cover down, they must think I tee’d off on the toilet. I’m just going to start peeing in the sink.
4. I’ll never flush a public toilet.
5. When I have my own company, I will always have nice toilet paper in the bathrooms. Employees will be happier and they wont need to spend as much time wiping/bleeding.
6. I saw a guy walk out of the bathroom stall and he washed his hands for a suspicious amount of time. I can only imagine what he was doing in there.

It’s Icy And It’s Hot

I’ve been using Icy Hot a lot recently because of back pain.

How come it never stings my hand when I apply it?

Gimpy

There’s a very thin line between walking with “swagger” and limping.

Nose Candy

My nose always runs when I eat.

Is this normal?

If this happens to you, please reach out and console me.

Remember When?

Remember when we had to slide to unlock an iPhone?

Ew.

An Other Of Significance

Has anyone ever met their significant other on the subway?

My guess is no.

But it’s certainly not going to stop me from hitting on every girl on the subway.

Fortunate

I have a guilty pleasure.

My favorite book series as a young lad was “A Series of Unfortunate Events” by Lemony Snicket.

Netflix has a show about this book series, starring Neil Patrick Harris. It’s not great, but it brings back such nostalgia.

If you read the book, you should definitely watch.

From My Readers

As I mentioned previously. I will be including a section of the blog for things people send me that make me laugh. Here are some submissions:

From: Dad

• When do people stop saying “Happy New Years?”
• Dental Hygienists should be topless. Everyone would go to the dentist.

From: Alex Spector

• Of all the home remedies, the unanimously known one is to put your phone in rice when it gets wet.

Roly Jr.

As many of you may have read in the news, my cactus, Roly, passed away peacefully. I’m not quite sure which day he died since I was out of the office from December 20th until January 2nd. So he died sometime in that 13 day span.

Per some trustworthy advice, I cut him in half and replanted the top portion.

Meet Roly Jr.

 

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Cinci-Fucking-Natti

I spent the weekend in Cincinnati. A special shoutout to the Ganz family for giving my family and me a place to stay and giving me blog topics.

Both of equal importance.

Mile High

While on an airplane, you share a special bond with the person next to you.

Here’s how:

1. You share an arm rest.
2. You eat next to each other.
3. You have sex in the bathroom together.
4. You look out on the horizon with them.
5. You spill your drink on them.
6. You don’t say a word to each other.

Paper Napkin

How do restaurants clean their cloth napkins?

Is there a washing machine on site that I’m not aware of?

Can I use this washing machine when I inevitably spill on my shirt?

Power Steering

Why are steering wheels on the left?

Doesn’t it make more sense for it to be in the middle?

If I could go back and change history, I’d tell Henry Ford to center that bitch.

Personal Hygiene

People always say don’t drop the soap, but that’s easier said than done.

Los Angeles Chargers

When will hotels start having phone chargers?

It’s just as necessary as soap and shampoo.

Other Hair Stuff

I stopped using separate shampoo and conditioner. They always run empty at different times and that bothered me.

Catch These Hands

If you’re walking around a museum, you need to walk with hands behind your back .

40 Days And 40 Nights

While in staying in Cincinnati, we took a drive down to an actual size replica of Noah’s Ark. There is a three-story creationist museum inside.

It’s an impressive structure.

Below is a list of things we learned in the museum:

1. Global warming is a natural way of the earth and nothing man has done contributed to it.
2. The Grand Canyon was formed by the flood. It’s evident because the erosion patterns.
3. People have always looked the same. We have not evolved, mentally nor physically, since the first man.
4. God sent Noah juvenile animals on the ark because they were easier to handle.
5. The Ice Age was proof of the flood happening. The excess water forced the world to freeze over.
6. Life span has decreased tenfold since Noah’s Ark era. In fact, Noah’s father lived until he was 996!
7. Noah was a good builder because Jesus was his descendent and was a carpenter.
8. We were all descended from 90 families.
9. Every language can be linked to the ancient language Babel. No one speaks or understands Babel, but it is proven that every modern language comes from it.

I feel enlightened

Virgin

What is “extra virgin olive oil”?

Is there a regular virgin olive oil?

Is there an olive oil that has a lot of sex?

Wonderbread

It’s commonplace to hear “That’s the best thing since sliced bread.”

But what’s the best thing before sliced bread?

My guess is the cotton gin or steam engine.

Al Gore

I know I should protect the environment and all that shit, but I’ll never choose the air hand dryer over paper towels.

Even if it’s the cool Dyson one.

Succulence

I know all of my readers are heavily invested in my cactus.

With heaviness in my heart, I’d like to announce that my cactus has passed away.

You could say it cac-died.

Get it?!?!

 

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Do You Even Squat?

When I see someone squatting a lot of weight at the gym, my only thought is, “I wonder how easy it is for them to go up and down stairs.”

Chinese Jews

Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas.

I have been questioned as to why Jews do this.

No, it is not a religious thing.

No, it is not in the Bible.

No, we do not celebrate a secret holiday with the Chinese.

We eat it because it’s the only type of restaurant that is open on Christmas.

Blow Me

If you don’t look in the tissue after blowing your nose, I cannot trust you.

Everyone’s gotta take a little peek.

Magic Subway Ride

If you close your eyes and try really hard, the subway feels and sounds exactly like a roller coaster.

Woody

A few months ago, I went to Thailand. While there, I bought a wooden penis statuette for one of my friends.

My friend just went to Bali, and he bought me a wooden penis bottle opener (thanks Ben!).

When will buying penis objects for my friends not be funny?

Hey Alexa

In my lavish, spacious, NYC shoe box, I have an Amazon Alexa in my bedroom. She controls my lights and tells me the weather. And not much more.

However, I spent the weekend back at home in New Jersey. In my bedroom. There is no Amazon Alexa.

On three separate occasions, I asked Alexa to turn off my lights. On a separate occasion, I asked her for the weather.

All four times, she wasn’t present. There was certainly an adjustment period.

Grapes In A Freezer

Did you know that people eat frozen grapes?

I’ve been eating refrigerator-temperature grapes my entire life.

Verdict:

They’re not as good when they’re frozen. You lose the hard casing and mushy inside.

They’re too cold for me.

Lashes, Lashes, We All Fall Down

I lead the league in getting eyelashes stuck in my eye.

I average about 2 a day.

My record is pulling five eyelashes from one eye in one fell swoop.

Foamy

It’s actually incredible how much better foamy soap is than liquid soap.

It covers the hand with minimal effort. Washing it off is a breeze.

I want to be a brand ambassador for foamy soap.

Public Bath House

Taking baths are fine.

Taking baths and putting pictures of yourself in the bath and posting them all over social media?

I have a few choice words for you.

Bottle Bitch

If you use your shirt/napkin to open your twist off beer bottle, you’re soft and should not be allowed to drink a beer for the rest of your life.

Trading Cards

Is my generation ever going to send holiday cards to each other?

Has social media replaced holiday cards for us Millennials?

What age do people start sending them?

How much do holiday cards cost?

How do I find out all of my friends’ addresses?

Here’s a picture of my holiday card:

Just DM me your address and I’ll send one over.

 

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