Happy Morning

Mouthing “good morning” to someone looks like you’re blowing a kiss.

Let’s just say, it was a very awkward morning at work.

*Drum Beat*

When I send or receive a stupid joke over text, I often respond with “ba dum chhhh.”

Like the drum beat that every shitty comedy act does.

iPhone autocorrect tries soooo hard to fix this.

Sounds like Apple should start using manualcorrect.

Ba dum chhhhhhhhhh!

Bloggers Are People Too

I was told I wasn’t someone’s “usual type.”

I asked what that meant.

She said “you’re a ‘bro’ and I’m not usually into that. But you’re also artsy and I like that.”

If you want to get laid, start a blog.

No-Shave November

I’m not participating in No-Shave November. But I do have a beard.

So if you want to Venmo me some cash, it will go directly to my bank account: @Jonathan-Belfer

Red Red Wine

I had a glass of red wine spilled on me at dinner. That’s all. Just pity me.

Fur Baby

Wearing a fur hood is really ticklish for me because I forget what it’s like to have the feeling of hair touching my face.

Except that my beard is hair on my face.

Whoa.

Send Noodz

Some people are so protective over pictures in their phone. If they’re protecting their pictures, I immediately assume they’re trying to hide naked photos.

This got me thinking: do people actually save nudes on their phone?

I may start taking screenshots from porn stars so I have them on my phone just so I can also be protective.

Give Me Thanks

During the Thanksgiving football game on Thursday Night, they asked Matt Ryan what is his favorite Thanksgiving food. For those of you who don’t know, Matt Ryan is a scrawny quarterback for the Falcons.

I don’t give a shit what Matt Ryan likes to eat at Thanksgiving.

I want to know what the fattest, 410-pound nose tackle eats at Thanksgiving. In excruciating detail.

Give Me More Thanks

Since everyone gives their shitty takes on Thanksgiving food, here are my shitty takes.

Cranberry sauce is the best part of the meal.

Stuffing is the worst part of the meal.

Where Brooklyn At?

I want to become famous.

I want to become famous so I can be the most famous Brooklyn Nets fan.

The Jumbotron did their promotion of showing the celebrities that were in attendance on Sunday.

They showed Ethan Hawke. And only Ethan Hawke.

It can’t be THAT hard to become more famous than Ethan freakin’ Hawke.

Stick It In your Earhole

If you use two Q-tips at once to clean your ears, you’re a psychopath.

And you look ridiculous.

Please Don’t Report Me

I love locker rooms. Here’s why:

• It looks clean.
  • It’s kinda gross, but no one seems to care.
• Locker room talk.
  • If you know, you know.
• I can walk around with wet feet.
  • And no one gets mad at me.
• I get to walk around with dick out.
  • I can only do this in locker rooms, my apartment, and my office (JUST KIDDING PLEASE DON’T REPORT ME).

I Just Want To See You Sweat

I went to the doctor for my excessive armpit sweating.

Since all my friends looooved pointing out how much I am sweating, I’m still waiting on my first compliment on how little I’m sweating.

Foxy News

While at the diner, drunk, at 2:30 AM Thanksgiving morning, this was the headline on Fox News.

This is impossible not to laugh at.

 

#ExpandTheBrand