Peeve

When someone uses a sauce or a dressing, a little drippage spills over the side.

It’s only natural.

However, if said person does not clean this up, it develops a crusty, gooey layer on the edge.

When I touch this ejaculate, I get angry.

(I tried finding a synonym for the noun “ejaculate,” but no word worked quite as well. I also had to clear my history.)

Sorry!

My Pet

“Peeve” is a very good name for your pet.

“Meet my pet, Peeve!”

Cold Beer On A Friday Night

Chicken can be made in a myriad of ways:

• Seared
• Baked
• Grilled
• Sous-vide
• Slow cooked
• Roasted
• Fried
• Pressure cooked

However, if you’re describing to someone the chicken you just ate, it was prepared one of two ways:

• Grilled
• Fried

Grilled=Healthy

Fried=Unhealthy

You’ll never catch yourself telling someone you had pressure-cooked chicken for dinner.

Quarter-Life Crisis

I don’t think I’m in a quarter-life crisis.

But I might be.

Here’s how I know:

I googled “How to moonwalk.”

Best In Show

If life were scored like the Westminster Dog Show and there was a category for “Bald Men,” I think I’d come Best In Show.

Here are a few of the people that I would be competing with:

• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
• Rick Ross
• Jeff Bezos
• Johnny Sins
• Michael Jordan
• Vin Diesel

Yeah, I’m confident I’d win.

Bachelorette

I really want to get on this show.

If anyone has any strong connections, please let me know.

What’s The Deal?

I like airplane food.

Yeah, I said it.

Unless it’s fish.

Coca-Cola Red-Bone

With all of the drama and feuding going on in our beautiful nation, we need Ken Bone to make a comeback.

Compact Discus

I saw this on the sidewalk the other day:

If this isn’t a metaphor for the early 2000s, then I don’t know what is.

 

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