Preggers

I’m sure pregnancy is tough. But I’m jealous of girls who can get pregnant. Here’s why:

Every guy works pretty hard to stay in shape. Inevitably, he will give up and get fat. Because that’s what men do.

However, I’m not quite obese yet, but I’d like to see what it was like to have the benefits of having a really big belly.

Pregnant women get a trial run at being a really fat guy.

See perks below:

• Crossing arms on belly
• Resting food on belly
• Balancing beer on belly
• Other people giving up seats for you on the subway
• Letting it hang out with no shame
• Eating whatever you crave
• Always warm in the winter

I must know nothing about the pains and struggles of childbirth if this is what I’m thinking about.

Let’s Do It Live

What do you wear to a concert?

• Do I wear a shirt of the artist(s) to show how much I support them?
• Do I wear a shirt of an artist(s) similar to show I am interested in the industry?
• Do I wear nice clothes to try and impress others who share a music taste with me?
• Do I wear a black t-shirt to prepare for when I spill beer all over myself?
• Do I wear a thin t-shirt so I can buy a shirt there to put over it and not get overheated?
• Do I wear nice shoes or dirty shoes that I don’t mind ruining?

Say Your Grace

I have two favorite traits of sunglasses:

1. Staring at unsuspecting people at the beach.
2. Wearing them indoors.

The first item of the list is self-explanatory. The second item is a bit more complicated.

It is NOT okay to wear sunglasses inside. It’s rude and you look like a douchebag,

HOWEVER.

You get a short grace period where you can pretend you forgot to take them off.

Here are a few grace periods:

• At WorkThe front door until the elevator.
• At A Fast-Casual RestaurantThe front door until you start ordering.
• At A Bar With An Outdoor AreaThe entire time.

Tiny Gentle Asians

There is an Instagram account called tinygentleasians

The account posts pictures of Asian babies and it’s adorable.

I forgot who told me about this account. Please let me know who it was so I can thank you properly.

Can I Touch Your Dog?

If I pass an attractive woman in the street, I will look at them.

Except for one scenario.

If an attractive woman is walking a cute dog, I will not ogle the human.

There’s a better chance of me being able to touch the dog than the attractive woman. I will proceed to look at the pup.

Should’ve Had A V8

If you taste something and it tastes like a fruit, you would call it fruity.

If you taste something and it tastes like a vegetable, would you call it…

.

.

.

Vegetably?

Quote On Quote

Chinese Proverb: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

If you’re considering starting something. If you’re considering making a change. If you’re considering doing something differently.

Just fucking do it already – there’s nothing to be afraid of. 

Alain de Botton: “Anyone who isn’t embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn’t learning enough.”

A year ago, I got blacked out drunk and threw up on the sidewalk in front of the club “The DL” and proceeded to blame the vomiting on having bad allergies.

I must not be learning enough because that’s not embarrassing.

Drop It Like It’s Hot

I hope the girl from the Sun Drop commercials is doing okay.

Halloweenie

My dog, Sophie, has already picked out her Halloween costume. She wants to know what you think of it:

She’s very proud of her selection.

#ExpandTheBrand