Tater

Why do we put different condiments on different forms of potatoes?

• French Fries
• • Ketchup
• • Chili Cheese
• • Poutine
• • Truffle Oil
• Potato Pancake
• • Apple Sauce
• • Sour Cream
• Hash Browns
• • Ketchup
• • Runny Egg
• Knish
• • Russian Dressing
• • Mustard
• Mashed Potatoes
• • Butter
• • Gravy
• Sweet Potatoes
• • Marshmallows
• • Honey Mustard
• • Sugar
• • Butter
• Gnocchi
• • Pesto
• • Tomato Sauce
• • Garlic and Oil
• • Grated Parmesan
• Baked Potato
• • Butter
• • Sour Cream
• • Bacon, Cheese, and Chive
• • Hot Sauce
• Potato Salad
• • Mayonnaise
• Potato Au Gratin/Scalloped Potatoes/Potato Dauphinoise
• • Cheese Sauce

A Mile In My Shoes

I’d love to log into someone’s Instagram account to see what they see.

Maybe they follow a satisfying video account that I’d enjoy (shoutout @ifyouhigh).

Maybe they follow a porn star who posts revealing pictures (shoutout @allison.parker22).

Maybe they follow an aspiring blogger who has a shiny bald head (shoutout @_goodlooking).

Power Shower

I, for one, do not mind if someone else sings in the shower.*

*Under the condition that they are a good singer.

If you are an 8/10 or above, you should be a designated shower-singer. I don’t mind a little “All Of Me,” as long as you have 80% of John Legend’s singing ability.

This same rule applies for whistling. A 10/10 whistler gives me a half-chub.

I am a 7.8/10 whistler. At times, I can rise to a 9. When I’m at a 9 and I’m feeling myself, I’ll whistle like Tim Donaghy trying to help the Lakers cover the spread.

When I drop to a 5.1, I know it’s time to shut the fuck up.

If only everyone had the same awareness as me.

Printing Press

Why do people look at me funny when I put freshly printed paper against my face?

Matt Groening

Groaning while standing up in a bathroom stall is mandatory.

Just Swell*

*This below point only relates to those who have used a Swell water bottle.

If you overfill your Swell bottle above the line, just drink the top sip. Don’t spill it out.

Don’t waste my time dumping water back into the water fountain. You’re going to drink it anyway.

Nostril-damus

I’ve been hypersensitive to smells recently.

So if you smell bad, please don’t come near me.

Yes, you, pudgy teen at Sweetgreen.

But if you’re pleasantly aromatic, bring me all the good smells.

Designer Songs

As soon as the song, “Panda” by Desiigner came out, everyone knew it would be a one-hit wonder.

Shoe My

Shumai is the worst Chinese food appetizer.

It’s fried but soggy. It’s definitely freezer –> microwave –> table. The shrimp inside is from last February.

On a brighter note, autocorrect tried to change “shumai” to “whimsical.”

God Bless Pooping

Do you say “bless you” when the person in the bathroom stall next to you sneezes?

This question got me thinking…

God Bless Sneezes

People don’t think about how weird it is that we say “bless you” after someone sneezes.

It’s odd because so many cultures do it, and it has been passed down for centuries. It’s stupid and it makes no sense.

Lights Out

“A lightbulb went off in my head.”

What did people say before electricity was invented?

Fragility

I got a box in the mail that said, “FRAGILE”.

I opened the box. It contained my Nespresso pods.

Anyone care to explain how Nespresso pods are fragile?

Girls Who Lift

I was at the gym. Getting swollen. Per usual.

This random girl and I were making quite a bit of eye contact.

She walks directly in front of me. She slightly taps her left butt cheek. Right in front of my face.

So what do I do? I go full Marshawn Lynch on her.

BEAST MODE

#ExpandTheBrand