Time Is Money

For the amount of time I’ve been through, I’m still so bad at judging how long I’ve been doing something.

If you ask me to count to 30, I’ll probably be five seconds off.

If we’ve been doing something for 30 minutes and you ask me how long it has been, I’ll probably be five minutes off.

Rain Man

Every time I get a new pair of shoes, it rains the next day so I can’t wear them.

Pound The Alarm

If you had the Nickelodeon alarm clock growing up, you were a real one.

Hooky

How many times do you think your parents wanted you to stay home from school in elementary/middle school because they didn’t want to go to work and wanted someone to hang out with, but they couldn’t because they had to teach that you can’t just skip school for nonsense?

I think this was a run-on sentence so I should have paid more attention in elementary/middle school.

Snackies

At what age do people start serving snacks at pregames?

I’d appreciate some chips+guac or pretzels+hummus with my Tito’s+Gatorade.

Grizzly Adams

Underrated perk of having a beard:

No one thinks it’s going to be soft so they’re impressed when they touch it and it is soft.

Back To The Future

Some guy in the locker room was staring at me like I was from the future.

How did he know?

That Time Of The Month

I like the months with 31 days because it’s like buying 30 days of an apartment and getting one day free!

Hot Diggity Dog

I went to Coney Island this weekend for a Chance the Rapper concert. The highlight was Jim Jones coming out and performing “We Fly High”.

The second highlight was going to the original Nathan’s Hot Dogs. I got one hot dog and two corn dogs. Below is a nude picture of my corn dog.

Yes, I did put ketchup and mustard on my weiner.

 

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