I thought I’d have a lot more time to write during the quarantine.

Well, I was half right.

I have so much time to write. But my inspirations are drawn from people I interact with and different experiences I have throughout my day.

Since it’s Groundhog’s Day, there’s only so much one can write about Punxsutawney Phil.

Six more weeks of quarantine.

Hanging My Hat On

Below is a list of things I have done successfully during this quarantine.

• Accumulated unwanted body hair
• Clogged the shower drain due to disposing of unwanted body hair
• Half-assed workouts
• Set screen time personal records
• Daily push-ups
• Told my dog she’s the cutest girl on the planet
• Avoided the shower
• Made the same cocktail over and over again (Bulleit bourbon on the rocks)
• Had dreams that could become bestselling murder-mysteries
• *drum riff*
• Told my dog she smells like a dog
• Slid into DMs of women way out of my league
• Handed my dirty laundry to my mom

Dropping My Hat On

Below is a list of things I realized I was bad at before the quarantine, and still have not improved upon.

• Washing my hands for more than 3.5 seconds
• Touching my face

Quotes That Are Lucky They Were Rapped

I introduced this section to the blog a long time ago. I received positive feedback. However, it’s a massive pain in the ass for me to write. But no better time than the present to curate.

Below is a list of quotes that are odd to say, unless they are spoken in a rap song:

Artist: The Dream

Song: Dope Bitch

Lyric: She only likes sports if she’s courtside

Commentary: While I similarly like to sit courtside, I can certainly enjoy a game sitting anywhere in the stadium. I do not want to date someone who will only go to sporting events with me if we spend $1,000+ per ticket. Let’s spend $150 per ticket and have reasonable seats and get a few extra beers. I understand if you want to date a girl who likes classy things, but she shouldn’t have to sit next to the court for her to enjoy her time. Plus, if she wants to sit courtside, chances are she banged at least one of the athletes. Sorry to break it to you, The Dream.

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Artist: 2 Chainz

Song: All Me

Lyric: My dick so hard it make the metal detector go off

Commentary: This seems awfully inconvenient every time 2 Chainz goes on an airplane.

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Artist: Young Jeezy

Song: I’m Goin’ In

Lyric: You ever bust ten nuts in a two-seater?

Commentary: Dude, just get a hotel room.

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Artist: Young Jeezy

Song: I’m Goin’ In

Lyric: She said “I can’t feel my legs”, I’m like “Bitch, me neither”

Commentary: If she can’t feel her legs, that’s typically something to brag about. Brag accordingly. However, Young Jeezy also says he can’t feel his legs? Is he also getting his back blown out?

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Artist: DaBaby

Song: Pop Star

Lyric: She right beside me and she sendin’ nudes

Commentary: Is this girl not faithful to DaBaby? Is he not upset about this? Is it noteworthy to gloat about your girl sending nudes to other people? I’d be very insecure if I was in his situation.

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Artist: Lil Wayne

Song: HYFR

Lyric: My nuts hang like ain’t no curfew

Commentary: If his genitals are hanging with no restriction, how far do they sag? This doesn’t sound like an attractive trait. He should probably get this checked out by a urologist.

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Artist: Nicki Minaj

Song: Only

Lyric: I don’t fuck with them chickens unless they last name is cutlet

Commentary: Is chicken cutlet the ONLY chicken she fucks with? Is she forgetting about chicken fried rice? Chicken Cacciatore? Chicken tikka masala? I’d love to have a chat with Nicki about poultry.

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A Randomized List

Here are a few other things non-Covid related over the past few weeks:

• I’m very bad at keeping a napkin on my lap while I eat
• You can tell a shirt is good quality if you put it on and you can tell if it’s backward or not
• Living at my parents’ house, I forgot what it was like to be called “Jonathan”

Yes, it’s a short list. Everything else that went through my mind has been infected with Coronavirus.

There Are Levels To This

Being famous could suck. I’m not famous (yet), so I have no basis for this. However, below are a few professions that are a good level of famous:

• Part-time judge on a cooking competition show
• College basketball coach ranked 20-25 in the country consistently
• Regional weatherman

I would go out of my way to buy them a beer at the bar, but I’m not asking for a picture or autograph.

Mo’ Money, Mo’ Chocolate

Trail mix is good.

The worst trail mixes don’t have enough M&Ms in them. The best trail mixes have a lot of M&Ms in them.

Take notes, Big Trail Mix Industry.

Lights On, No One’s Home

This was a picture of the last time I went out drinking before the pandemic hit NYC hard:

It is absolutely jarring that THIS is the feeling I’m craving most after our world returns to normal.

 

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Angel Hair Pasta

I’m very good at finding hair in my food. I’m a one-percenter at this.

On average, I find a strand in every other meal I have. Admittedly, most of the time, it’s my own beard hair.

BUT. Think about how many more hairs would be in food if humans had hair on their palms?

It could have been much hairier time.

Olive You

I enjoy having a pit in my olive. It’s a jamboree for my tongue.

I recently found out that a “pitted olive” does not have a pit. And that pisses me off.

Why is an olive without a pit called a “pitted olive?” What do you call an olive that does contain a pit?

Why is a grape with a seed called a “seeded grape?” What do you call a grape that doesn’t contain a seed?

Brekkie

Every weekday morning, I eat peanut butter (on a spoon) and a coffee for breakfast.

No one has ever said to me that my breath smells like peanut butter nor coffee in the morning.

Those are two very distinct breath smells.

I’m immune to both.

Big Pat

There’s a lot of things on this planet that I like the idea of more than I actually like.

You know what I’m talking about?

Like going to a freezing cold football game? Yoga while hungover? White wine?

There is one thing on the planet that is the exact opposite. Something that I like more than the idea of it…

Patty Melts.

Movie Snacc

Everyone has their own innovation of “best movie theater snack ever.”

“I throw Sour Patch in my popcorn!” “I throw Raisinets in my popcorn!” “I throw Licorice in my popcorn!”

They all suck. Every combination. It is no better than eating them separately.

The List

Here’s my list of thoughts for the past few weeks (it’s been a while):

• A shitty part about being bald is waterfall showers. I have to stare straight into the water to wash my beard. You’re welcome for the visual.
• I’ll admit that I enjoy closing drawers with my hip. You’re also welcome for that visual.
• I got dressed up in one of my favorite outfits to go to Trader Joe’s. New York has changed me.
• “Illinoisan” is a very difficult word.
• My favorite part of Lasik surgery is that I get to wear a pen behind my ear.
• “The National Anthem” is probably the song I’ve heard most in my entire life. However, I’ve never heard it on the radio, and I’ve never listened to it on my own.
• I didn’t know eggs go bad. I should have known, but I didn’t.
• Is “cash” always paper money? Can “cash” be coins?
• When playing football growing up, we used the term “Kicking or Sticking?” in reference to going for it on fourth down, or punting. This should be used more in professional commentary because of the profound effect it had on my childhood growing up.
• When I was younger, I always assumed the third song on the album is the best song. I still think I might be right. Is there any validity to this?
• Why are ‘offensive’ and ‘offensive’ pronounced differently?
• I don’t like it when coworkers look me up on LinkedIn. What’s your angle?
• Karaoke has to be easy enough to book because only drunk people book it.
• I’m curious what it feels like to kiss someone on the cheek that has a beard. Can someone describe it to me?

Frozen Grapes

They suck.

Assemble!

My favorite part of grade school was the assemblies.

After middle school, I never heard the word “assembly” used in that type of setting.

An enormous part of my childhood was taken away because someone wanted to mess with semantics.

A-to-Zinc

What do the white spots on fingernails actually mean?

Growing up, I’ve heard deficiencies of calcium, zinc, iron, and Vitamin A. I don’t know who to believe.

I could easily look this up, but ignorance is bliss.

Doggos

I went to the Westminster Dog Show. Below is all you need to see:

His name is Daniel.

Kobe Bean Bryant

He was an idol. He was a thought-process. He was a way of life. He was a mentality.

When he played, I wasn’t a Kobe fan. I was a Kobe hater. He was the villain.

But he made me feel. I could never look away from the screen when he was on. He had such a profound impact on me, and I’ve never even been in the same room as him before.

I will never stop saying “Kobe” every time I throw something away.

RIP KOBE

 

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We’re Live

How much would someone have to pay you to go on Instagram Live for a full five minutes?

I would take $50

• $25 one-time fee for logging on.
• $5 a minute.
• If you pay me $100, I’ll let you pick the topic I discuss.
• I accept Venmo.

All About The Paper

We are going to look back at paper straws in 15 years and be astonished at how dumb that idea was.

Making a straw out of a material to go in liquid. That dissolves in liquid.

I’m in support of the compostable plastic straws and metal straws (as long as someone else cleans it). But.. paper?! Really?!?!

Take My Pants Off

1. I need to stop taking my pants off at work before I get to the bathroom. I do this at home all the time, but that’s a habit that needs to stay at home.
2. Wearing a pair of pants for the first time is stressful because I always feel like I’m going to miss a belt loop.

My Mind

Here’s my bulleted list of nonsense:

• Where is the second most acceptable place to wear Mickey Mouse ears?
• We need pens that drop down from the air mask compartment on airplanes so I don’t have to bring a pen on international flights to fill out the customs forms.
• Halloween in NYC is tough because I don’t know if people are wearing a costume or typical NYC attire.
• I’m glad we don’t have to tip the ATM machine in the same way in which we tip a dealer at a casino.
• Panera needs to bring back the Chipotle Chicken Panini.
• I love headphones because I can blast “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child without being judged.
• The song with the best rhythm to do Excel functions is “Walk It Like I Talk It” by Migos.
• Buying perfume/cologne online without smelling it first is the biggest red flag possible.

Litterbug

1. Is it littering or donating if you throw money on the ground?
2. The most littered item (by ratio of littered:not littered) must be toothpick wrappers.

Common Sense

If you are getting dressed, and you are putting on black-face, TAKE IT OFF IMMEDIATELY.

The fact that I’ve never put on black-face (and never will), puts me in a good position to run for President of the United States.

Please Kick Me

Where is the cutoff on your leg where it is no longer considered a kick?

Here’s my quiz:

1. Someone hits you with their foot?
2. Someone hits you with their shin?
3. Someone hits you with their knee?
4. Someone hits you with their thigh?
5. Someone with a leg amputated just below the knee hits you with the end of their leg?
6. Someone with a leg amputated just above the knee hits you with the end of their leg?
7. Someone stomps on you with the bottom of their foot?

Answer Key:

1. Kick
2. Kick
3. No Kick
4. Kick
5. Kick
6. Kick
7. No Kick

How did you do?

Music Tele Vision

Below are my favorite music videos of the last three years:

2019:  BOP by DaBaby

2018: This Is America by Childish Gambino

2017: Pillow Talking by Lil Dicky (I’m aware the song came out in 2015, but the music video was 2017 so shut up)

This Is Colombia

I was in Cartagena, Colombia in October. Here’s a picture of my hard nipples and me from the trip.

I’ll be back in Colombia in December. Stay tuned for more nipple pictures.

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Getting Rich Quick

Here’s my new million-dollar idea:

Ketchup packets, but for chipotle mayo.

It’s clearly the best kind of sauce – but why stop there? Sriracha packets. Russian dressing packets. Chick-fil-A sauce packets.

Why are packets just limited to ketchup, mustard, relish, and mayo?

Taco Bell has the right idea by putting their sauces in packets.

It’s time to dominate the single-serve condiment industry.

Gaseous States

I need help from my readers on this one. Picture this:

You’re driving in the car with the windows down. At once, the air starts smelling bad. Do you…

A. Keep the windows open to air out the car?

B. Close the windows because it smells bad outside?

There are two schools of logic. I want to air out the car so putrid air leaves and fresh air consumes the vehicle. However, I feel like it’s smart to trap myself in the car’s aroma so I don’t have to smell the New Jersey air.

I usually keep the windows open so I don’t dutch oven myself, but I can see the argument made for Team Suffocation.

On The Rocks

I drink soda with ice. I drink soda with a straw.

Why can’t I drink beer with ice? Why can’t I drink beer with a straw?

Chewing Like A Cow

Here are some thoughts I had about gum this week:

1. With such a high demand for gum in grade school, I’m surprised more people don’t chew it.
2. I get kind of grossed out when I’m chewing gum in a bathroom.

Cranial Nonsense

This is the section where I post about things I wrote down in my note sheet over the past few weeks:

• AirPods are earrings for dudes who are too scared to get actual earrings.
• Kennels – but for children.
• Fig Newtons.
• They need to make reversible socks because I always put my socks on inside-out.
• I don’t understand “No Fee” ATM machines because there’s always a fee at the end of the transaction.
• I don’t like fruits in my salad (except for Craisins).

Meat Vegetables

Whenever anyone eats a veggie burger, they always respond with one of the below sentiments:

• It’s actually pretty good.
• It’s actually not that bad.

Beast Of Burden

I bought my first Supreme item.

Please welcome me to the Hype Beast squad.

Prost!

Here’s a picture of (kind of) my dog wearing Lederhosen:

Mlem.

 

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Transfixations

Who decided that nipple piercings have to be horizontal?

What if I wanted to have vertical piercings?

As of today, I will be rotating my own nipple piercings 90 degrees clockwise.

Pictures to come next post.

Apple of Pine

If you were to put a fruit other than pineapple on your pizza, what would it be?

I think pear is the best option. Like a pear and prosciutto pizza. Maybe some arugula on there. Some balsamic and fresh mozz. A drizzle of olive oil too.

I’m actually going to try this.

Stay tuned.

Excel-Sior

I wish I could use Excel functions in my life.

I’d like to Control+Find my lost AirPod.

I’d like to Alt+Tab right back to the supermarket because I forgot to buy milk.

I’d like to just sometimes Hide.

I crowdsourced for this. I asked my Excel experts (hey Frankie Schiffer). Here are a few of their ideas:

• Trace Dependents to find mutual friends
• Format Table in case you’re eating on the go and need a table
• Remove Duplicates to edit your shopping cart
• #REF to explain that a friend of yours is being an idiot
• Cut and Paste to move all streets around in NYC
• Freeze Panes for Vision
• YOU SHOULD MAKE THIS INTO A CHILDREN’S BOOK

Excel Book

I will be writing a children’s book by the title of “The Adventures of Excel-Sior.”

He is a superhero who can use Excel shortcuts in real life. I will need an illustrator and all of my readers to buy the book.

Thoughts of the Week-Ish

Everyone’s favorite tradition: reading random phrases I’ve written in my note sheet.

• I used to think brown rice was just white rice with soy sauce on it.
• I’m a thick bitch, I need tempo.
• I don’t know who needs to hear this, but please finish your pizza crust.
• When someone says “I don’t want to be mean, but…” it’s usually not mean enough.
• Is it more or less frowned upon to pee in an outdoor shower?
• I don’t trust anyone who drinks Red Bull consistently.
• I shouldn’t have to brush my teeth before going to the dentist.
• Is it possible to have a bar tab running for weeks at a time?
• I can dry swallow pills, but I can’t dry swallow gum.
• The best naps are when you’re trying not to nap.
• Why doesn’t tape stick to the back of tape when it’s on the roll?
• How do you know if a rear headlight is out?
• Is it still called a headlight if it’s on the rear?
• I like the word couch better than sofa.
• I like the word dinner better than supper.

Just Like A Tattoo

I pick at my face when I’m stressed. You can always tell what I’m stressed by how many scabs I have on my face.

I stop picking once I see a bad scab, and I don’t pick at it until this scar goes away.

I may just get a permanent scab tattooed on my forehead so I’ll always remember not to pick at it.

The Big Move

I moved to a new apartment. It’s a 3 bed, 2 bath duplex in the heart of West Village. No big deal.

However, the move went terribly. We moved into a disgusting apartment where nearly everything was broken and covered in dirt.

The worst part is that the upstairs shower does not drain. Here is a power ranking of the worst part about a shower that doesn’t drain:

1. I can’t pee in the shower without my feet soaking in the urine.
2. My body hair won’t drain. The tub looks like it used Rogaine.
3. I have to shower in under 2 minutes or I’ll drown.

Here are some other pictures of the apartment:

Everyone is welcome to come to the housewarming party.*

*As long as you bring cleaning supplies and a tool kit.

 

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