A Lot of Orange (and Brown)

Autumnal

I don’t particularly enjoy the fall. I dislike the end of summer. I thrive in warmer weather. I need as much sunlight as possible to photosynthesize.

I do have some autumn routines. I look forward to these monuments:

• I drink one (1) pumpkin-flavored coffee from Starbucks
• I buy one (1) pumpkin or gourd
• I purchase apple cinnamon Febreze for the bathroom
• I eat pumpkin-flavored food whenever it is offered to me

No, I will not buy a fall-scented candle. If you know me, you know I live and die by Pink Sands by Yankee Candle.

Ginger Snap, Ginger Crackle, Ginger Pop

How do you ginger?

Ginger is one of the most shocking and mysterious *things* on this planet.

How does it taste so different in so many different forms.

A ginger snap cookie tastes nothing like pickled ginger tastes nothing like ginger ale tastes nothing like ginger spice tastes nothing like ginger hair.

Lightning and the Thunder

Lightning is CRAZY.

Yes, I know, it’s cool to look at and makes pretty sweet noises.

But the wildest part of lightning? It’s the word itself.

If you’re watching bolts of light in the sky? Lightning.

If you want to brighten up a room? Lightening.

If you want an adjective to describe how fast something is? Lightning.

If you want to refer to the uterus dropping during pregnancy? Lightning.

If you want to be confused about spelling by staring at a word for a while? Lightning.

Listicle

Let’s get to everyone’s favorite list:

• I’ve never seen a bug/fly on an airplane.
• I don’t have the ability to grow a mohawk.
• I understand the motives of most obnoxious people, but I’ll NEVER understand the type that revs their engine really loudly late at night.
• Why do coffee shops hate giving out sleeves? Coffee cups should either come with a sleeve on it or be available by the sugar.
• Why are some bags and bottles more difficult to open than others? Shouldn’t it be standardized?
• I have a big fear of stepping on/kicking someone’s dog while walking around NYC. Sometimes they just jump out of nowhere.
• Whenever I see a meme with a caption “What the fuck is going on in this city,” it’s ALWAYS New York City. I’m oddly proud of that.
• According to my memory, the fun sock revolution started 15 years ago. It’s been a friendly revolution, I wear tons of fun socks. I’m glad it happened.
• I would be a huge Beastie Boys fan if I was born 10 years earlier.
• The craziest part of celebrities not showering is that they probably have such fancy showers.
• A lot of NYC parents drop their kids off at school and then carry the kid’s scooter home. Just grow up and ride the scooter.
• I wonder if job vacancy is higher in the paper industry because it’s tough to tell someone you work at a paper company without the other party bringing up “The Office.”
• I’m going to start saying “good luck” more often when someone leaves. Who knows what that luck is for, but everyone could use some luck.

Men’s Attire

Here’s a couple notes on men’s fashion. Because I’m an expert.

I love how men’s sporting attire is so large to make us feel good about ourselves.

If you’re buying a Large football jersey, it’s going to fit like a XXXL. But if a professional athlete is wearing that jersey, they’re going to be wearing it skin tight.

Golf attire? Even baggier. Gotta hide that gut in the backswing.

My second topic is a gripe.

Athletic shorts sans pockets.

When the hell are you going to use these? I had to wear pocket-less shorts for basketball and flag football to prevent fingers getting caught, but are there any other uses?

I have a pair and I NEVER wear them, even at home, because where am I supposed to put my phone? The waistband?!?

Nutritious and Delicious

I do not like sacrificing a meal just for nutrition.

That’s the main reason I don’t run marathons.

I don’t want to sacrifice a meal just to carb up and eat bland pasta.

Traitor Joe’s

If you want to get into a lengthy and heated argument with me, bring up Trader Joe’s. I consider myself an expert.

My favorite item right now?

The corn salsa.

It will return to second in my rankings once the dill pickle mustard resurfaces.

OOTO

About once a week, I go into the office.

For the first time in a long time, I pooped in the stall next to someone. Separated by maybe 12 inches.

I heard all of his farts – he heard all of mine.

I heard all of his plops – he heard all of mine.

I heard all his groans – he heard all of mine.

I heard all his wiping – he heard all of mine.

Why is there no music playing in public bathrooms?

It would make for a substantially more pleasant experience.

Slim Shady

These are my sunglasses for softball.

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What do y’all think?

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