We’re Live

How much would someone have to pay you to go on Instagram Live for a full five minutes?

I would take $50

• $25 one-time fee for logging on.
• $5 a minute.
• If you pay me $100, I’ll let you pick the topic I discuss.
• I accept Venmo.

All About The Paper

We are going to look back at paper straws in 15 years and be astonished at how dumb that idea was.

Making a straw out of a material to go in liquid. That dissolves in liquid.

I’m in support of the compostable plastic straws and metal straws (as long as someone else cleans it). But.. paper?! Really?!?!

Take My Pants Off

1. I need to stop taking my pants off at work before I get to the bathroom. I do this at home all the time, but that’s a habit that needs to stay at home.
2. Wearing a pair of pants for the first time is stressful because I always feel like I’m going to miss a belt loop.

My Mind

Here’s my bulleted list of nonsense:

• Where is the second most acceptable place to wear Mickey Mouse ears?
• We need pens that drop down from the air mask compartment on airplanes so I don’t have to bring a pen on international flights to fill out the customs forms.
• Halloween in NYC is tough because I don’t know if people are wearing a costume or typical NYC attire.
• I’m glad we don’t have to tip the ATM machine in the same way in which we tip a dealer at a casino.
• Panera needs to bring back the Chipotle Chicken Panini.
• I love headphones because I can blast “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child without being judged.
• The song with the best rhythm to do Excel functions is “Walk It Like I Talk It” by Migos.
• Buying perfume/cologne online without smelling it first is the biggest red flag possible.

Litterbug

1. Is it littering or donating if you throw money on the ground?
2. The most littered item (by ratio of littered:not littered) must be toothpick wrappers.

Common Sense

If you are getting dressed, and you are putting on black-face, TAKE IT OFF IMMEDIATELY.

The fact that I’ve never put on black-face (and never will), puts me in a good position to run for President of the United States.

Please Kick Me

Where is the cutoff on your leg where it is no longer considered a kick?

Here’s my quiz:

1. Someone hits you with their foot?
2. Someone hits you with their shin?
3. Someone hits you with their knee?
4. Someone hits you with their thigh?
5. Someone with a leg amputated just below the knee hits you with the end of their leg?
6. Someone with a leg amputated just above the knee hits you with the end of their leg?
7. Someone stomps on you with the bottom of their foot?

Answer Key:

1. Kick
2. Kick
3. No Kick
4. Kick
5. Kick
6. Kick
7. No Kick

How did you do?

Music Tele Vision

Below are my favorite music videos of the last three years:

2019:  BOP by DaBaby

2018: This Is America by Childish Gambino

2017: Pillow Talking by Lil Dicky (I’m aware the song came out in 2015, but the music video was 2017 so shut up)

This Is Colombia

I was in Cartagena, Colombia in October. Here’s a picture of my hard nipples and me from the trip.

I’ll be back in Colombia in December. Stay tuned for more nipple pictures.

#ExpandTheBrand