Email Was The Original Snapchat

A Hairy Compilation

3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash gets too much hate. It has all of the same ingredients as each individual product.

Why is it bad if they’re combined into one bottle?

Because it’s lazy?

Orrrrr are you all getting scammed by slanderous nobodies on social media who say 3-in-1 is the devil?

Name one good reason I should use separate products.

Editor’s Note*: I currently use separate shampoo, conditioner, and body wash, but I cannot think of one good reason why I shouldn’t use 3-in-1.

*The author and the editor are the same person

Lyrical Genius

In previous posts, I’ve posted some out-of-context song lyrics. I have one more for you all:

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Artist: Kanye West

Song: Runaway

Lyrics: “She find pictures in my email, I sent this bitch a picture of my dick.“

Commentary: Imagine how many dick pics Kanye would have sent if he had Snapchat in 2010?!?!?!

WEAR YOUR MASK

As we all know, we have been wearing masks for quite a few months now. Here’s something that the non-bearded population has yet to realize.

Hat-hair for you is congruent with mask-beard for us.

When the mask is removed, it leaves an unsightly, wavy impression through the main girth of the beard.

Personally, I have switched to a neck gaiter. I invited all my facial-haired friends to make the switch as well.

As for the rest of you, please do not judge us and our imperfect appearance.

Clippers In 4

I had a nail clipping crisis when I couldn’t find a nail clipper while I was away from my house for two weeks. It made me realize the below two things:

1. I have no idea how frequently I clip my fingernails. I’d guess once every 16 days. However, I once read that fingernails grow four times faster than toenails. So I probably clip my toenails every 64 days.
2. Are nail clippers useful for anything besides clipping nails? I’ve used them to cut those cloth strings that are used to attach tags to clothing, but only because I didn’t have scissors on-hand. How did someone figure out that they’re the optimal design to cut fingernails?

The Thought List

Like always, here is my list of thoughts that have nothing to do with anything:

• I hate when the electricity goes out because one of my favorite hobbies is looking inside the fridge every few minutes to see if anything new showed up.
• Older people need to trust GPS systems more. I guarantee you that the GPS knows a quicker route than the way you vaguely remember from when you were 19 years old.
• I’m glad that some of my clothes have permanent stains. My sweatpant shorts wouldn’t be MY sweatpant shorts without a few stains.
• If she has a removable shower head, she’s a keeper.
• I’ll never enjoy watching award shows.
• The best thing I ever learned from YouTube is the “Loop, Swoop, and Pull” method to tie my shoes. I was a Bunny Ears guy until junior year of high school.
• It’s a major red-flag if someone makes a lot of facial expressions while they’re typing. There must be a whole lot of pent-up emotion.
• Who buys the most expensive vacuum? If you’re rich enough to buy a lavish vacuum, you can probably find it in the budget to pay for a routine cleaning service. Who the fuck pays thousands of dollars for a vacuum? And why does vacuum have consecutive “u’s” in it.
• I’ve really started embracing the few seconds of anxiety when the video call freezes and then an orgy of words/movements cascade out and I have to try my best to comprehend what was said.
• I have a bunch of half-drank water bottles in my room. Unlike all of you, I eventually finish them AND recycle them.

App Store? More Like Crapp Store

Here are the three worst-functioning apps I have on my phone:

• Apple Maps
• Venmo
• ESPN

Dental Hygienist

I went to the dentist for the first time since the pandemic started. Since I haven’t been in a while, I realized a few things:

• This was the first time the dental hygienist said that I did a really good job brushing and flossing. I was really proud of myself and I wanted to tell all of you. THERE’S HOPE FOR YOU TO GET A GLOWING REVIEW AS WELL. FLOSS!
• The final time I got fluoride as a child was one of the best days of my life.
• I used to be frustrated at the dentist because the dental hygienist would talk to me while they’re cleaning my teeth and I’m unable to respond. Little did I know, the real frustration was when “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys started playing while they were in my mouth and I couldn’t belt out the chorus.

Can My Dog Drink On This?

I mentioned on my previous post that my most frequently Googled phrase is “Can I drink on _________ medication?”

I finally figured out my second-most Googled phrase:

“Can my dog eat ________?”

Did you know dogs can’t eat garlic?

That sucks for Sophie because I put garlic in EVERYTHING.

They also can’t eat grapes. Speaking of grapes…..

Dried Grapes

I love Craisins. I use them more frequently that I should.

When I order them at the diner, I used to ask “Can I add Craisins to that salad?”

I’ve been burned by asking that question before. On multiple occasions, the waiter has misunderstood my request and added raisins to my chicken caesar salad.

When I order it now, I ask for “dried cranberries.” Which is weird, because I would never ask for “dried grapes.”

You’re Far Too Kind

I wanted to take this time to say thank you all for making the pandemic manageable.

The biggest thank you’s go out to the essential workers. They’re the real heroes.

But on a more personal note: I want to say thank you to all of the people I hold dearly in my circle. Thank you for keeping me occupied during the quarantine, reaching out to me, and most importantly, being responsible and following the proper Covid-19 protocols.

If you’ve gotten this far, I love you.

If you haven’t gotten this far, I love you a little less than the ones who have gotten this far.

Louis Will

Lemon pepper wings are my favorite kitchen creation over the last few months.

HMU for the recipe.

#ExpandTheBrand