Mic’ed Up

During important football games, they often put a live microphone on one of the best players in order to capture the sounds and voices of the game.

While many viewers think this is great television, I think of it as the best opportunity to showcase my daily thoughts.

Here are a few of the things I’d say:

• “Does my butt look good right now?”
• “Shit, tomorrow is laundry day.”
• “Have you used JSwipe before?”
• “My dog swallowed my wallet.”
• “Do I look like Kevin Malone from The Office?”
• “Pink Sands is the best flavor of Yankee Candle.”

Nose Penetration

My nasal passages get clogged sometimes.

I discovered Afrin a couple years ago.

It is by far the medicine that works best, in any setting.

DayQuil kinda works.

Advil kinda works.

Oxycodone kinda works (I needed it post-surgery!).

Afrin. Always. Works.

Metaphorically Speaking

Instagram ads are new infomercials.

^I don’t really know what I was thinking when I wrote this down. It makes no sense.

But it sounds philosophical and insightful.

Hack My Life

The biggest life hack is being nice to the people at Chipotle, in order to get more food.

It works every time.

Load up the rice and beans.

I Wanna Be Famous

Here are some things I most want to be famous for:

• Golfing
• Blogging
• Some world record
• Podcasting
• Philanthropy
• Sexiest Man Alive

Some are more achievable than others.

I can’t wait for my spread for People magazine.

I Wanna Be In Movies

Once I’m famous, this is my plan:

• Become famous
• Say something controversial
• Sit on the money for the rest of my life

Hot Towel?

How are towels so absorbent?

Why do they never look wet?

We Are Family

I like meeting siblings.

The reason I like meeting siblings is because I always ask them one question:

“Which sibling is the best?”

This always gets way deeper than expected. Everyone tries to be civil.

But there is always a right answer.

It gets very uncomfortable.

Air Traffic Control

A trusted advisor of mine shed light on a controversial topic.

The ambulance jet stream.

This is the idea of following an ambulance through traffic as they fullback through surrendering vehicles.

Is it ethical?

No.

Is it moral?

No.

Do I do it?

Every time.

For any questions or concerns regarding the philosophy of Jet Streaming, please refer to Peter.

You must figure out his last name on your own for confidentiality purposes.

Smelly Cat

I found this at work the other day. When was the last time you saw one of these?

It was dead and scentless.

#ExpandTheBrand