I thought I’d have a lot more time to write during the quarantine.
Well, I was half right.
I have so much time to write. But my inspirations are drawn from people I interact with and different experiences I have throughout my day.
Since it’s Groundhog’s Day, there’s only so much one can write about Punxsutawney Phil.
Six more weeks of quarantine.
Hanging My Hat On
Below is a list of things I have done successfully during this quarantine.
- Accumulated unwanted body hair
- Clogged the shower drain due to disposing of unwanted body hair
- Half-assed workouts
- Set screen time personal records
- Daily push-ups
- Told my dog she’s the cutest girl on the planet
- Avoided the shower
- Made the same cocktail over and over again (Bulleit bourbon on the rocks)
- Had dreams that could become bestselling murder-mysteries
- *drum riff*
- Told my dog she smells like a dog
- Slid into DMs of women way out of my league
- Handed my dirty laundry to my mom
Dropping My Hat On
Below is a list of things I realized I was bad at before the quarantine, and still have not improved upon.
- Washing my hands for more than 3.5 seconds
- Touching my face
Quotes That Are Lucky They Were Rapped
I introduced this section to the blog a long time ago. I received positive feedback. However, it’s a massive pain in the ass for me to write. But no better time than the present to curate.
Below is a list of quotes that are odd to say, unless they are spoken in a rap song:
Artist: The Dream
Song: Dope Bitch
Lyric: She only likes sports if she’s courtside
Commentary: While I similarly like to sit courtside, I can certainly enjoy a game sitting anywhere in the stadium. I do not want to date someone who will only go to sporting events with me if we spend $1,000+ per ticket. Let’s spend $150 per ticket and have reasonable seats and get a few extra beers. I understand if you want to date a girl who likes classy things, but she shouldn’t have to sit next to the court for her to enjoy her time. Plus, if she wants to sit courtside, chances are she banged at least one of the athletes. Sorry to break it to you, The Dream.
Artist: 2 Chainz
Song: All Me
Lyric: My dick so hard it make the metal detector go off
Commentary: This seems awfully inconvenient every time 2 Chainz goes on an airplane.
Artist: Young Jeezy
Song: I’m Goin’ In
Lyric: You ever bust ten nuts in a two-seater?
Commentary: Dude, just get a hotel room.
Artist: Young Jeezy
Song: I’m Goin’ In
Lyric: She said “I can’t feel my legs”, I’m like “Bitch, me neither”
Commentary: If she can’t feel her legs, that’s typically something to brag about. Brag accordingly. However, Young Jeezy also says he can’t feel his legs? Is he also getting his back blown out?
Artist: DaBaby
Song: Pop Star
Lyric: She right beside me and she sendin’ nudes
Commentary: Is this girl not faithful to DaBaby? Is he not upset about this? Is it noteworthy to gloat about your girl sending nudes to other people? I’d be very insecure if I was in his situation.
Artist: Lil Wayne
Song: HYFR
Lyric: My nuts hang like ain’t no curfew
Commentary: If his genitals are hanging with no restriction, how far do they sag? This doesn’t sound like an attractive trait. He should probably get this checked out by a urologist.
Artist: Nicki Minaj
Song: Only
Lyric: I don’t fuck with them chickens unless they last name is cutlet
Commentary: Is chicken cutlet the ONLY chicken she fucks with? Is she forgetting about chicken fried rice? Chicken Cacciatore? Chicken tikka masala? I’d love to have a chat with Nicki about poultry.
A Randomized List
Here are a few other things non-Covid related over the past few weeks:
- I’m very bad at keeping a napkin on my lap while I eat
- You can tell a shirt is good quality if you put it on and you can tell if it’s backward or not
- Living at my parents’ house, I forgot what it was like to be called “Jonathan”
Yes, it’s a short list. Everything else that went through my mind has been infected with Coronavirus.
There Are Levels To This
Being famous could suck. I’m not famous (yet), so I have no basis for this. However, below are a few professions that are a good level of famous:
- Part-time judge on a cooking competition show
- College basketball coach ranked 20-25 in the country consistently
- Regional weatherman
I would go out of my way to buy them a beer at the bar, but I’m not asking for a picture or autograph.
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Chocolate
Trail mix is good.
The worst trail mixes don’t have enough M&Ms in them. The best trail mixes have a lot of M&Ms in them.
Take notes, Big Trail Mix Industry.
Lights On, No One’s Home
This was a picture of the last time I went out drinking before the pandemic hit NYC hard:
It is absolutely jarring that THIS is the feeling I’m craving most after our world returns to normal.
JB Finds JB Funny 