French-ly Fried

There needs to be a definitive power-ranking of French fry shapes. So here it is:

1. Any shape as long as it’s sweet potato
2. Smiley-face
3. Waffle
4. Curly
5. Crinkle
6. Cottage
7. Shoestring
8. Steak
9. Wedge
10. Standard
11. Tater Tot

This is not up for debate.

“Beer” Death Experience

My most searched phrase on Google is “Can I safely drink while taking [insert medication here]?”

The answer is usually “you can drink on this medication, but it may cause sudden death.”

Then I’ll polish off the last beer of the 12-pack and hope I wake up the next morning.

Random-ly Thoughts

This is my segment where I list things I thought about since my last post:

• In 13 years, I’m excited to call the next generation “Quaran-teens”
• At what age are you the best driver? It must be when you first have kids and you’re hyper-aware.
• Why is the word “mile” two syllables?
• I get along better with people who have their “read receipts” on.
• I dislike it when someone listens to music through the built-in iPhone speaker. I’d rather listen to someone chew with their mouth open.
• Giving your peers hand-sanitizer is teaching people to be selfless because if you give it to yourself first, you’re inevitably going to make a mess.
• “Phone-tag” is a phenomenal phrase.
• I’m having wardrobe fatigue.
• You never see the remnants of bird poop in the grass. It’s there. I walk barefoot in the grass a lot.
• It takes a special kind of person to own a pool AND be a friendly neighbor.
• Toilet clogging shouldn’t exist. Just make the pipes wider.
• How far away can you go with a cordless landline without it disconnecting?
• Are eyeglasses even made of glass?
• I’ve used the “Find My Friends” app infrequently these past few months.
• Most people wanted to grow up to be Michael Jordan. I wanted to be the guy who introduced Michael Jordan.
• Whoever named it Long Beach Island was egregiously lazy. And Long Beach. And Long Island.

Infatuations

Welllllll I had quite a few more random thoughts.

These are all of the other random thoughts, but all food-related:

• I enjoy drinking beer and eating ice cream at the same time.
• Lettuce wraps are an underrated messy food.
• Every person who cooks has their favorite recipe for most vegetables. Except for peas. No one has a pea recipe.
• I drink the soup broth before I eat the contents of the soup.
• “BYO” is not used in reference to booze anymore. It’s just a “dad joke” now.
• They don’t sell liquor at highway rest stops. I guess it’s for good reason.
• If we order pizza to my house, it’s tradition to eat a slice of it while setting up the table.
• Foods I eat standing up:
  • PB&J
  • Fruit
  • The aforementioned slice of pizza
• Do you eat Pringles a certain way? I do.
• I can identify the differences between brands of water by taste. However, as long as milk isn’t spoiled, I can’t tell the difference between brands.
• Foods you use a fork, knife, and a spoon to eat:
  • Avocados
  • Any dish where the sauce is really good so I can spoon it into my mouth
• I drink hot coffee faster than iced coffee. I feel like that’s counter-intuitive.
• I wish restaurants gave out two cloth napkins more frequently. One for my lap, one on the table (loyal reader Noah Ganz gets some sort of credit for this idea).

Contextuality

Another recurring segment!! Out of context lyrics. Here. We. Go.

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Artist: Mack Maine

Song: Every Girl

Lyrics: In about three years, holla at me, Miley Cyrus.

Commentary: Dear Mr. Maine,

Miley Cyrus is currently 27 years old. This song was released 11 years ago. At the time of release, Ms. Cyrus was 16 years old.

Are you familiar with the term, “Grooming”?

You, sir, are gross.

Regards,

BlogBoy JB

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Artist: E-40

Song: U and Dat

Lyric: Girl he simpin’

Commentary: Here I am, thinking that “simp” was a 2020 word. Nope. Earl Stevens has been using this term since AT LEAST 2006.

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Artist: E-40

Song: U and Dat

Lyric: ‘Cause her ass big enough to sit a cup on her booty

Commentary: Now this is something I’d like to see.

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Artist: Keith Urban

Song: You’ll Think Of Me

Lyric: Take your cat and leave my sweater.

Commentary: I am struggling to decide if I’d rather have a cat or a sweater. I guess it depends on the sweater.

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FaceTime-ly Dates

I’ve found myself on a few FaceTime dates during the pandemic. I’ve become quite fond of them. Here’s why:

• I can eat as much garlic as I want during the day and don’t have to worry about my breath smelling.
• If I get uncomfortable/fidgety, I can lay down in bed.
• No strangers eavesdropping on what clearly sounds like an awkward first date.
• I don’t have to wear deodorant.
• Drinks are exponentially cheaper at home.
• I love meeting new people while exerting minimal effort.

Here are some of the negatives:

• I don’t get to show off my skill of getting a bartender’s attention.
• I like the intimate feeling of eating with someone. This lacks that feeling.
• I love that awkward first hug.

I hope this has inspired all of my single friends to try out a virtual date.

In A Vacuum

Hear me out:

Vacuums… but not obnoxiously loud.

Shower ‘Copter

As previously discussed, I pee in the shower 90% of the time.

However, I never know which way to face while peeing. Here are my options:

• Facing the drainPro – water goes down the drain with no mess
  • Con – I get cold
• Back to the drainPro – I stay warm
  • Con – Pee runs through my feet

My resolution? I just spin around in circles and helicopter everywhere.

Best of both worlds.

OnlyTeeth

I recently acquired a WaterPik toothbrush.

It has an electronic brush-head AND a water flosser built-in that can be used simultaneously.

It’s messy and hilarious.

Feel free to reach out for a personalized video.

Greg Bird

This is my first post since Greg tragically left us. If you’re not familiar with his plight, please see my highlighted story on Instagram.

Pour one out for Greg.

 

#ExpandTheBrand