Alphonzo

Well, it HAS been a while. But it’s like I’ve never left, right? But enough pleasantries. The return of BlogBoy JB starts…. now.

Life Updates

I live in Santa Monica, California. I no longer live in New York City, New York.

I had a cooking show on the app Rizzle that amassed over 50k followers. The app has now shut down. I no longer have a cooking show with 50k followers.

I’ve become quite fond of loud music in bathrooms. I don’t want to have a conversation in the bathroom. I do not want to hear Chernobyl pt. 2 happening in the stall next to me. I don’t need to get into a pissing contest (pun intended) on who has the stronger stream. Blast some Pee Diddy and let me focus on not splashing onto my white Nikes.

I have updated the way I order drinks at bars. My opening question to the bartender now is if they have large ice cubes/spheres. If they say yes, I order bourbon with a large rock. If they do not, I order it neat. After 28 years on this planet, I’ve finally had enough of small ice cubes watering down my beverages.

It’s been a long time since I cared about the rating of a movie e.g. PG, PG-13, R.

I learned the difference between i.e. and e.g.

The Fonz

Here is a definitive power ranking of the best nicknames for the name Alphonso:

1. Fonz
2. Zo
3. Fonzy
4. Al
5. Alfie

The Opposition

Hot and cold. Up and down. Right and left. Sushi and string cheese.

Yes, sushi and string cheese are exact opposites.

Sushi is a finite number of bites. String cheese? INFINITE.

I will not be expanding any further on this topic.

Some Other String Cheese Thoughts

Is there a world record for most pulls of a string cheese?

Are there any other foods that it’s encouraged to take as many bites of the item as you humanly can? We promote eating contests of quantity of food, spiciness of food, and speed in which it can be consumed. I think the next eating contest should test the number of bites one can take from one item.

*Insert gif of Squidward taking tiny bite out of Krabby Patty*

Since I’ve Left New York…

While walking in NYC, I hate bikers and drivers.

While driving in NYC, I hate walkers and bikers.

While biking in NYC, I hate drivers and walkers.

Maybe that’s why everyone is so angry all the time.

One other NYC note:

NYC streets (not avenues) are typically one lane. However, you can go four cars-wide out of necessity. Most other cities don’t have that luxury.

Vibrato

My generation loves vibration:

• iPhones
• Video game controllers
• Electric toothbrushes
• *Other vibrating devices*
• Theragun

THE THOUGHTS SECTION

This is everyone’s favorite section, which consists of random thoughts that I wrote in my note sheet. In today’s edition, we’re going to section them off by topic:

Food & Bev

• If you’ve eaten with me before, you know I’m an impressive eater. My best trait is that I can cleanly obliterate the messiest of meals – especially burgers. My secret? I’ve mastered the vertical bite. It’s led me to the promised land of efficiently eating a burger.

• All cocktails should come with a garnish that actually tastes good. Preferably that I have an option to choose my garnish. Instead of a maraschino cherry with my Old Fashioned, give me a slider with caramelized onions. Who wants celery with a Bloody Mary? Give me a jumbo shrimp. And olives with a martini? Give me a pig in a blanket.

• One of my strongest skills is ordering for the entire table while out to eat. The only time I struggle is when there’s a salad involved. But I can look at a menu and decide what’s going to taste best, pair perfectly, and be the perfect quantity. Just don’t ask me about anything leafy.

• The secret to making good broccoli is to just overcook the fuck out of it. No need for blanching or lightly-roasting. Just blitz the hell out of it in a hot pan. Delicious.

Air Travel

• How do airports make money? Do airlines pay the airport? Does the government give them funds to encourage tourism? HOW MUCH PROFIT ARE THEY MAKING ON MY AIRPORT BEERS?!?
• Is there anyone who prefers the middle seat? Maybe they want to socialize? Scared of getting hit by the cart in the aisle? Claustrophobic sitting against the window? I feel like there must be at least ONE person who prefers sitting middle.
• Do first-class flight attendants get paid more than economy flight attendants?

Things that wouldn’t fit in any category:

• A bad thing about being a plumber is that there’s no bathroom breaks. Or is everything a bathroom break?
• How is fishing line as strong as it is? Everything my brain knows is telling me that it should snap very easily.
• I don’t know many things that were designed perfectly, but straw wrappers absolutely nailed it.
• Saying “bless you” after someone sneezes is very weird.
• We need picture-in-picture back.
• I like how the “Curb Your Dog” signs are at the dog’s height. It’s like a lil note for them.
• We need more news about animals escaping zoos.
• TouchID was fun.
• Icing body parts helps recovery. Does that mean I’m recovering when it’s cold outside?
• Half of my time folding laundry is spent putting socks right-side-out. How do people prevent this?
• If I ever design shoes, they’re gonna have the Nike Shox on them.
• How do all CVS stores smell the same?
• Barber shops have gotten WAY better over the last decade.
• How do I wash my hands fully without getting my watch wet?

Write-Ins

I (used to) get suggestions of topics to blog about often. Here are some suggestions I’ve received and expanded upon:

The best palate-cleansing bites:

1. Diet Peach Snapple after a bite of a baconeggandcheese
2. Pickled radish between bites Korean fried chicken
3. Pickled ginger between bites of sushi

-Jordan B.

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You never want to be the first commercial after bad news is announced:

“We say good-bye to John Doe, as he leaves behind his wife and three kids…”

*Fades to black*

“WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER. JUNIOR, DOUBLE, TRIPLE WHOPPER”

-Alex S.

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Do we yawn while we’re asleep? Or only while we’re awake? We can do all sorts of bodily functions while sleeping, e.g. breathe, pee, talk, walk. I have a hard time believing we don’t yawn while asleep.

-Noah G.

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Delusion

I might be a bit delusional now. But I was MORE delusional as a child.

When I was younger, I used to be very concerned on how I’d celebrate a championship and if I would be physically able to celebrate. For example:

I was unsure if I’d be able to hoist the Stanley Cup (34.5 pounds) above my head and skate around after winning the NHL Championship. For some reason, I thought I’d be able to win a Stanley Cup, but not be able to lift 34.5 pounds above my head and skate? Delusion.

I have vivid memories of Lance Armstrong winning the Tour de France and lifting both fists in the air in triumph. However, I wasn’t able to ride my bike with no handlebars (shoutout Flobots). Did I really think I would have the ability to win the most prestigious bike race in the world and not be able to bike without using my hands? Delusion.

In 2000, the Yankees won the World Series. I watched the players jump over the dugout railing. I was scared that I wouldn’t have the physical ability to jump over the dugout railing. Did I not realize that anyone in moderate shape could jump over that railing? Not to mention a professional athlete being able to jump over it? Delusion

Lastly, I used to be very bad at getting out of pools. Did I really think I’d have the athletic ability to win a 200m freestyle gold medal, but flail like a beached whale trying to get out of the pool? Delusion.

Capybara

I have a capybara addiction. Please send all capybara memes this way.

Things That Taste Good

This is the best tasting thing I’ve ever cooked:

Shoutout me.

Most Important Thought

“Speed limit 25 when horses are present. Arguing with cop I didn’t see horses.”

^This was in my note sheet and I have NO idea what it was about. Take that as you will.

#ExpandTheBrand