Captain Hook

The below post showed up on my TimeHop from Facebook 2010. It is still incredible relevant today:

“What’s the best way to eat a candy cane?”

It’s tough to keep your hands not sticky, not eat plastic wrapper, and not break your teeth.

Gender Fluidity

Are there any male Pomeranians or Yorkies?

If I see one of these “toy-like” dogs, I assume it’s a female.

Corny Jokes

Whenever I eat corn, I whisper to every individual kernel, “See you later!”

Nails Did

Yes, I get my nails done. They’re called MANicures for a reason.

Quantity Over Quality

I’ll stand by the fact that Chinese food does not vary in quality very much. Expensive Chinese food and cheap Chinese food are very similar.

I’ve never had Chinese food and said “Wow, this is some high quality chicken and beef.”

Except Peking duck. That’s the one exception.

Show The Embarrassment

The most embarrassing question in the world was brought to my attention recently by a trusted advisor of mine.

His name is Mike. But I call him “Dad”.

On an airplane, he heard two different people ask:

“Can I please have a seatbelt extender?”

If I were that fat, I’d bring my own seatbelt extender to save the embarrassment.

Save The Embarrassment

The most self-conscious thing someone can do is pull down their shirt to cover their fat rolls.

Adulting

I want to learn how to roll a burrito.

Someone teach me.

Go DJ, That’s My DJ

If I were a DJ, I’d never play “Hot In Herre” by Nelly. I

t always makes me second guess my body temperature.

Anus

Does anyone know how to pronounce “Anise”?

Spoon Size

If a girl offers to be “big spoon,” she’s a keeper.

LOUD NOISES

How are car alarms so loud?

Why can’t I play music out of those speakers?

Moose

What is mousse?

Is it a dessert?

Is it a hair product?

Is it a large mammal with antlers?

Nobody knows.

Here Comes Santa Claus

Why aren’t Santa hats warm?

They’re meant to be worn in winter.

I should make a warm Santa hat that can be work as an everyday knit hat.

Electric Fan

If you could relinquish all of your sports fandoms and hand-pick your new teams, based on past, present, and future, who would you choose?

Here’s my list:

NFL: Seattle Seahawks – Best fanbase, recent Super Bowl win, Beast Mode

NBA: Miami Heat – Wade, Lebron, Shaq, three recent Finals wins

MLB: New York Yankees – 27 rings, always competitive, unlimited money, Derek Jeter

NHL: Las Vegas Golden Knights – Best inaugural season in sports history, Vegas

NCAAF: Alabama – Winning is everything

NCAAB: UNC – Michael Jordan –> Jordan gear

Supergood

I went to Sadelle’s the other day for brunch.

Jonah Hill dined with us to celebrate my sister’s birthday.

Best. Friends.

Hip-Hop

I received a submission from a loyal reader: Danny Spitz.

Please enjoy the below fun facts about hippopotami.

Please feel free to send in submissions of things that will make me laugh.

 

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