Guilty Hot Pleasure

If I’m hot and sweaty (and have my shirt off), I’ll purposely spill water I’m drinking so it trickles through my beard and onto my chest.

Suds Talk

How clean does soap actually make your hands?

I feel, as a society, we just accept the fact that soap makes our hands clean.

There is no way it makes our hands fully clean.

Stay woke.

I don’t wash my hands fully.

When I wash my hands, I use soap.

However, I try not to get my hands too soaked in water because it takes longer and is more difficult to dry off afterwards.

This leaves my hands with a little soap on them.

A little extra water will solve this problem.

I still refuse to use more water. I will perpetually have some soap on my hands after washing.

I’m Making Waffles

Everyone agrees waffle fries are the best form of fries.

If you disagree, you’re wrong.

If they’re unanimously the favorite, why don’t more places offer them?

Angered

I have a new hobby. Here’s how I describe it:

Pissing someone off by saying “I have something to tell you… Never mind”

Hankering For A Chief

I want to start using a handkerchief.

But that means I’d have to clean it frequently.

I probably shouldn’t start using a handkerchief.

Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll

You know what today’s music ain’t got?

The same soul.

I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll.

Pee Wee Reese

What’s the best part of Reese’s Cups?

• Chocolate
• Peanut Butter
• Chocolate/Peanut Butter Ratio

A Viable Option

I was on hold the other day with Adidas Customer Service for about 25 minutes the other day.

I had this thought:

I should be allowed to select the type of audio I want to listen to while waiting on hold. For example…

• “Press 1 for Hip-Hop”
• “Press 2 for Country”
• “Press 3 for Smooth Jazz”
• “Press 4 for Stand-Up Comedy”
• “Press 5 for Audiobook version of Fahrenheit 451”
• “Press 6 for Silence”
• “Press 7 for Weather”
• “Press 8 for The Atypical Audiobook Podcast”
• “Press 9 for a Dog Barking”
• “Press * for Someone Breathing In Your Ear”
• “Press # for Fergie’s Awful Rendition Of The National Anthem”
• “Press 0 for Gentle Moaning”

This is going to make me rich.

How Do You Pronounce “Museum”?

We took Sophie to the pop-up dog museum in the West Village this weekend. Look how much fun she had:

It’s pronounced “Myew-zee-um”

 

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