Bald and Hung

Bald Is Common

BREAKING NEWS: I’m bald.

I shave my head every Tuesday night and Friday night. I’ll occasionally break the pattern if I have an event that I’d prefer to have a silky noggin for.

I used to get very self-conscious of having three-day shadow because I’m barren on the top of my head. I have the same haircut as your accountant (Hi Dad!).

It’s tough having the crown haircut at 19-years-old. It’s strange. Now that I’m 26, it’s becoming much more common for men my age to start balding. I feel much more comfortable having this 50-year-old’s haircut.

Thank you to all my balding friends for joining me and boosting my confidence.

Hung

ALSO BREAKING: I get hangovers.

I had a unique hangover a couple fortnights ago.

I woke up on an airplane with dry mouth, a splitting headache, and stomach bubbling.

How does this happen, you ask?

In the words of Dierks Bentley, I got drunk on a plane.

Not just any plane. It was a 13 hour flight.

Drunk for one hour, asleep for eight, hungover for four. And then I woke up in Israel.

I’d petition that an airplane is one of the worst places to be hungover.

The turbulence, noise, people, tight quarters, sweatiness, lights, and lack of liquids combine to a be a hellhole hangover dungeon.

More About Head

Like I mentioned before, I shave my head twice a week. Here’s my ranking of “My Favorite Regions of my Head to Shave”:

1. Top of the Head – (very) minimal hair, easy surface, no razor burn
2. Cheeks – requires artistry, easily visible, smooth, sometimes I shave off scabs and bleed
3. Back of the Head – smooth, blind, often miss spots
4. Side of the Head – tough to angle the top of sideburns, many mini cuts, not easy to get a close shave
5. Front of the Neck – cuts, cuts, and more cuts. Oh, and perennial razor burn
6. Back of the Neck – the hair grows in every direction, blind shave, tons of irritation

List Of All Lists

Let’s just get to the thought list that everyone craves:

• I understand why we have the weird plastic freshness seal in a carton of milk, but it is necessary for milk alternatives? Do I really need to deal with ripping it out and spilling my oat milk all over myself every damn time?
• What’s your favorite lie that you tell yourself? Mine is that “golf is exercise.”
• Did you know there are only 25 blimps still remaining IN THE WORLD?!?!? And only half of those are still active?!?!?!?!?
• Do bugs bleed?
• Fireflies are just asking to be caught. Be a liiiittle more elusive.
• Finding an emoji that is not in your favorites is incredibly challenging.
• The term “bathing suit” makes no sense at all.
• Remote work is amazing for short people because no one knows you’re short.
• Remote work is amazing because if someone calls me for work, I receive the call through Microsoft Teams on my phone. If I get a call from an unknown number, I can ignore it with zero regret.
• Elevators break too often for comfort.
• I’ve lived in four apartments and worked in two offices. I’ve never been within a 10 minute walk of a Cava. That’s the exact definition of a food desert.
• If I were a cashier at a supermarket, I would try and guess what everyone was making for dinner that night, based on their cart. I’d keep track of my accuracy and compare it against other employees’ stats. It would be a fun group competition.

Lava Burrata

Do you know what burrata and lava cake have in common? Other than the oozing insides?

They’re both INCREDIBLY overrated.

Don’t get me wrong, they both taste good and they’re safe options for a group.

Both lack flavor, have high floors and low ceilings, and are always the trendy option.

Can you name the best burrata or lava cake you’ve ever had?

No?

There’s my argument.

TikTok by Ke$ha

I’m assuming that if you know how to find my blog, you’re familiar with the TikTok that says, “Show me the life hack that you randomly saw one day that is now an unconscious standard practice in your life.”

Well my favorite life hack is that I freeze bananas and put them in my smoothies instead of using ice cubes. This is hardly interesting though.

I’d say the first life hack that I remember learning is far more relatable.

A half-score and seven years ago, I was at a sleepover with friends, and I forgot to bring an extra pair of underwear. Up until this point in my life, I wore a fresh pair of underwear to bed and a fresh pair in the morning.

As wise as a 9-year-old can be, he stated that he wears a fresh pair of underwear at night and then wears it throughout the following day since it’s still relatively clean.

This changed my life forever.

Potty Mouth

I take my first bowel movement of the day around 10am.

Does anyone else get jet lag, but for poops?

When I traverse time zones, my pooping schedule is all off.

I was in a time zone seven hours later, and I could not defecate until the early afternoon.

Sharp Haircut

I had a pain in my big toe a few weeks ago. It felt like a splinter.

I took a look at the pad of toe, et voila, a splinter.

I grabbed my tweezers and started digging.

A grasped the edge and yanked it out.

Upon further inspection, it was not a piece of wood.

IT WAS ONE OF MY BEARD HAIRS.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Am I alone in this world?

A Generational Gap

I can count the amount of times on one hand that I have driven to pick someone up from the airport.

Generations that grew up sans ride shares STILL escort their friends to and from the airport, even in 2021.

While a hefty amount of blame falls on the availability of stranger drivers, I believe that millennials mutually hate every aspect of the airport. We want nothing to do with airlines and we treat it as “every human for themselves.”

So don’t ask me for a ride to the airport.

Sauce Sage

Since I mentioned “hung” in the title of this article, here’s a handsome sausage for all you nasty perros.

Always use portrait mode for your sausage pics.

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