Hitting It First
Here are a few facts about Kim Kardashian:
- She made a sex tape with Ray J.
- She got married to Kanye West.
- Ray J made a song about Kim marrying Kanye, titled “I Hit It First.”
- RAY J MADE A SONG. ABOUT HAVING SEX. WITH KIM. FIRST.
WHY DO WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT MORE?!
Here are a few snippets from the song:
But now baby chose to go West
We deep in the building she know that I kill ’em
I know that I hit it the best
And I gave her that really bomb sex
No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed
I bet I hit it first, unless you took that girl virginity
First come, first served is all a player knowAnd onto the chorus:
But we all know I hit it first
I hop in the club and boppers show love, and I don’t even put in work
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first
This has to be the craziest move in the history of craziness.
We the People cannot let anyone forget this.
I wish I hit it first.
Choreography
I bet the YMCA dance is a lot more difficult in Chinese.
Chop It Up
I enjoy a nice chopped salad.
Chopt. Just Salad. Sweetgreen. Joe’s American Bar & Grill in Short Hills Mall (RIP).
Anywhere.
However, my one complaint is that it is difficult to load up the fork because I can’t stab at the items in my bowl.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to eat a chopped salad with a spoon?
I’m going to test it out and post feedback. Stay tuned.
A Pair Of Jean
Here’s a pair of thoughts I have about jeans (pun intended):
- Jeans shouldn’t have 13 buttons. Hey jeans, have a zipper.
- When I sit down wearing jeans, there is always a fold in the crotch area that makes it looks like I have an erection. I’m going to name this sensation, “Faux-ner”.
Another Pant
I don’t know what the name is for it, but there’s a little flap over the zipper on all pants and shorts.
How come said flap always creases over to expose the zipper?
It looks like I perennially have my fly down.
*Credit to Alex Spector
How’s Your Food?
Whenever I get food at a restaurant, the waiter always says “enjoy your food.”
Why don’t cashiers at the supermarket tell me to “enjoy your food”?
Do they not want me to enjoy my food?
Paparazzi
While in public, I often change my grip on my phone so it doesn’t look like I’m sneakily taking a picture of someone, even if I’m not taking a picture.
The Worst A Man Can Get
Gillette really pisses me off.
Here’s why:
The front of the razor has 5 individual blades. On the backside, the is a singular “shaping” blade.
No one uses this part of the razor. Except me.
I use it to cut the skin behind by ear while I’m shaving my head.
It always results in a bloody massacre.
Puffy Pastry
I’ve never had beef wellington before. It sounds like everything I desire in life.
I just made a reservation for a restaurant that serves beef wellington.
Again, stay tuned.
Sneaky Dickens
If I were 4’9, had a bit of a potbelly, wore a reflector vest, rode a bike, and carried a bag of food with a receipt stapled to it everywhere I went, I could sneak into every single apartment building in New York City.
Delivery people are the least suspicious-looking people on the planet.
Miles Davis
I haven’t peed my pants in a while. Not since 2016. You could say I’m due.
I have had some close calls.
I had an interesting scenario on Friday morning.
While hungover in the shower, I was peeing (per usual). However, I had no idea I was peeing.
Had I been wearing pants, I would have done the deed.
Beans
You know you’re about to have a good cup of coffee if the smell of it makes you have to sprint to the bathroom.
All That Ass
Girls wear these boots with heels and they call them “Booties.”
Please change this.
Stop trying to turn me on by talking about your footwear.
Corn On My Cob
Here’s a picture of me enjoying Elote Corn from last summer. Thanks to Jeremy Steinman for sending this my way.
Yes, I did tell every kernel, “See you later!”
JB Finds JB Funny 