Author: BlogBoy JB

Well, it HAS been a while. But it’s like I’ve never left, right? But enough pleasantries. The return of BlogBoy JB starts…. now.

Life Updates

I live in Santa Monica, California. I no longer live in New York City, New York.

I had a cooking show on the app Rizzle that amassed over 50k followers. The app has now shut down. I no longer have a cooking show with 50k followers.

I’ve become quite fond of loud music in bathrooms. I don’t want to have a conversation in the bathroom. I do not want to hear Chernobyl pt. 2 happening in the stall next to me. I don’t need to get into a pissing contest (pun intended) on who has the stronger stream. Blast some Pee Diddy and let me focus on not splashing onto my white Nikes.

I have updated the way I order drinks at bars. My opening question to the bartender now is if they have large ice cubes/spheres. If they say yes, I order bourbon with a large rock. If they do not, I order it neat. After 28 years on this planet, I’ve finally had enough of small ice cubes watering down my beverages.

It’s been a long time since I cared about the rating of a movie e.g. PG, PG-13, R.

I learned the difference between i.e. and e.g.

The Fonz

Here is a definitive power ranking of the best nicknames for the name Alphonso:

1. Fonz
2. Zo
3. Fonzy
4. Al
5. Alfie

The Opposition

Hot and cold. Up and down. Right and left. Sushi and string cheese.

Yes, sushi and string cheese are exact opposites.

Sushi is a finite number of bites. String cheese? INFINITE.

I will not be expanding any further on this topic.

Some Other String Cheese Thoughts

Is there a world record for most pulls of a string cheese?

Are there any other foods that it’s encouraged to take as many bites of the item as you humanly can? We promote eating contests of quantity of food, spiciness of food, and speed in which it can be consumed. I think the next eating contest should test the number of bites one can take from one item.

*Insert gif of Squidward taking tiny bite out of Krabby Patty*

Since I’ve Left New York…

While walking in NYC, I hate bikers and drivers.

While driving in NYC, I hate walkers and bikers.

While biking in NYC, I hate drivers and walkers.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so angry all the time.

One other NYC note:

NYC streets (not avenues) are typically one lane. However, you can go four cars-wide out of necessity. Most other cities don’t have that luxury.

Vibrato

My generation loves vibration:

• iPhones
• Video game controllers
• Electric toothbrushes
• *Other vibrating devices*
• Theragun

THE THOUGHTS SECTION

This is everyone’s favorite section, which consists of random thoughts that I wrote in my note sheet. In today’s edition, we’re going to section them off by topic:

Food & Bev

• If you’ve eaten with me before, you know I’m an impressive eater. My best trait is that I can cleanly obliterate the messiest of meals – especially burgers. My secret? I’ve mastered the vertical bite. It’s led me to the promised land of efficiently eating a burger.

• All cocktails should come with a garnish that actually tastes good. Preferably that I have an option to choose my garnish. Instead of a maraschino cherry with my Old Fashioned, give me a slider with caramelized onions. Who wants celery with a Bloody Mary? Give me a jumbo shrimp. And olives with a martini? Give me a pig in a blanket.

• One of my strongest skills is ordering for the entire table while out to eat. The only time I struggle is when there’s a salad involved. But I can look at a menu and decide what’s going to taste best, pair perfectly, and be the perfect quantity. Just don’t ask me about anything leafy.

• The secret to making good broccoli is to just overcook the fuck out of it. No need for blanching or lightly-roasting. Just blitz the hell out of it in a hot pan. Delicious.

Air Travel

• How do airports make money? Do airlines pay the airport? Does the government give them funds to encourage tourism? HOW MUCH PROFIT ARE THEY MAKING ON MY AIRPORT BEERS?!?
• Is there anyone who prefers the middle seat? Maybe they want to socialize? Scared of getting hit by the cart in the aisle? Claustrophobic sitting against the window? I feel like there must be at least ONE person who prefers sitting middle.
• Do first-class flight attendants get paid more than economy flight attendants?

Things that wouldn’t fit in any category:

• A bad thing about being a plumber is that there’s no bathroom breaks. Or is everything a bathroom break?
• How is fishing line as strong as it is? Everything my brain knows is telling me that it should snap very easily.
• I don’t know many things that were designed perfectly, but straw wrappers absolutely nailed it.
• Saying “bless you” after someone sneezes is very weird.
• We need picture-in-picture back.
• I like how the “Curb Your Dog” signs are at the dog’s height. It’s like a lil note for them.
• We need more news about animals escaping zoos.
• TouchID was fun.
• Icing body parts helps recovery. Does that mean I’m recovering when it’s cold outside?
• Half of my time folding laundry is spent putting socks right-side-out. How do people prevent this?
• If I ever design shoes, they’re gonna have the Nike Shox on them.
• How do all CVS stores smell the same?
• Barber shops have gotten WAY better over the last decade.
• How do I wash my hands fully without getting my watch wet?

Write-Ins

I (used to) get suggestions of topics to blog about often. Here are some suggestions I’ve received and expanded upon:

The best palate-cleansing bites:

1. Diet Peach Snapple after a bite of a baconeggandcheese
2. Pickled radish between bites Korean fried chicken
3. Pickled ginger between bites of sushi

-Jordan B.

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You never want to be the first commercial after bad news is announced:

“We say good-bye to John Doe, as he leaves behind his wife and three kids…”

*Fades to black*

“WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER. JUNIOR, DOUBLE, TRIPLE WHOPPER”

-Alex S.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Do we yawn while we’re asleep? Or only while we’re awake? We can do all sorts of bodily functions while sleeping, e.g. breathe, pee, talk, walk. I have a hard time believing we don’t yawn while asleep.

-Noah G.

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Delusion

I might be a bit delusional now. But I was MORE delusional as a child.

When I was younger, I used to be very concerned on how I’d celebrate a championship and if I would be physically able to celebrate. For example:

I was unsure if I’d be able to hoist the Stanley Cup (34.5 pounds) above my head and skate around after winning the NHL Championship. For some reason, I thought I’d be able to win a Stanley Cup, but not be able to lift 34.5 pounds above my head and skate? Delusion.

I have vivid memories of Lance Armstrong winning the Tour de France and lifting both fists in the air in triumph. However, I wasn’t able to ride my bike with no handlebars (shoutout Flobots). Did I really think I would have the ability to win the most prestigious bike race in the world and not be able to bike without using my hands? Delusion.

In 2000, the Yankees won the World Series. I watched the players jump over the dugout railing. I was scared that I wouldn’t have the physical ability to jump over the dugout railing. Did I not realize that anyone in moderate shape could jump over that railing? Not to mention a professional athlete being able to jump over it? Delusion

Lastly, I used to be very bad at getting out of pools. Did I really think I’d have the athletic ability to win a 200m freestyle gold medal, but flail like a beached whale trying to get out of the pool? Delusion.

Capybara

I have a capybara addiction. Please send all capybara memes this way.

Things That Taste Good

This is the best tasting thing I’ve ever cooked:

Shoutout me.

Most Important Thought

“Speed limit 25 when horses are present. Arguing with cop I didn’t see horses.”

^This was in my note sheet and I have NO idea what it was about. Take that as you will.

#ExpandTheBrand

Pride of Application

I use the “spotlight search” for every app that’s not on my iPhone’s home screen. Not only is it fewer clicks than scrolling to the second page, but it’s customized to my user habits.

On occasion, I become quite proud of the “Siri Recommendations.” Other times are quite embarrassing.

For example, I was walking around aimlessly at 6pm on a Monday and the Crunch Fitness app was recommended. That’s the digital reassurance I need to know I have a regular gym schedule. At 7:30am on weekdays, my apartment’s laundry app is recommended to me. That’s cool because it means I keep my clothes clean.

There’s a few that are a bit embarrassing. TikTok is #1 recommended all day, every day. I refuse to move it to my home screen, but I end up just searching it. I view the second page as a barrier to entry to force me not to go on TikTok. The second is Fanduel Sportsbook. I don’t gamble much, but when I place a bet, I check the app every 15 seconds to remind myself what I bet on. Finally, Find My Friends is always recommended around 7pm. I get lonely and look to see when my roommate will be home from work. Hi Spector! It’s 6:50pm and you’re still on 19th and Park.

Side note: what’s the most obscure app you have on your home screen? Mine is probably a Crossword puzzle app. This will likely be relegated to second screen to make room for TikTok.

I’m Not Going Here Again

Everyone has a list of restaurants they boycott. I’ve been asking around to see which places my friends/family hate. I’m not trying to deter you from going to these places; this is me just ranting about poor personal experiences I’ve had:

• Pinto Garden: The waiter made an awful recommendation. Like they brought out shell-on shrimp in a pot of boiling water. How on earth was I expected to peel and eat that scalding crustacean? I ended up having to take a pad thai to-go and they didn’t even comp a $6 beer after a long argument. Historically bad performance.
• K Rico: I actually didn’t think this place was that bad, but my boys hated it. And if my boys hate something, I’m going to stand with them. Incredibly over-priced though.
• Jasmine Restaurant: This place delivered to me and I found a fish head in the wonton soup. I called the restaurant and they said it was impossible and that it was likely a piece of shrimp. I brought all of the food back (including the fish head) and they only reimbursed me for the soup. I didn’t eat the food and had to pay for the full meal. They have now closed. I win.
• Dos Caminos: I’ll probably end up going back here because they’re pretty good with big groups, but the food isn’t special and it’s crazy expensive. It’s a lazy suggestion for a dinner. And my friends were adamant about ordering churros when tres leches cake was an option.
• Leisurely: This app helps you find food and drink activities around the city. I reached out to the founder to see if I could help out in any way. We had coffee for an hour and discussed the company direction. After an hour, he realized that he had my information confused with someone else’s. He completely ghosted me. Reached out multiple times. No response.
• Spirit Airlines: Not food-related, but fuck Spirit.

The Only List That Matters

It’s time for my list of nonsense that I don’t really know how else to expand on:

• I’m curious if anyone my age (27) has ever made a scone? I feel like you have to be at least 60 years-old to make a scone.
• What percent of people say goodbye to their hotel room when they leave? I’m suspecting it’s over 50%.
• The biggest flaw in the English language is that “bi-weekly” means “twice a week” AND “every other week.”
• If I was an advertising creative on a toothpaste account, I would hire Idina Menzel to sing “Defying Gravity,” but instead make it “Defying Cavities.” I would do the same thing with John Mayer and his song “Gravity.”
• I don’t remember how to play Yahtzee!
• Avoiding the cracks on the ground when I was a child has prepared me to avoid stepping on dog poop in NYC.
• Where do I acquire a bookmark?
• I’d love to see the consumer purchasing habits of flashlights and fleshlights over the last 15 years. It must be an inverse relationship with the three most impactful stimuli being iPhones, Covid, and VR.
• Eggs benedict is the best breakfast if you are splitting a sweet entree for the table.
• I should be able to connect my headphones to the tv.
• Remember when it was cool to have a sweatshirt or a backpack that had a hole for your headphone wire?
• Do you ever turn off your computer mouse and just click the fuck out of the buttons? Me too.
• My favorite day of the year is the first unseasonably warm day.
• Can they change airplane seats to be more like the front seat of a car? Like way lower and more leg room? It’s still in workshop, but I feel like it should be pretty easy to design.
• I really like miso soup. More than most. But does anyone actually love miso soup? I feel like it’s an unlovable food.
• I recently received the Ember mug as a gift from my parents. It’s arguably the object that has brought me the most joy in the past decade. Constant 135 degree fahrenheit coffee at all times of the day?! Sign me the fuck up.

Things I Like About Fitness

My favorite thing about the gym has nothing to do with fitness. It should be, but it’s not.

The gym brings me joy because it is the quintessential t-shirt graveyard.

I saw a Hurricane Sandy relief shirt last week.

The Last Mask

With this pandemic transitioning to an endemic, I have a few mask thoughts:

Q: What is the weirdest use of a mask you’ve seen? Shoutout Jordan Bernstein for this question and responses.

A: We’ve seen facial covering, sleeping mask, dryer sheets, hand-guard to avoid touching subway poles, wrist accessory, unicorn horn, and kippah. Am I missing anything?

Q: When are you going to wear a mask?

A: I might wear them in confined spaces like airplanes and trains for a little longer, but I’ll stop eventually.

Q: What are you going to do with all of your masks?

A: Leave them on the bottom of my underwear drawer.

Q: What’s the worst part about wearing a mask?

A: When I’m wearing a scented beard product, I inhale that scent for the entirety of the time my mask is on. Also, mask-beard is brutal. Looking forward to having my beard be straight again.

Chug, Chug, Chug

At this point in my life, I rarely chug my drink. There are three main causes for chugging:

1. The infrequent drinking competition
2. Leaving a bar/restaurant
3. Inhaling my bottle of water on the last five minutes of a flight because I neglected it the entire time because I didn’t want to get up to pee

Chef JB

If you haven’t started watching my cooking show yet, you’re missing out BIG TIME.

I mean, just look at it.

I’m getting close to 35k followers, so let’s get me there!! Link below:

https://rizzle.tv/u/jonathanbelfer

#ExpandTheBrand

Autumnal

I don’t particularly enjoy the fall. I dislike the end of summer. I thrive in warmer weather. I need as much sunlight as possible to photosynthesize.

I do have some autumn routines. I look forward to these monuments:

• I drink one (1) pumpkin-flavored coffee from Starbucks
• I buy one (1) pumpkin or gourd
• I purchase apple cinnamon Febreze for the bathroom
• I eat pumpkin-flavored food whenever it is offered to me

No, I will not buy a fall-scented candle. If you know me, you know I live and die by Pink Sands by Yankee Candle.

Ginger Snap, Ginger Crackle, Ginger Pop

How do you ginger?

Ginger is one of the most shocking and mysterious *things* on this planet.

How does it taste so different in so many different forms.

A ginger snap cookie tastes nothing like pickled ginger tastes nothing like ginger ale tastes nothing like ginger spice tastes nothing like ginger hair.

Lightning and the Thunder

Lightning is CRAZY.

Yes, I know, it’s cool to look at and makes pretty sweet noises.

But the wildest part of lightning? It’s the word itself.

If you’re watching bolts of light in the sky? Lightning.

If you want to brighten up a room? Lightening.

If you want an adjective to describe how fast something is? Lightning.

If you want to refer to the uterus dropping during pregnancy? Lightning.

If you want to be confused about spelling by staring at a word for a while? Lightning.

Listicle

Let’s get to everyone’s favorite list:

• I’ve never seen a bug/fly on an airplane.
• I don’t have the ability to grow a mohawk.
• I understand the motives of most obnoxious people, but I’ll NEVER understand the type that revs their engine really loudly late at night.
• Why do coffee shops hate giving out sleeves? Coffee cups should either come with a sleeve on it or be available by the sugar.
• Why are some bags and bottles more difficult to open than others? Shouldn’t it be standardized?
• I have a big fear of stepping on/kicking someone’s dog while walking around NYC. Sometimes they just jump out of nowhere.
• Whenever I see a meme with a caption “What the fuck is going on in this city,” it’s ALWAYS New York City. I’m oddly proud of that.
• According to my memory, the fun sock revolution started 15 years ago. It’s been a friendly revolution, I wear tons of fun socks. I’m glad it happened.
• I would be a huge Beastie Boys fan if I was born 10 years earlier.
• The craziest part of celebrities not showering is that they probably have such fancy showers.
• A lot of NYC parents drop their kids off at school and then carry the kid’s scooter home. Just grow up and ride the scooter.
• I wonder if job vacancy is higher in the paper industry because it’s tough to tell someone you work at a paper company without the other party bringing up “The Office.”
• I’m going to start saying “good luck” more often when someone leaves. Who knows what that luck is for, but everyone could use some luck.

Men’s Attire

Here’s a couple notes on men’s fashion. Because I’m an expert.

I love how men’s sporting attire is so large to make us feel good about ourselves.

If you’re buying a Large football jersey, it’s going to fit like a XXXL. But if a professional athlete is wearing that jersey, they’re going to be wearing it skin tight.

Golf attire? Even baggier. Gotta hide that gut in the backswing.

My second topic is a gripe.

Athletic shorts sans pockets.

When the hell are you going to use these? I had to wear pocket-less shorts for basketball and flag football to prevent fingers getting caught, but are there any other uses?

I have a pair and I NEVER wear them, even at home, because where am I supposed to put my phone? The waistband?!?

Nutritious and Delicious

I do not like sacrificing a meal just for nutrition.

That’s the main reason I don’t run marathons.

I don’t want to sacrifice a meal just to carb up and eat bland pasta.

Traitor Joe’s

If you want to get into a lengthy and heated argument with me, bring up Trader Joe’s. I consider myself an expert.

My favorite item right now?

The corn salsa.

It will return to second in my rankings once the dill pickle mustard resurfaces.

OOTO

About once a week, I go into the office.

For the first time in a long time, I pooped in the stall next to someone. Separated by maybe 12 inches.

I heard all of his farts – he heard all of mine.

I heard all of his plops – he heard all of mine.

I heard all his groans – he heard all of mine.

I heard all his wiping – he heard all of mine.

Why is there no music playing in public bathrooms?

It would make for a substantially more pleasant experience.

Slim Shady

These are my sunglasses for softball.

• 

What do y’all think?

#ExpandTheBrand

Bald Is Common

BREAKING NEWS: I’m bald.

I shave my head every Tuesday night and Friday night. I’ll occasionally break the pattern if I have an event that I’d prefer to have a silky noggin for.

I used to get very self-conscious of having three-day shadow because I’m barren on the top of my head. I have the same haircut as your accountant (Hi Dad!).

It’s tough having the crown haircut at 19-years-old. It’s strange. Now that I’m 26, it’s becoming much more common for men my age to start balding. I feel much more comfortable having this 50-year-old’s haircut.

Thank you to all my balding friends for joining me and boosting my confidence.

Hung

ALSO BREAKING: I get hangovers.

I had a unique hangover a couple fortnights ago.

I woke up on an airplane with dry mouth, a splitting headache, and stomach bubbling.

How does this happen, you ask?

In the words of Dierks Bentley, I got drunk on a plane.

Not just any plane. It was a 13 hour flight.

Drunk for one hour, asleep for eight, hungover for four. And then I woke up in Israel.

I’d petition that an airplane is one of the worst places to be hungover.

The turbulence, noise, people, tight quarters, sweatiness, lights, and lack of liquids combine to a be a hellhole hangover dungeon.

More About Head

Like I mentioned before, I shave my head twice a week. Here’s my ranking of “My Favorite Regions of my Head to Shave”:

1. Top of the Head – (very) minimal hair, easy surface, no razor burn
2. Cheeks – requires artistry, easily visible, smooth, sometimes I shave off scabs and bleed
3. Back of the Head – smooth, blind, often miss spots
4. Side of the Head – tough to angle the top of sideburns, many mini cuts, not easy to get a close shave
5. Front of the Neck – cuts, cuts, and more cuts. Oh, and perennial razor burn
6. Back of the Neck – the hair grows in every direction, blind shave, tons of irritation

List Of All Lists

Let’s just get to the thought list that everyone craves:

• I understand why we have the weird plastic freshness seal in a carton of milk, but it is necessary for milk alternatives? Do I really need to deal with ripping it out and spilling my oat milk all over myself every damn time?
• What’s your favorite lie that you tell yourself? Mine is that “golf is exercise.”
• Did you know there are only 25 blimps still remaining IN THE WORLD?!?!? And only half of those are still active?!?!?!?!?
• Do bugs bleed?
• Fireflies are just asking to be caught. Be a liiiittle more elusive.
• Finding an emoji that is not in your favorites is incredibly challenging.
• The term “bathing suit” makes no sense at all.
• Remote work is amazing for short people because no one knows you’re short.
• Remote work is amazing because if someone calls me for work, I receive the call through Microsoft Teams on my phone. If I get a call from an unknown number, I can ignore it with zero regret.
• Elevators break too often for comfort.
• I’ve lived in four apartments and worked in two offices. I’ve never been within a 10 minute walk of a Cava. That’s the exact definition of a food desert.
• If I were a cashier at a supermarket, I would try and guess what everyone was making for dinner that night, based on their cart. I’d keep track of my accuracy and compare it against other employees’ stats. It would be a fun group competition.

Lava Burrata

Do you know what burrata and lava cake have in common? Other than the oozing insides?

They’re both INCREDIBLY overrated.

Don’t get me wrong, they both taste good and they’re safe options for a group.

Both lack flavor, have high floors and low ceilings, and are always the trendy option.

Can you name the best burrata or lava cake you’ve ever had?

No?

There’s my argument.

TikTok by Ke$ha

I’m assuming that if you know how to find my blog, you’re familiar with the TikTok that says, “Show me the life hack that you randomly saw one day that is now an unconscious standard practice in your life.”

Well my favorite life hack is that I freeze bananas and put them in my smoothies instead of using ice cubes. This is hardly interesting though.

I’d say the first life hack that I remember learning is far more relatable.

A half-score and seven years ago, I was at a sleepover with friends, and I forgot to bring an extra pair of underwear. Up until this point in my life, I wore a fresh pair of underwear to bed and a fresh pair in the morning.

As wise as a 9-year-old can be, he stated that he wears a fresh pair of underwear at night and then wears it throughout the following day since it’s still relatively clean.

This changed my life forever.

Potty Mouth

I take my first bowel movement of the day around 10am.

Does anyone else get jet lag, but for poops?

When I traverse time zones, my pooping schedule is all off.

I was in a time zone seven hours later, and I could not defecate until the early afternoon.

Sharp Haircut

I had a pain in my big toe a few weeks ago. It felt like a splinter.

I took a look at the pad of toe, et voila, a splinter.

I grabbed my tweezers and started digging.

A grasped the edge and yanked it out.

Upon further inspection, it was not a piece of wood.

IT WAS ONE OF MY BEARD HAIRS.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Am I alone in this world?

A Generational Gap

I can count the amount of times on one hand that I have driven to pick someone up from the airport.

Generations that grew up sans ride shares STILL escort their friends to and from the airport, even in 2021.

While a hefty amount of blame falls on the availability of stranger drivers, I believe that millennials mutually hate every aspect of the airport. We want nothing to do with airlines and we treat it as “every human for themselves.”

So don’t ask me for a ride to the airport.

Sauce Sage

Since I mentioned “hung” in the title of this article, here’s a handsome sausage for all you nasty perros.

Always use portrait mode for your sausage pics.

#ExpandTheBrand

Spelling Vee

There’s been a lot on my mind recently. Last post, I started the post with taking care of your mental health.

Today, I’m going to tackle vaccinations.

Why the hell does ‘vaccine’ have two c’s and ‘vacuum’ has one c and two u’s in it?!?!?

Oh, and make sure you get vaccinated.

The Happy Couple

Over Memorial Day Weekend, I attended a destination wedding for two of my best friends in Punta Cana.

The wedding was spectacular, Punta Cana was an enormity of fun, and I got to spend time with some incredible people.

The best part of the trip?

NEW BLOG FOLLOWERS! This post is for you, new Instagram follower.

Aaaaand congrats to the newest Mr. and Mrs. Plotkin!

Fruits Of My Passion

Spend three minutes with me and you’ll understand I have a burning passion for food, sports, and quality customer service.

So I got to thinking.

Which career involves my triumvirate of love?

Like a ignition of a Sterno, it came to me.

“HOT DOGS HERE! GET YOUR HOT DOGS HERE!”

Yes, I’m implying I should be a hot dog vendor at sporting events.

Food Eats First

Let’s switch it up and go with my food-related thought list first:

• Imagine spitting in someone’s food at a fast casual establishment.
• I’ve mentioned in the past that I have one major complaint about sushi. It’s because there’s a finite number of bites. But another reason I love sushi is because it’s evenly divisible by one, two, and three people.
• I feel like I never run out of Saran wrap but I always run out of tin foil.
• If I’m dipping something diminutive into a sauce, I’ll just dip my forefinger and thumb into the sauce with the food and just suck my fingers as I put the victuals in my mouth.
• Sandwiches and burgers should be capped at ONE (1) leaf of lettuce (BLT excluded).
• BLTs should never be eaten. Bacon is not a primary protein.
• Meatball and olive has recently skyrocketed to the top spot on my pizza topping ranking.
• I wish I liked Jack Daniels more.
• What’s the best use for an Instagram Boomerang? The top three has to be piercing a poached egg, opening a pizza box, and a group cheers. In that order.

Dog Eats Second

• I wonder who has pictures of my dog on their phone.
• The best part of having a rooftop is saying that I don’t go up there enough.
• The worst part of getting older is that I haven’t done bumper cars in a while.
• I haven’t added a new phone number to my phone in a long time.
• I still have no idea how to dress properly for 50 degrees.
• I wonder if I have abandoned clothes at the dry cleaner.
• Does anyone own two cats? I feel like it’s one cat or fifty.
• What’s the best day of the week to get a massage? I usually opt for Thursday night to get the weekend kicked off.
• Why does my breath smell in the morning?
• I would love to see a graph of the correlation between the weather and and my steps per day throughout the year.
• I’ve been having a battle over the past few months about my shower curtain sticking to me while I shower. I am happy to report that I won the battle.
• I smelled something pleasant in the street in NYC. It was the garbage. Does this mean I have to renounce New Jersey as my home?
• I hate when I’m on a Teams call and someone apologizes for being 30 seconds late.
• People who close their ears when an ambulance goes by are soft.
• Whenever someone calls out a shooting star, everyone else looks and says, “Where?!?!” Hey, it’s not still going to be there.

Enter Sandman

Here are a few songs that fire me up that you probably wouldn’t expect:

• Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper
• If I Ain’t Got You by Alicia Keys
• Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae

For those keeping score at home, this is the second time I’ve blogged about Put Your Records On.

Dolla Dolla Bill Y’all

What’s your most frequently used dollar bill denomination?

It was $1 for the first 18 years of my life for school cafeteria and vending machines. I also went to a lot of strip clubs before I turned 18.

During college, it was $5 since we threw fives for pregame booze or other stuff.

Since graduating, I’ve graduated to $20 since that’s what the ATM gives me.

When it’s $100, my loyal readers will be the first to know.

Chef JayBee

I hope you’ve seen my cooking show “Tomorrow’s Lunch” by now.

Whether you have or haven’t, I have good news for you.

If you have watched it, I’ll have a new cooking show coming out soon!

If you haven’t watched it, you have a second chance at watching a cooking show starring me!

At The Turn

The best tradition in sports:

Hot dogs at the turn.

#ExpandTheBrand