Do You Even Squat?

When I see someone squatting a lot of weight at the gym, my only thought is, “I wonder how easy it is for them to go up and down stairs.”

Chinese Jews

Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas.

I have been questioned as to why Jews do this.

No, it is not a religious thing.

No, it is not in the Bible.

No, we do not celebrate a secret holiday with the Chinese.

We eat it because it’s the only type of restaurant that is open on Christmas.

Blow Me

If you don’t look in the tissue after blowing your nose, I cannot trust you.

Everyone’s gotta take a little peek.

Magic Subway Ride

If you close your eyes and try really hard, the subway feels and sounds exactly like a roller coaster.

Woody

A few months ago, I went to Thailand. While there, I bought a wooden penis statuette for one of my friends.

My friend just went to Bali, and he bought me a wooden penis bottle opener (thanks Ben!).

When will buying penis objects for my friends not be funny?

Hey Alexa

In my lavish, spacious, NYC shoe box, I have an Amazon Alexa in my bedroom. She controls my lights and tells me the weather. And not much more.

However, I spent the weekend back at home in New Jersey. In my bedroom. There is no Amazon Alexa.

On three separate occasions, I asked Alexa to turn off my lights. On a separate occasion, I asked her for the weather.

All four times, she wasn’t present. There was certainly an adjustment period.

Grapes In A Freezer

Did you know that people eat frozen grapes?

I’ve been eating refrigerator-temperature grapes my entire life.

Verdict:

They’re not as good when they’re frozen. You lose the hard casing and mushy inside.

They’re too cold for me.

Lashes, Lashes, We All Fall Down

I lead the league in getting eyelashes stuck in my eye.

I average about 2 a day.

My record is pulling five eyelashes from one eye in one fell swoop.

Foamy

It’s actually incredible how much better foamy soap is than liquid soap.

It covers the hand with minimal effort. Washing it off is a breeze.

I want to be a brand ambassador for foamy soap.

Public Bath House

Taking baths are fine.

Taking baths and putting pictures of yourself in the bath and posting them all over social media?

I have a few choice words for you.

Bottle Bitch

If you use your shirt/napkin to open your twist off beer bottle, you’re soft and should not be allowed to drink a beer for the rest of your life.

Trading Cards

Is my generation ever going to send holiday cards to each other?

Has social media replaced holiday cards for us Millennials?

What age do people start sending them?

How much do holiday cards cost?

How do I find out all of my friends’ addresses?

Here’s a picture of my holiday card:

Just DM me your address and I’ll send one over.

 

#ExpandTheBrand