Stick It In Me

I want a meal that is exclusively served on sticks.

Appetizer: Asian beef on a stick

Entree: Corn dog

Side: Elote corn

Dessert: Cake pops

If anyone wants to prepare this meal for me, I’ll pay handsomely.

Give Me Five

I’m going to *stick* with the weekly tradition of me ranking things. Here are a few more rankings:

My Favorite Songs Ever

1. “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf
2. “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae
3. “Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker
4. “Sir Duke” by Stevie Wonder
5. “Piano Man” by Billy Joel

Best Old Computer/Phone Games

1. Doodle Jump
2. Bubble Trouble
3. Temple Run
4. Fancy Pants Adventure
5. Angry Birds

Best Asian Things

1. Asian massages
2. Asian pears
3. Asian beef on a stick
4. Fatty tuna sashimi
5. Asa Akira

Take Me Out To The Ball

It’s a trick amongst men to think about baseball statistics during intercourse to last longer.

Aaron Judge’s 2017 stat line turns me on in more ways than one.

Burt’s Bees

If you put on Chapstick in public, make sure you look around. Someone else will see you and remind themselves to put on Chapstick.

Feel free to call them out for being a copycat.

Sign Me Up

How many of your friends do you think have secretly signed up for a reality show?

I desperately want to know how many of my loser friends applied to be on The Bachelor (other than me).

Bad Vocals

If you ever want to hate a song, make it your morning alarm tone.

I’ll never understand who use a song they enjoy as their ringtone.

I still have nightmares about the Blackberry alarm sound and 3AM by O.A.R.

Indivisible

After a philosophical conversation between a few friends (hi Nick Taranto and Mike Kapnick), we determined that “The Pledge of Allegiance” is undeniably cult-like.

Diagnose the words. Visualize the setting.

Welcome to my cult.

I’m the odd mix of curious/lazy that I really want to know the origins of it, but don’t want to look it up.

S’Foreign

The most “foreign” thing someone can do in America is use the voice texting feature on their iPhone.

Bonus points if it’s on WhatsApp.

Unsafe At Night

I’ve always heard that people are scared to walk the streets of New York City at night.

I’m not that scared honestly. I think it’s scarier to walk in other places at night. New York is incredibly lit (no pun intended), but I assume it’s easier to tell a human to stop eating my arm over convincing a bear.

Then again, a crackhead may be a bit more violent and vicious than a bear.

Santa Baby

Make sure to book this Santa for your office’s Half-Christmas Party:

Full-service Santa.

 

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