Cinci-Fucking-Natti

I spent the weekend in Cincinnati. A special shoutout to the Ganz family for giving my family and me a place to stay and giving me blog topics.

Both of equal importance.

Mile High

While on an airplane, you share a special bond with the person next to you.

Here’s how:

1. You share an arm rest.
2. You eat next to each other.
3. You have sex in the bathroom together.
4. You look out on the horizon with them.
5. You spill your drink on them.
6. You don’t say a word to each other.

Paper Napkin

How do restaurants clean their cloth napkins?

Is there a washing machine on site that I’m not aware of?

Can I use this washing machine when I inevitably spill on my shirt?

Power Steering

Why are steering wheels on the left?

Doesn’t it make more sense for it to be in the middle?

If I could go back and change history, I’d tell Henry Ford to center that bitch.

Personal Hygiene

People always say don’t drop the soap, but that’s easier said than done.

Los Angeles Chargers

When will hotels start having phone chargers?

It’s just as necessary as soap and shampoo.

Other Hair Stuff

I stopped using separate shampoo and conditioner. They always run empty at different times and that bothered me.

Catch These Hands

If you’re walking around a museum, you need to walk with hands behind your back .

40 Days And 40 Nights

While in staying in Cincinnati, we took a drive down to an actual size replica of Noah’s Ark. There is a three-story creationist museum inside.

It’s an impressive structure.

Below is a list of things we learned in the museum:

1. Global warming is a natural way of the earth and nothing man has done contributed to it.
2. The Grand Canyon was formed by the flood. It’s evident because the erosion patterns.
3. People have always looked the same. We have not evolved, mentally nor physically, since the first man.
4. God sent Noah juvenile animals on the ark because they were easier to handle.
5. The Ice Age was proof of the flood happening. The excess water forced the world to freeze over.
6. Life span has decreased tenfold since Noah’s Ark era. In fact, Noah’s father lived until he was 996!
7. Noah was a good builder because Jesus was his descendent and was a carpenter.
8. We were all descended from 90 families.
9. Every language can be linked to the ancient language Babel. No one speaks or understands Babel, but it is proven that every modern language comes from it.

I feel enlightened

Virgin

What is “extra virgin olive oil”?

Is there a regular virgin olive oil?

Is there an olive oil that has a lot of sex?

Wonderbread

It’s commonplace to hear “That’s the best thing since sliced bread.”

But what’s the best thing before sliced bread?

My guess is the cotton gin or steam engine.

Al Gore

I know I should protect the environment and all that shit, but I’ll never choose the air hand dryer over paper towels.

Even if it’s the cool Dyson one.

Succulence

I know all of my readers are heavily invested in my cactus.

With heaviness in my heart, I’d like to announce that my cactus has passed away.

You could say it cac-died.

Get it?!?!

 

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