My Favorite Fixations

I’m The Best

There are a few things I’m really good at. And by that, I mean top 0.1% in the entire world. Here are a few of those things:

• Finding hair in food
• Taking the first sip of coffee at the perfect time (when it’s still hot, but not too hot)
• Saying “bless you” right before someone is just about to sneeze
• Shaving my head
• Pouring two glasses of liquid evenly on the first try
• Identifying dog breeds
• Throwing things in the garbage from a distance
• Showering efficiently

Fixate Me, Orally

I’ve been eating a lot of foods recently that satisfy my oral fixation.

Olives (with pits, always). Sunflower seeds. Nails.

The other day, I sneezed with a hefty handful of sunflower seeds in my mouth.

It was catastrophic.

Six-Foot-Four

SUPPOSEDLY, men lie about their height.

Barefoot, I measure in at an honest 6’2. I tell everyone that asks that I’m 6’2.

However, I’ve always wanted to be 6’4. Wearing my Dr. Martens, I’m probably 6’4. But I still say I’m 6’2.

I feel like I’ve been gypped because I’m honest about my height.

The One And Only List

You know what’s coming. The list of things that find their way into my note sheet.

• Can we make “fashionably early” a thing? Punctuality is sexy.
• Sometimes you take an extra tissue out of the box by accident and you can’t put it back in properly. That frustrates me.
• I recently discovered the purpose of a bathroom vent. I never use it because it’s loud.
• Why is arugula an herb and not a vegetable?
• How the fuck does cinnamon grow?
• Shiba Inus’ whole prerogative is “look at my butthole.”
• Every restaurant has a different definition of “well-done” home fries. If you don’t eat home fries well-done, I don’t like you.
• The “Bound 2” music video with Seth Rogen and James Franco is criminally underrated. Go watch it.
• “Because of Covid” has become way too common of a phrase.
• Has anyone ever had success with a suction cup in a shower? They NEVER stick.
• I once ordered a “turkey bacon, egg, and cheese,” but they gave me turkey, bacon, egg, and cheese.
• I hate the sound of vacuuming.
• I don’t like going to farmer’s markets alone. I love going to farmer’s markets with a companion.
• Why can’t every country use the same type of outlet? Converters shouldn’t exist. It’s 2021. Grow up, Earth.
• If a piece of clothing has buttons OR a zipper, it is too fancy to wear at home.
• The way to be compatible with someone is to shower at the same temperature.
• Holster this idea until after Covid, but we need more scratch-and-sniff.
• I don’t know what “java” is. Is it a synonym for coffee? A type of coffee? Literally nobody knows.
• I also don’t understand the digital version of Java, either.

Under My Umbrella, Ella, Ella

When is the correct time to buy a new umbrella? I want to buy a new one, but it’s superfluous since I have a fully functioning one.

Here’s how I foresee my next umbrella purchase to go:

1. I take my trusty umbrella out in the rain.
2. It breaks.
3. I get soaked.
4. I panic and buy a $5 umbrella on the street.
5. I get home and order a fancy one (with the clouds printed underneath) on Amazon.
6. I dismiss the shitty $5 umbrella.

Is there a way to avoid the dreaded $5 umbrella?

I’ll Handle It

I have obscure social media handles. I always have to explain the origins of each.

I’m going to explain each now, so please don’t ask me ever again.

Instagram – @_goodlooking

This one is two-fold: I made an ESPN username back in middle school, and this is the handle I chose. It carried all the way until I made an Instagram during my freshman year of high-school. The other reason is because I’m _goodlooking.

Twitter – @BanPinkLemonade

I’ve blogged about this before, but pink lemonade and yellow lemonade taste EXACTLY the same. It’s a marketing ploy to make it look sweeter. Don’t fall for the trap.

WordPress – @BlogBoyJB

There’s a rapper named BlocBoy JB. I’m also a boy named JB, but I have a blog.

Please feel free to follow me on all above platforms.

Tower Of Terror

I’ve harped on elevator etiquette ad nauseum. I have yet to discuss pre-elevator etiquette.

When I am standing on one side of the elevator doors and a stranger is on the other side, I startle them 80% of the time when the doors open..

What did you (the stranger) expect? For no one to be there every time? Or am I just that scary looking?

There’s two possible outcomes. Either I’m there or I’m not.

Expect me to be there.

It’s A Fraud

While walking in the streets of NYC at night, I discovered this gem:

I was beyond excited when I found it.

If you look closely, it’s pretty obviously counterfeit.

I didn’t realize it was fake until the next morning.

Yes, I was *slightly* intoxicated when I found it.

#ExpandTheBrand