Itchy Itchy Itchy, Scratch Scratch Scratch

I have a bad itch in the middle of my back that I can’t reach, so I’m just gonna blog about it instead.

Anything Is Possible

I tried the Impossible Burger.

I want to describe it in a funny way, but I can’t find the words. So here are a few descriptions and I hope at least one of them make you laugh.

It tasted like….

• My chest hair (medium rare)
• Your mom’s chest hair (this quote is from a movie that I am failing to remember the title of)
• Braised pussy willows
• A plaid button down
• A mosquito
• The last thing Bear Grylls would eat before dying
• Canned tuna fish (left opened and at room temperature for 127 hours)

In summation, it’s worth trying at least once.

Boogie, Woogie, Woogie!

Here is my analysis of common places people pick their nose:

Bedroom

You have your hiding spots to secure the remnants.

Taxi

Just don’t do it in an Uber or Lyft because they will lower your passenger rating.

See: I am a 4.2 on Uber.

Anywhere (with a fellow nosepicker)

Comparing who has found more carat gold is a national pastime.

At Work

Must do it in the bathroom. Privacy. Always feel pressured to wash hands after going to the bathroom at work – something I don’t always do in the comfort of my own home.

On Wisconsin

I own something made out of “badger hair.” If you can guess what it is, I’ll enter you into a raffle for a chance to win one of the shirts currently in my closet.

Sushi Pizza

I was at the Amish Market the other day. I saw the below heinous act.

I don’t even have to explain why.

But yes, he is eating pizza with chopsticks.

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy

Imagine you’re at the urinal in a public bathroom and the guy next to you starts doing this:

Oops, wrong “cowboy” gif…

Imagine you’re at the urinal in a public bathroom and the guy next to you starts doing this:

Ignore the pizza (if possible).

Is this the best pee-dance of all time?

Can I Get Yo Numbah?

Everyone has their same “poetic” way of saying their phone number out loud.

I Got Soul, But I’m Not A Soldier

I used to get new shoes when they got too dirty or ripped.

Now I get new shoes when the soles wear out.

For some reason, this makes me feel old.

Free The Nipple

I love nipples.

Meme Lord

I’ve never made a meme before.

I went to a food festival today and I was inspired to make one.

Anyways, here goes nothing:

I did it!

 

#ExpandTheBrand