Resizing

As a Jewish man, I was circumcised as a young boy.

However, I could use a few more inches down there.

Is there a way to get circum-resized?

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Is there anything more overhyped and less satisfying than an eclipse?

Lunar and solar.

Every few months, media will trend and say “this eclipse will only happen every 632 years. whoaaaaa.”

632 years later, it will still suck.

Don’t Crack

Insult: You’re the type of person who would have a cracked iPhone screen.

Like Me Long Time

What is the most unanimously “liked” thing on the planet?

Money: I feel like I once learned a story about Gandhi giving away all of his money to find inner peace. I’m going to roll with that story.

Sex: I feel like I once learned that some people are asexual. I can’t understand this, but I guess it’s true.

Food: I feel like I once learned that people don’t like food. While I can’t relate, nor understand, I’ll take this is a fact.

Official Power Rankings:

1. Food
2. Sex
3. Money

A Different Power Ranking

I went on a pizza crawl in New Haven this weekend, since it’s known as having the best pizza in the country.

Here are the official Power Rankings:

1. Frank Pepe’s – The white clam pizza is next level. A must-try for any pizza and seafood enthusiast. Add bacon for some extra pizzazz. Roasted red peppers are fired in the brick oven and they’re next level. 8.8/10.
2. Modern Apizza – Italian Bomb pizza was overwhelming, but the flavor blast was nearly incomprehensible. This pie is more Italian than Tony Soprano saying “gabagool.” 8.1/10.
3. Sally’s Apizza – Marinara slice was an artery-blocker. Pairs well with Tums. Guaranteed to stain your shirt. 7.5/10.
4. BAR – Specialty was mashed potato and bacon pizza. Tasted exactly how you’d expect mashed potato and bacon on pizza to taste. 5.1/10.

Turtle Club

According to some fashionistas I know, turtlenecks are in.

According to me, turtlenecks are not in.

You just have a hickey.

Filler Up

I’ve always been a turkey hater. It’s a filler meat. It offers NOTHING.

I put turkey on my avocado toast the other morning. It somehow made everything worse.

I texted a friend saying, “Yo fuck turkey.”

Due to my lack of punctuation, I now have a new favorite nickname.

Sonic

I have an obsession. An obsession with hedgehogs.

Over the weekend, my second favorite hedgehog on Instagram died. RIP hedgehog_azuki.

Anyone have any good recommendations for new hedgehog accounts? Inquire within.

Pill Poppin’

I swallowed a pill. I also swallowed a lot of air.

Now I cannot stop burping.

Reclination

Does anyone actually lock their chair from reclining? Why would anyone take that option away from their comfortability?

-Noah Ganz

Nothing Was Happening

If you say to your roommate, “Oh, I didn’t know you were home,” you were blatantly doing something embarrassing.

-Frannie Bromley

I Like Big Butts

I fixed a washing machine this weekend.

Or did I? 😉

 

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