Beware: This Post Contains Seriousness

Do You Even Therapy?

It’s become perfunctory to ask our friends and family, “How are you doing?” or “How’s life?”

It’s usually followed up with “hanging in there” or “living the dream.”

We’re really missing the point of this question.

If someone you know goes through an illness or injury, you ask them about that specific malady. “How’s your knee?” or “How’s the recovery from Covid going?”

Why don’t we treat mental health the same way?

We need to normalize asking our loved ones propositions like, “How’s your mental health?” or “I’m here to listen if you ever need to talk about your mental sanity.”

If you’re struggling, don’t bottle it up either. Everyone has their own battles. You shouldn’t have to fight yours alone.

Bathroom Hygiene

There’s quite a lot of gross things in public bathrooms. There are a bunch of things I NEVER touch. Here’s a ranking of the things I’d least want to touch:

1. Urinal Cakes – ladies’ room frequenters, you do not have these. But if you see them, don’t eat them. They’re not actual cake.
2. Flusher – this is ALWAYS touched before hands are washed. Most people use the bottom of their shoes to flush, which have been touching the pee-soaked floor.
3. The part of the bowl that is exposed when the seat is lifted – piss droplets galore.
4. Myself – stage fright is real.
5. Toilet Seat – lots of butts touched that same spot.
6. Sink Handle – Also touched pre-washing.
7. Paper Towel Dispenser – it’s usually wet, and anything wet in a public bathroom is nasty. Wet Ass Papertoweldispenser. WAP.

Is This Charity?

I love self-checkout. It’s a sense of freedom I never knew I craved.

In NYC (not sure about other places), they charge five cents per bag.

At CVS, they also give you an option to round up to the nearest dollar to donate to a Children’s Hospital.

Here’s my dilemma: I took a bag and selected “zero bags.” I rounded up to the nearest dollar to donate to charity.

So essentially, I took five cents from CVS and gave it to a children’s hospital.

I’m a modern-day Robinhood.

Bravado

America. Land of the free and home of enormous American flags in front of car dealerships.

But what if non-American car makers did this…. in America.

I can see it now. A gigantic German flag in front of the Volkswagen dealership. Oh, look! A Japanese flag in front of Toyota! Over there, a South Korean flag in front of Hyundai!

Based on the actions of some citizens in this country, I don’t think this would go over too well.

Who’s the biggest Russian carmaker?

List Of The Best Thoughts Ever

Let’s get weird:

• Binoculars are a creepy item to own.
• I wore overalls when I was younger.
• I’m sometimes scared of the shorts with the underwear liners because I’d be screwed if I poop my pants.
• Mechanical bull operator seems like a job I’d enjoy.
• If you ask someone to move seats on a plane so you can sit with your crew, it should be mandatory to buy them a drink. I moved from an aisle (my favorite) to a window (my second favorite) so a man could sit with his girlfriend. I did not receive a complimentary adult beverage.
• I’m on a couple “Close Friends” lists on Instagram that I definitely shouldn’t be on. But please don’t remove me.
• My teeth haven’t chattered in a while.
• I did not wear one scarf this winter. That’s really a shame.
• A group chat is not solidified until it exists in more than one social medium.
• I’ve never seen an eagle before.
• At least once a week, I “lose” my AirPods. 100% of the time, they’re in my ears.
• I’ll never have a short phone charger. Six feet and up.

Additional Thoughts, But Food-Related

I felt the need to separate the food section:

• I love sushi. The one thing about sushi I do not like is that you know exactly how many bites you are going to take before you start the meal.
• Poke bowls are an afternoon food. That fish has been sitting out for a while and not properly refrigerated.
• I always let my hot coffee sit for a minute before I drink it. I’ve noticed I do the same thing with iced coffee. I cannot explain why I do this.
• I went to a liquor store and picked out a Malbec and a Margaux. The cashier said I made great selections. This is my new favorite liquor store.

A Few Bathroom Thoughts, Too

• Do you throw up with the toilet seat up or down? Either you’re resting on butt sweat or the aforementioned pee droplets.
• Where do you clip your fingernails into? I rotate between the toilet, bathroom sink, and garbage can.
• More paper towel needs to come out from the automatic paper towel dispenser.

Quiznos

Confession: I have not been on an NYC subway since the pandemic started.

Prior to the pandemic, they were installing Apple Pay into busier stations instead of using a MetroCard.

I really hope this has been implemented in every single subway station by now.

Howard Schultz In A Bottle

The Starbucks Reserve now sells Espresso Martinis to-go.

This is what they look like:

It’s available for only TWENTY DOLLARS PER BOTTLE.

That’s like five normal coffees.

#ExpandTheBrand