Angel Hair Pasta

I’m very good at finding hair in my food. I’m a one-percenter at this.

On average, I find a strand in every other meal I have. Admittedly, most of the time, it’s my own beard hair.

BUT. Think about how many more hairs would be in food if humans had hair on their palms?

It could have been much hairier time.

Olive You

I enjoy having a pit in my olive. It’s a jamboree for my tongue.

I recently found out that a “pitted olive” does not have a pit. And that pisses me off.

Why is an olive without a pit called a “pitted olive?” What do you call an olive that does contain a pit?

Why is a grape with a seed called a “seeded grape?” What do you call a grape that doesn’t contain a seed?

Brekkie

Every weekday morning, I eat peanut butter (on a spoon) and a coffee for breakfast.

No one has ever said to me that my breath smells like peanut butter nor coffee in the morning.

Those are two very distinct breath smells.

I’m immune to both.

Big Pat

There’s a lot of things on this planet that I like the idea of more than I actually like.

You know what I’m talking about?

Like going to a freezing cold football game? Yoga while hungover? White wine?

There is one thing on the planet that is the exact opposite. Something that I like more than the idea of it…

Patty Melts.

Movie Snacc

Everyone has their own innovation of “best movie theater snack ever.”

“I throw Sour Patch in my popcorn!” “I throw Raisinets in my popcorn!” “I throw Licorice in my popcorn!”

They all suck. Every combination. It is no better than eating them separately.

The List

Here’s my list of thoughts for the past few weeks (it’s been a while):

• A shitty part about being bald is waterfall showers. I have to stare straight into the water to wash my beard. You’re welcome for the visual.
• I’ll admit that I enjoy closing drawers with my hip. You’re also welcome for that visual.
• I got dressed up in one of my favorite outfits to go to Trader Joe’s. New York has changed me.
• “Illinoisan” is a very difficult word.
• My favorite part of Lasik surgery is that I get to wear a pen behind my ear.
• “The National Anthem” is probably the song I’ve heard most in my entire life. However, I’ve never heard it on the radio, and I’ve never listened to it on my own.
• I didn’t know eggs go bad. I should have known, but I didn’t.
• Is “cash” always paper money? Can “cash” be coins?
• When playing football growing up, we used the term “Kicking or Sticking?” in reference to going for it on fourth down, or punting. This should be used more in professional commentary because of the profound effect it had on my childhood growing up.
• When I was younger, I always assumed the third song on the album is the best song. I still think I might be right. Is there any validity to this?
• Why are ‘offensive’ and ‘offensive’ pronounced differently?
• I don’t like it when coworkers look me up on LinkedIn. What’s your angle?
• Karaoke has to be easy enough to book because only drunk people book it.
• I’m curious what it feels like to kiss someone on the cheek that has a beard. Can someone describe it to me?

Frozen Grapes

They suck.

Assemble!

My favorite part of grade school was the assemblies.

After middle school, I never heard the word “assembly” used in that type of setting.

An enormous part of my childhood was taken away because someone wanted to mess with semantics.

A-to-Zinc

What do the white spots on fingernails actually mean?

Growing up, I’ve heard deficiencies of calcium, zinc, iron, and Vitamin A. I don’t know who to believe.

I could easily look this up, but ignorance is bliss.

Doggos

I went to the Westminster Dog Show. Below is all you need to see:

His name is Daniel.

Kobe Bean Bryant

He was an idol. He was a thought-process. He was a way of life. He was a mentality.

When he played, I wasn’t a Kobe fan. I was a Kobe hater. He was the villain.

But he made me feel. I could never look away from the screen when he was on. He had such a profound impact on me, and I’ve never even been in the same room as him before.

I will never stop saying “Kobe” every time I throw something away.

RIP KOBE

 

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