Finish Me Off

Which of the below three have you finished most frequently?:

• A Chapstick
• A pencil
• High school

I’ve finished both high school and a Chapstick one apiece.

I have never finished a pencil.

Yeah, I Make My Bed

I make my bed every morning.

Here are the reasons why (in order from least important to most important:

5. It’s cozier to get into a made bed every night.

4. It makes my room look neater.

3. I get to tell people that I make my bed.

2. I get to feel superior because I make my bed.

1. I get to scorn others for not making their bed.

It Ain’t Easy

In my head, cheese is healthy.

When I was younger, I was told to eat dairy so my bones would grow stronger.

So I would eat cheese.

It’s also not fried or breaded or oily.

So cheese is healthy.

T-T-T-T-Today Junior

Parents often name their son the same name as the father and tag a Jr. on the end.

Why don’t we do this for daughters?

GRRRRR

Sometimes, I just grunt loudly.

Why do I do this?

Large Talk

I’ve previously discussed on this blog how much people love mentioning the weather in small talk.

This is all good and well.

But there’s a limit.

On Thursday, it snowed.

On Friday, I went to the doctor’s office (unrelated to the snow).

While in the waiting room, one lady was waiting there for about an hour, and she was getting fed up. Rightfully so.

She informs the lady next to her of how long she has been waiting.

The lady next to her say “yeah, this weather is just throwing everything off.”

No, lady.

There is no way the snow is affecting how long people are sitting in the waiting room.

Epidermis

I went to the dermatologist for the first time ever.

The doctor had a very serious disposition.

During the full body exam, he said “pull your scrotum to the side.”

I moved it accordingly.

However, I should have handled this situation differently.

Here’s how it would have ideally played out:

Doctor: Pull your scrotum to the side.

Me: What’s a scrotum?

Doctor: Your nut sack.

I missed the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make a stoic, 70-year-old doctor say the words, “Nut. Sack.”

Like White On Rice

I’ve never had white rice at Chipotle before.

Getting it with brown rice is just sooooooo much healthier.

You Is Old

You know you’re old when a dog you follow on Instagram dies.

Dead Instagram Dogs

I happened to be driving in the fast lane on the highway when I thought of the whole “Dead Instagram Dog” idea.

I had to write it down in my note sheet before I forgot.

So I picked up my phone to write it down. As soon as I looked at my phone, police sirens sounded and appeared from the officer’s car behind me. I threw down my phone and moved over a lane.

The sirens were for someone else.

Don’t blog and drive, kids!

Dunkaroo

You know those single-serve pretzel and hummus dip things?

No?

Well, here’s a picture of it:

I am a biiiiig fan of these.

The problem with them is that I either finish with too much hummus and not enough pretzels, or too many pretzels and not enough hummus

Here’s how I would solve this dilemma.

I would put a diagram on the packaging that shows you how much hummus to put on each pretzel to evenly distribute the hummus throughout the duration of the snack.

 

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