Taco Dirty To Me

I was in bed with someone. We were doing dirty things.

During these dirty acts, I had some dirty, dirty thoughts.

Thoughts about Taco Bell.

I decided I was going to try and include Taco Bell into my dirty talk.

Here were a few of the options that went through my head:

• Take this beefy burrito.
• Let me finish in that chalupa.
• I’m going to turn you into a cinnamon delight.
• Crunch-wrap your hands around my neck.

After much deliberation, here’s what I decided to go with:

“Here comes the Baja Blast!”

Safe to say, I will not be canoodling with this person ever again.

A Few Thoughts

Here are a few random thoughts I had this week:

1. Pom-Poms on top of winter hats look so stupid. That said, I love Pom-Poms on my winter hats.
2. The Container Store is just an Americanized Russian Nesting Doll.
3. I have small-talk often with my headphones in. With music blaring. I trust my instincts to be able to say “I’m doing well, how are you?” while still having no idea what the other person said to me.
4. I like warm water more than cold water. Ice just gets in the way.
5. Why are all “nap blankets” so short? I can never cover my body and my feet simultaneously. Short people are lucky.
6. Who doesn’t have Amazon Prime this day in age?
7. Remember the TV show Wipeout? It was dope. I miss the big red balls.
8. Someone please make Crocs cool. They’re so comfortable.
9. Why is the opposite of “inside-out” called “right side out”? Why isn’t it called “outside out”?
10. A good burp after having heartburn may be the best feeling of all time.

Fun Stuff

Here’s a few things that will NEVER not be fun.

1. Peeling string cheese
2. Playing with the wax coating on Babybel cheese.
3. Peeling glue off of your hands.
4. Peeling the dead skin after sunburn.

West Of Minster

I recently attended the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden.

Firstly, I would like to be a judge. I would choose the Pembroke Welsh Corgi to win every single year. I don’t know anyone who would have a problem with this.

Secondly, I’d like to create my own dog show. Instead of well-trained adult dogs, it will just be poorly trained puppies. Who wouldn’t watch?

Millennialism

I caught myself saying the most millennial phrase of my entire life the other day.

I logged into my Netflix account on someone else’s television.

Here was my warning:

“Dude, please just don’t fuck up my algorithm.”

Follow-Ups

I mentioned a few things in my last post that I must follow-up with for my readers.

1. I said I was about to go eat Beef Wellington for dinner. In a shocking turn of bad events, the restaurant did not serve Beef Wellington on Sundays. It was a Sunday. If anyone wants to treat me to a Beef Wellington, I’d be honored to join you.
2. I promised I was going to eat chopped salad with a spoon. I haven’t eaten a chopped salad since the last post. Updates to come.
3. I mentioned how people have to stop calling boots with heels, “booties” because I don’t want discussions about footwear to turn me on. On the same note, some sickos call flip flops with the little thing in between the first and second toe, “thongs.” Please, please, please stop doing this. My non-fetish of feet is driving me bonkers.

Look Back At It

I don’t think I look that great from the back.

My hairline looks bad from the rear. I also have a pretty small butt.

However, I have reaaaally big calves. I try my hardest to flex them while wearing shorts.

Then again, I can’t see myself from the back. Does anyone have any thoughts on how I look from the back? Please feel free to check me out next time and give some honest feedback.

Aaron Judge

Here’s a picture of a future Westminster Dog Show judge:

Thumbs up for all the doggos.

 

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