Conscience

This is the most self-conscious thing I’ve ever seen:

I saw a lady in a sling.

She put a decorative scarf around her sling to make it stylish.

Be in pain and look ugly like the rest of us.

In Hot Water

If you don’t use warm water in a public sink, you’re a psychopath.

Unpopular

I only wet the toothbrush before I put toothpaste on.

Never after.

Bagging Groceries

If I ran a supermarket, I would use funny/creative/cute plastic bags because everyone reuses them as garbage bags.

If there was a puppy or a pun on the bag, I would reuse the shit out of it.

Dashes

I have never hyphenated a word and finished it on the next line. How do people de-

cide when to do this?

Fear Of The Unknown

I have a few places I consistently order delivery from (shoutout Abumi Sushi and Mee’s Noodles).

I have zero idea where these places are or what they look like.

I think it’s better that way.

Gangster Of Spirits

Today, I saw two people in the gym with “Spiritual Gangster” shirts.

I didn’t like it.

I’m not spiritual, nor a gangster.

I don’t know why I don’t like it, but I just don’t like it.

Dog Food

Listen. I love food. There’s not many things I like more on this planet than food.

However.

Dogs love it more. I don’t (often) spin in circles and jump up and down to eat the same dry meal twice a day. Every damn day.

There’s a lot of regrettable things I’d do for a good piece of food. But to do literally anything someone commanded for a bite of cheese is a bit excessive.

Skillz That Killz

Here are some of the most important child skills that doesn’t matter now:

• Armpit farting
• Burping alphabet
• Hopscotch

I was going to put jump-roping but that’s actually kind of important for staying in shape.

Pay Your Taxes

The below fly has been dead and stuck to the window pane for about four months.

I don’t want to remove it because it allows me to claim “taxidermy” as a hobby.

Shana Tova

To all my fellow Jews out there, I’d like to wish you all a happy and healthy New Year!

Sophie would like to wish you a sweet New Year as well.

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