Modify Genetically

I love bananas. I love bananas an unhealthy amount.

I like them so much that I typically just swallow them whole.

My one issue with bananas is that there’s a two-day sweet spot between green/bitter/hard and yellow/sweet/soft.

What if banana bunches were sold with varied ripeness? Like one banana is ready to eat right now, the next is a day less ripe, and so on and so forth.

A freshly ripe banana every day.

A Child’s Guillotine

Remember in every classroom growing up, there used to be a massive paper cutter with an aggressively sharp blade on it?

How was that allowed in classrooms? That’s a fucking weapon.

I’m shocked I didn’t know anyone who’s chopped off a digit with that torture device.

Quiches Suck

That’s it.

They suck.

Plus Tax

Early on in my prolific blogging career, I wrote a list of items that I did not know how much they cost.

For example, I listed a traffic cone, an ironing board, and life insurance.

I thought of a new one. Because I really want to buy one.

How much does a vending machine cost?

Frontseat Driver

I took an extensive drive with my dad the other day.

For the first time since I got my license, I got the privilege of doing the driving.

(Hey Dad, hope your colonoscopy went well!)

Here were his quotes, criticisms, and actions during this 1:15 hour drive:

• “Only I can text and drive. I know how to pay attention to the road and my phone. No one else can.”
• Sings every lyric to “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel – if your dad doesn’t know every word, he wasn’t cool in high school.
• Reaches over and turns the windshield wipers off x3.
• “Stay under 80 mph.”
• Opens Waze to check where the cops are.
• “Slow down earlier when you see break lights.”
• “We’re an hour early. I thought traffic would be worse.”

Sleeveless

This morning, I purchased an egg wrap and an iced coffee. It was a challenge to carry both because the iced coffee was very cold and the egg wrap was very hot.

My first instinct was to put a coffee sleeve around the iced coffee in order to resolve the Freezing Hand Syndrome.

That was the easy part.

However, I still had to deal with the scorching burrito.

*Lightbulb*

I put a coffee sleeve around the egg wrap. Brilliant.

Every establishment that sells a hot wrap/burrito should serve their folded tortillas with these sleeves encompassing.

Cushion For The Pushin’

Whose awful idea was it to use cushioned toilet seats? They’re gross and unsanitary and warm and gross.

Saturday Sr.

I’m pushing a strong initiative to rename “Thursday” to “Friday Jr.”

Who’s with me?!?!

Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap Your Hands

What is golf most famous for?

You’ve got it.

The Golf Clap.

I heard an interview with a golfer the other day and he said The Golf Clap no longer exists.

This is sad to me.

He said the reason for this is because everyone is holding phones while spectating.

Hence vocal roars of the crowd instead of gentle hand slaps.

Earth To Worm

I haven’t seen an earthworm in a while.

I kinda miss them.

If you have an earthworm, please show me.

Salad Fingers

I had a salad from Sweetgreen the other day.

While waiting on line, a bird shit on my arm.

That’s the last time I ever eat salad.

Salad Fingers 2.0

I had a salad from Sweetgreen the other day.

The lid of their bowls have a distinctive concave shape.

I believe the reason for this is so that girls without pockets have a place to hold their phone while also holding their salad.

You’re Old

You know you’re old when you have “Cell” or “Home” after someone’s name in your phone’s contact list.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Hearing the train conductors speak to the passengers on the subway is entirely indecipherable.

Speak clearer or post it on the digital message board.

Thank you.

The Game About The Thrones

For all of those who have been asking about my Game of Thrones predictions, here it is:

I believe The Hound will end up on the Iron Throne.

Get it?!?!

 

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