Rank-Man

That’s my new nickname.

As these have been crowd-favorites, I’m going to start off with a few lists:

Best MTV Shows

1. Jersey Shore
2. Rob & Big
3. Yo Momma
4. Next
5. Wild ‘n Out
6. Room Raiders
7. Viva La Bam
8. Pimp My Ride
9. The Hard Times of RJ Berger
10. A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila

Best Ways To Eat String Cheese

1. Peel it
2. Slide full stick down your throat
3. Lick it until it dissolves
4. One chomp and then peel it
5. Chomp the whole thing down

Meat Cleaver

There is a disgusting trend going on amongst women.

I’m going to shed some light on this dark crevice.

When women post on social media, gloating about a new haircut or a fresh mani/pedi, they often expose their cleavage.

This post was never about your hair or your nails. This was merely an excuse to show off the twins.

In protest, every time I shave my head, I will posting it on social media with an outline of my dick present.

@Men, who’s with me?!?

Inside My Mind

Here’s a few quick-hitting thoughts that went through my mind recently:

• Everyone knows there’s a “front part” of a chicken finger.
• Safety pins are not THAT safe.
• I’m only good at putting a jacket on if I do the left arm first.
• A dog park is the happiest place on the planet.
• I want to be cool enough that I get a “plus-two” to weddings instead of a “plus-one.”
• Meatballs are an underrated topping on pizza.
• I had deviled eggs for the first time in my life. I enjoyed them mightily.
• I feel like body wash only got popular during my lifetime.
• I drink the soup out of a bowl. I don’t care if it’s impolite. It’s efficient.
• I prefer if the shower lever is left up.
• I’m more excited for the Filet-O-Fish commercial to be back than the actual Filet-O-Fish.

Corgi Man

I’m currently in the market for a new corgi-partner.

Here’s the job description:

• Send me snapchats of any corgi you see in public.
• Must prefer Pembroke Welsh Corgi to Cardigan Welsh Corgi.
• Tag me in corgi pictures/videos.

Actually, this goes for all of you. If you ever see a corgi in the wild or see a corgi post, please send to me. Immediately.

I will smile.

Spot My Dog

The only reason to use Facebook anymore is to read my blog and follow the Dogspotting page.

If you don’t know what Dogspotting is, go look it up and apply to enter the group.

Thank me later.

Children of the Corn

How do I ask someone about their children?

I panic every time.

• “Are they walking yet?”
• “What kind of noises do they make?”
• “Do you regret your decision yet?”
• “Can I be the godfather?”
• “Have you dropped it?”

Tuck My Napkin In My Shirt

While out to eat, I occasionally tuck the napkin into my shirt so I don’t spill on myself since I more frequently spill on my shirt rather than my lap.

Why doesn’t a restaurant just give you a full apron so you can get as messy as you want and not have to worry about spillage?

Oh, I Don’t Mind

When you go out to eat with a vegetarian, more than likely, they’ll say, “oh, feel free to eat meat. I really don’t mind!”

I think that’s a crock of shit. They definitely mind.

In The Face

If anyone has been searching for the best facial ever, look no further.

Don’t be shy.

 

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Stick It In Me

I want a meal that is exclusively served on sticks.

Appetizer: Asian beef on a stick

Entree: Corn dog

Side: Elote corn

Dessert: Cake pops

If anyone wants to prepare this meal for me, I’ll pay handsomely.

Give Me Five

I’m going to *stick* with the weekly tradition of me ranking things. Here are a few more rankings:

My Favorite Songs Ever

1. “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf
2. “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae
3. “Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker
4. “Sir Duke” by Stevie Wonder
5. “Piano Man” by Billy Joel

Best Old Computer/Phone Games

1. Doodle Jump
2. Bubble Trouble
3. Temple Run
4. Fancy Pants Adventure
5. Angry Birds

Best Asian Things

1. Asian massages
2. Asian pears
3. Asian beef on a stick
4. Fatty tuna sashimi
5. Asa Akira

Take Me Out To The Ball

It’s a trick amongst men to think about baseball statistics during intercourse to last longer.

Aaron Judge’s 2017 stat line turns me on in more ways than one.

Burt’s Bees

If you put on Chapstick in public, make sure you look around. Someone else will see you and remind themselves to put on Chapstick.

Feel free to call them out for being a copycat.

Sign Me Up

How many of your friends do you think have secretly signed up for a reality show?

I desperately want to know how many of my loser friends applied to be on The Bachelor (other than me).

Bad Vocals

If you ever want to hate a song, make it your morning alarm tone.

I’ll never understand who use a song they enjoy as their ringtone.

I still have nightmares about the Blackberry alarm sound and 3AM by O.A.R.

Indivisible

After a philosophical conversation between a few friends (hi Nick Taranto and Mike Kapnick), we determined that “The Pledge of Allegiance” is undeniably cult-like.

Diagnose the words. Visualize the setting.

Welcome to my cult.

I’m the odd mix of curious/lazy that I really want to know the origins of it, but don’t want to look it up.

S’Foreign

The most “foreign” thing someone can do in America is use the voice texting feature on their iPhone.

Bonus points if it’s on WhatsApp.

Unsafe At Night

I’ve always heard that people are scared to walk the streets of New York City at night.

I’m not that scared honestly. I think it’s scarier to walk in other places at night. New York is incredibly lit (no pun intended), but I assume it’s easier to tell a human to stop eating my arm over convincing a bear.

Then again, a crackhead may be a bit more violent and vicious than a bear.

Santa Baby

Make sure to book this Santa for your office’s Half-Christmas Party:

Full-service Santa.

 

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Not A Racist Comment

I was out to eat at J.G. Melon (2nd best burger in NYC), and I overheard a lady gauging the chocolate intrigue from another member at her table. This is how she phrased her question:

“Are you a chocolate person?”

Now, I’m not usually one to pick apart verbiage of others, but I feel like she has to try a different way to phrase that question.

Perhaps, “do you like chocolate?” Maybe even, “does chocolate tickle your fancy?”

On the other hand, I may start using that sentence form when I ask someone if they like something.

“Are you a Chinese person?”

“Are you a White Russian person?”

Miley

At some point in my life, I will buy a substantial plot of land in Montana. Large enough to be considered a town.

I will name this town, Hannah.

Hannah, Montana.

Denim Denim Denim

I wear jeans a lot. I can never decipher whether dark or light jeans are currently more fashionable. I feel like it changes every 6 months.

My instincts say that light jeans are in now.

I recently bought three pairs of dark jeans.

I’m going to continue to wear them until dark jeans are “in” again.

Chef D

What’s for lunch?

Once Told Me

I got called “buddy” the other day. Is “buddy” just a shortened version of “somebody?”

Dwyane Reid

I live directly across from a Duane Reade. I’m still too lazy to go to Duane Reade when I need something.

It’s not just you.

Express

I cannot stand when people say “expresso” when referring to espresso.

Where did that even come from?

Do people think it’s express because you only get a small shot of it rather than a full cup of drip coffee?

Break In Case

Thin wallets have been very trendy amongst men recently.

I’ve given it a lot of thought because I don’t like when my bulky wallet (humble brag) bulges through my pants. I want the other bulge to draw all the attention.

I’m nervous to switch to a thin wallet.

@ThinWalletGuys – where do you keep your Chick-fil-A gift card and emergency condom?

Fork Me

I’ve heard everyone’s complaints about washing spoons and having the water splooge everywhere.

I’ve gotten very skilled at washing spoons. If anyone needs some spoons washed, I’m your man.

Spiderman

While walking in the street the other day, a random crazy man turned to me and uttered the following phrase:

“With great beard comes great responsibility.”

For some reason, this really resonated to me.

I cannot wait to spread this guy’s message.

Even though he was probably on meth.

You Raise Me Up

In New York City, there are elevators that lead directly onto the sidewalk from the Subway.

It’s really weird and it took me years to realized how obscure it is.

Top 5 Top 5 Top 5

For those of you know know me well, you know that I rank everything, i.e. best sandwich I’ve had in New York, third favorite type of lettuce, least favorite smell, etc.

Per the advise of Sam Rubin, I’m going to make a few lists for you guys.

Top 3 Italian Restaurants in NYC

1. I Sodi
2. Lilia
3. Angeletto

Top 5 Favorite Drake Lyrics

1. I like my girls BBW. The type that want to suck you dry then eat some lunch with you.
2. Shout out to Asian girls, let the lights Dim Sum.
3. All my exes live in Texas like I’m George Strait.
4. I think I’m addicted to naked pictures.
5. She was sitting on that big butt, but I was still staring at them titties though.

Top 2 Favorite Dog Stores in NYC That I’ve Been To

1. Citipups Chelsea
2. American Kennels

Top 2 Least Favorite Dog Stores in NYC That I’ve Been To

1. American Kennels
2. Citipups Chelsea

Top 3 Things I Make In My Air Fryer

1. Sweet potato fries
2. Chicken wings
3. Canadian bacon

Top 1 Yankee Candle Scents

1. Pink Sands

Mardi Pardi

This weekend is Mardi Gras. Here’s a picture of Ben Susskind and I at Mardi Gras two years ago:

That’s my baby.

 

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Taco Dirty To Me

I was in bed with someone. We were doing dirty things.

During these dirty acts, I had some dirty, dirty thoughts.

Thoughts about Taco Bell.

I decided I was going to try and include Taco Bell into my dirty talk.

Here were a few of the options that went through my head:

• Take this beefy burrito.
• Let me finish in that chalupa.
• I’m going to turn you into a cinnamon delight.
• Crunch-wrap your hands around my neck.

After much deliberation, here’s what I decided to go with:

“Here comes the Baja Blast!”

Safe to say, I will not be canoodling with this person ever again.

A Few Thoughts

Here are a few random thoughts I had this week:

1. Pom-Poms on top of winter hats look so stupid. That said, I love Pom-Poms on my winter hats.
2. The Container Store is just an Americanized Russian Nesting Doll.
3. I have small-talk often with my headphones in. With music blaring. I trust my instincts to be able to say “I’m doing well, how are you?” while still having no idea what the other person said to me.
4. I like warm water more than cold water. Ice just gets in the way.
5. Why are all “nap blankets” so short? I can never cover my body and my feet simultaneously. Short people are lucky.
6. Who doesn’t have Amazon Prime this day in age?
7. Remember the TV show Wipeout? It was dope. I miss the big red balls.
8. Someone please make Crocs cool. They’re so comfortable.
9. Why is the opposite of “inside-out” called “right side out”? Why isn’t it called “outside out”?
10. A good burp after having heartburn may be the best feeling of all time.

Fun Stuff

Here’s a few things that will NEVER not be fun.

1. Peeling string cheese
2. Playing with the wax coating on Babybel cheese.
3. Peeling glue off of your hands.
4. Peeling the dead skin after sunburn.

West Of Minster

I recently attended the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden.

Firstly, I would like to be a judge. I would choose the Pembroke Welsh Corgi to win every single year. I don’t know anyone who would have a problem with this.

Secondly, I’d like to create my own dog show. Instead of well-trained adult dogs, it will just be poorly trained puppies. Who wouldn’t watch?

Millennialism

I caught myself saying the most millennial phrase of my entire life the other day.

I logged into my Netflix account on someone else’s television.

Here was my warning:

“Dude, please just don’t fuck up my algorithm.”

Follow-Ups

I mentioned a few things in my last post that I must follow-up with for my readers.

1. I said I was about to go eat Beef Wellington for dinner. In a shocking turn of bad events, the restaurant did not serve Beef Wellington on Sundays. It was a Sunday. If anyone wants to treat me to a Beef Wellington, I’d be honored to join you.
2. I promised I was going to eat chopped salad with a spoon. I haven’t eaten a chopped salad since the last post. Updates to come.
3. I mentioned how people have to stop calling boots with heels, “booties” because I don’t want discussions about footwear to turn me on. On the same note, some sickos call flip flops with the little thing in between the first and second toe, “thongs.” Please, please, please stop doing this. My non-fetish of feet is driving me bonkers.

Look Back At It

I don’t think I look that great from the back.

My hairline looks bad from the rear. I also have a pretty small butt.

However, I have reaaaally big calves. I try my hardest to flex them while wearing shorts.

Then again, I can’t see myself from the back. Does anyone have any thoughts on how I look from the back? Please feel free to check me out next time and give some honest feedback.

Aaron Judge

Here’s a picture of a future Westminster Dog Show judge:

Thumbs up for all the doggos.

 

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Hitting It First

Here are a few facts about Kim Kardashian:

1. She made a sex tape with Ray J.
2. She got married to Kanye West.
3. Ray J made a song about Kim marrying Kanye, titled “I Hit It First.”
4. RAY J MADE A SONG. ABOUT HAVING SEX. WITH KIM. FIRST.

WHY DO WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT MORE?!

Here are a few snippets from the song:

This has to be the craziest move in the history of craziness.

We the People cannot let anyone forget this.

I wish I hit it first.

Choreography

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot more difficult in Chinese.

Chop It Up

I enjoy a nice chopped salad.

Chopt. Just Salad. Sweetgreen. Joe’s American Bar & Grill in Short Hills Mall (RIP).

Anywhere.

However, my one complaint is that it is difficult to load up the fork because I can’t stab at the items in my bowl.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to eat a chopped salad with a spoon?

I’m going to test it out and post feedback. Stay tuned.

A Pair Of Jean

Here’s a pair of thoughts I have about jeans (pun intended):

1. Jeans shouldn’t have 13 buttons. Hey jeans, have a zipper.
2. When I sit down wearing jeans, there is always a fold in the crotch area that makes it looks like I have an erection. I’m going to name this sensation, “Faux-ner”.

Another Pant

I don’t know what the name is for it, but there’s a little flap over the zipper on all pants and shorts.

How come said flap always creases over to expose the zipper?

It looks like I perennially have my fly down.

*Credit to Alex Spector

How’s Your Food?

Whenever I get food at a restaurant, the waiter always says “enjoy your food.”

Why don’t cashiers at the supermarket tell me to “enjoy your food”?

Do they not want me to enjoy my food?

Paparazzi

While in public, I often change my grip on my phone so it doesn’t look like I’m sneakily taking a picture of someone, even if I’m not taking a picture.

The Worst A Man Can Get

Gillette really pisses me off.

Here’s why:

The front of the razor has 5 individual blades. On the backside, the is a singular “shaping” blade.

No one uses this part of the razor. Except me.

I use it to cut the skin behind by ear while I’m shaving my head.

It always results in a bloody massacre.

Puffy Pastry

I’ve never had beef wellington before. It sounds like everything I desire in life.

I just made a reservation for a restaurant that serves beef wellington.

Again, stay tuned.

Sneaky Dickens

If I were 4’9, had a bit of a potbelly, wore a reflector vest, rode a bike, and carried a bag of food with a receipt stapled to it everywhere I went, I could sneak into every single apartment building in New York City.

Delivery people are the least suspicious-looking people on the planet.

Miles Davis

I haven’t peed my pants in a while. Not since 2016. You could say I’m due.

I have had some close calls.

I had an interesting scenario on Friday morning.

While hungover in the shower, I was peeing (per usual). However, I had no idea I was peeing.

Had I been wearing pants, I would have done the deed.

Beans

You know you’re about to have a good cup of coffee if the smell of it makes you have to sprint to the bathroom.

All That Ass

Girls wear these boots with heels and they call them “Booties.”

Please change this.

Stop trying to turn me on by talking about your footwear.

Corn On My Cob

Here’s a picture of me enjoying Elote Corn from last summer. Thanks to Jeremy Steinman for sending this my way.

Yes, I did tell every kernel, “See you later!”

 

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